Oscars 2013: Read the Losers’ Discarded Acceptance Speeches

We heard a couple of great (and a heap of so-so) victory speeches at the Academy Awards on Sunday night. Winners in all of the competitive categories gushing over their cinematic triumphs, humbly claiming that they were not duly prepared for such an honor. But we all know that’s hogwash — everybody, no matter how unconfident he or she is in an Oscars win, prepares a few notes before the ceremony. We have proof of that: the scrawlings of all the big-name losers who thought that they just might be taking home the trophy.

Thanks to a friend in the awards show janitorial community, we’ve nabbed a few of the tossed-out note pages from the men and women who aspired to take the stage on Sunday. Brief jottings to remind them who to thank, who to scorn, and what new causes to pretend to be totally into and knowledgeable about. Check out these totally, indisputably not fake notes below, and yearn for a world where these folks actually had a chance at the mic.

The notes from Steven Spielberg’s would-be Best Director speech for Lincoln

Oscar Speeches: Steven Spielberg

The scribblings from Joaquin Phoenix’s prepared Best Actor speech for The Master

Oscar Speeches: Joaquin Phoenix

The mission statement of Naomi Watts’ Best Actress speech for The Impossible

Oscar Speeches: Naomi Watts

The rambling thoughts of Robert De Niro before the Best Supporting Actor speech he would have given for Silver Linings Playbook

Oscar Speeches: Robert De Niro

The poignant deliberations of Quvenzhané Wallis in preparation for her Best Actress speech for Beasts of the Southern Wild

Oscar Speeches: Quvenzhane Wallis

The thoughts of Emmanuelle Riva, were she to win Best Actress for Amour

Oscar Speeches: Emmanuelle Riva

(Translates to “Forget the speech — let’s get drunk”)

The furied passion that could have fueled Tom Hooper’s Best Picture speech for Les Miserables

Oscar Speeches: Tom Hooper

And finally, what we might have heard from Jessica Chastain, had she taken Best Actress for Zero Dark Thirty

Oscar Speeches: Jessica Chastain

Follow Michael Arbeiter on Twitter @MichaelArbeiter.

[Photo Credit: Hollywood.com Illustration(8)]


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Staff editor Michael Arbeiter’s natural state of being can best be described as “mild panic attack.” His earliest memories of growing up in Queens, New York, involve nighttime conversations with a voice from his bedroom wall (the jury’s still out on what that was all about) and a love for classic television that spawned from the very first time he was allowed to watch “The Munsters.” Attending college at SUNY Binghamton, a 20-year-old Michael learned two things: that he could center his future on this love for TV and movies, and that dragons never actually existed — he was kind of late in the game on that one.

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