WWL: Ballsy Bruno, Hackneyed ‘Hamlet’ and More

[IMG: LAt the end of each week, we take a handful of news stories from the world of movies and break them down into a series of handy equations. Because we know how much you love math.

Sacha Baron Cohen’s Ass  +  Eminem’s Face  =  Finally, a Reason to Watch the VMAs

In between alternating Twilight and Jonas Bros. butt-kissing sessions, something genuinely interesting happened during MTV’s Video Music Awards when Sacha Baron Cohen introduced his own well-manicured derriere to Eminem’s reluctant lips. The incident, a publicity stunt for Cohen’s upcoming Bruno flick, was completely staged, but that didn’t detract from the joy of seeing Eminem experience what we felt when we listened to his last album.

Hollywood  –  Creativity  =  Another F–king Hamlet Movie

By our rough, highly inaccurate count, there have been at least 58 different big-screen versions of Shakespeare’s Hamlet — 17 of which were directed by Kenneth Branagh — since Edison invented the kinetoscope. Yet another version, starring Speed Racer‘s Emile Hirsch, will be directed by spurned Twilight helmer Catherine Hardwicke. Oh, happy day.

Hollywood  –  Creativity  +  Narcotics  =  A Where’s Waldo? Movie

We all know Hollywood loves going back to the well, but it’s becoming increasingly apparent that said well has been spiked with high-grade Bolivian nose candy. Now they’re planning a film based on those crappy books you got for Christmas from your clueless Aunt in 1992. (That said, we like Daniel Radcliffe for the lead role – he’s already got the glasses.) One can only assume an M.C. Escher movie will soon get the greenlight. 

Star Wars  –  George Lucas  =  A New Hope?

On Tuesday, videogame designer BioWare debuted a terrific trailer for its upcoming Star Wars-themed MMO game The Old Republic, giving us a tantalizing glimpse of what’s possible when franchise monolith Lucas isn’t directly involved in the creative process. No Jar-Jars or Padmes or senate filibusters — just a massive, badass Jedi/Sith battle royale. Please retire, George. And take The Clone Wars with you.

Shia LaBeouf  +  Wall Street 2  =  Gordon Gekko and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Are you an old-school director looking to regain lost footing with the ever-important youth demographic? Well, my friend, Shia’s your man. He’s hip enough to instantly boost your street cred with the kiddies, yet won’t threaten the massive, fragile ego of your aging leading man. Oliver Stone couldn’t have picked a better whipping boy for Michael Douglas for his upcoming Wall Street sequel.

Oh, and the New Moon trailer was released. But you probably already knew that.

LAST WEEK’S WHAT WE LEARNED: Paunch-Less Pattinson, Cage’s Crack Pipe and More