We’ve delved passionately into many adventures over the course of these past few months. Political season spawned the frightful warfare between pack animals (Donkeys Vs. Elephants) and snack foods (Pizza Vs. Burritos). Professional sports tossed us headfirst into a battle between jungle beasts and humanoid behemoths (Tigers Vs. Giants). And the release of the final chapter of The Twilight Saga left us smack dab in the middle of an age-old rivalry of Edwards Vs. Jacobs. But now, what with young Biblo Baggins and his gaggle of friends and foes gracing theaters at long last with The Hobbit, we find ourselves facing another unexpected journey: Trolls Vs. Dwarves.
Yes, our latest foray into the trenches will set us betwixt pop culture’s greatest examples of each member of these mythological species. When the feuding forces face off in Middle-earth, we are not quite plagued with the query of whom we might consider the more venerable team. A Troll has at its disposal size, strength, an ostensibly impenetrable epidermis. But a Dwarf! Think of the spirit, the beards, the propensity for musical housekeeping. A close battle this will be, no doubt. And one that we have been delegated with overseeing. Because that’s what we do here on the Internet.
And so, let us setting off through the forests, mountains, caverns, and regional theater houses of pop culture to pit against one another those individuals most worthy of adorning these Tolkienian titles. Gather your precious accessories and fire up the rabbit sleigh: it’s time for the epic escapade of Trolls Vs. Dwarves.
The Fairy Tale Journey: The Bridge Troll Vs. The Seven Dwarves
Fighting for the Troll Race: The bridge-and-tunnel dweller from the “Three Billy Goats Gruff” children’s story
You have my sword, my bow, and…: His insatiable appetite, and a residence that gets Red Hot Chili Peppers stuck in enemies’ heads
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: The day-laboring septet of Snow White acclaim
You have my sword, my bow, and…: Their impressive work-ethic, plus a sneeze packed with superhuman inertia
The Victor: The Seven Dwarves, of course. First of all, strength in numbers. Second, they’ve got Disney money funding their fight.
The ’80s Movies Journey: Torok Vs. Willow
Fighting for the Troll Race: The dastardly San Francisco based monster who just wants to be human again from John Carl Buechler’s 1986 horror film Troll
You have my sword, my bow, and…: His emerald ring… huh, I guess magical rings and trolls are just naturally coexisting phenomena in fantasy fiction
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Willow Ufgood, the good-hearted warrior who fends off forces of evil to protect an innocent young infant
You have my sword, my bow, and…: His spellbook, courtesy of a wizard as special thanks for being such a devoted bodyguard — also, he’s totally cool to watch your kids while you run to the food store real quick
The Victor: Willow. No heart as strong as his can be overtaken by a dark force like Torok.
The Comedic Journey: Danny DeVito’s Tolling Troll Vs. Tim Conway’s Dorf
Fighting for the Troll Race: Danny DeVito’s wretched, beaked creature, charged with keeping prisoner the “baby boy” who would eventually slay the Night Man and win the heart of a coffee shop princess
You have my sword, my bow, and…: His wicked occupancy of the boy’s hole soul, and a bounty of toll money
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Tim Conway’s jack of all trades character Dorf, of such films as Dorf on Golf, Dorf Goes Fishing, and Dorf and the First Games of Mount Olympus
You have my sword, my bow, and…: His knack for bestowing knowledge about some of life’s great mysteries unto the viewing public
The Victor: Danny DeVito wins this battle, thanks in part because he’s “got a guy” for this sort of thing
The Cyberspace Journey: Internet Trolls Vs. The “PYGMIES + DWARFS” Argument
Fighting for the Troll Race: The notorious subspecies that haunts Reddit message boards.
You have my sword, my bow, and…: Their tenacity for ruining intelligent conversations about pop culture phenomena
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: The controversial “PYGMIES + DWARFS” Argument that spawned on the famed science blog Pharyngula between host PZ Myers and Bible literalist Jim Pinkoski
You have my sword, my bow, and…: Its mind-blowing absurdity
The Victor: “PYGMIES VS. DWARFS.” The whole ordeal might be divisive, but everyone hates Internet trolls.
The Really Cold Places Journey: The Troll Ski Resort Vs. Eris, the Dwarf Planet
Fighting for the Troll Race: The lovely vacation spot of the Troll Ski Resort, located in snowy British Columbia!
You have my sword, my bow, and…: It’s challenging slopes and piping hot cocoa
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Eris, the dwarf planet floating outside of Neptune’s orbit
You have my sword, my bow, and…: The fact that it’s almost freakin’ planet
The Victor: Eris, because it has an actual gravitational pull. Although I hear the TSR is divine.
The Musical Journey: Troll (the band) Vs. Dwarves (also a band)
Fighting for the Troll Race: A band. They’re called Troll. I have never heard of them.
You have my sword, my bow, and…: Their black metal.
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Dwarves, another band. I also don’t know them. I’m sorry.
You have my sword, my bow, and…: Their American punk!
The Victor: Trolls. I find their music more frightening.
The Ultimate Journey: Troll Dolls Vs. Tyrion Lannister
Fighting for the Troll Race: Those horrifying dolls that hypnotized American youths into thinking they were awesome back in the ’60s
You have my sword, my bow, and…: Their mortifying profit margins
Fighting for the Dwarf Race: Tyrion Lannister, Peter Dinklage’s fan favorite antihero on Game of Thrones
You have my sword, my bow, and…: His Emmy
The Victor: Tyrion Lannister, and I’m sure no one is going to argue with me there (people love that dude).
We might have lost a couple of Dwarves in this treacherous crusade, but the Trolls’ wrath was duly quelled. The Dwarves, the force of good in The Hobbit (and almost everywhere else, it seems!) will always prevail. Head on out to theaters to see them take down a few nasty Trolls in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey!
[Photo Credit: Warner Bros.]
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