As TV viewers everywhere wiped tears from their eyes following host Billy Crystal’s hilarious opening song montage, the 76th Academy Awards launched into an evening with some definitely quotable quotes. Here are some of the best:
Billy, Billy, Billy…
“I’ll be your Master and Commander tonight…and well into tomorrow.”
“Ms. Theron, you look fabulous, but you scared the be-Jesus outta Mel Gibson.”
“When I first hosted the Oscars, thirteen years ago, Bush was president. The economy was tanking. We were about to go to war with Iraq. Imagine that!”
“Johnny Depp, the sexiest man alive! Did I just say that out loud?”
“The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King gets 11 nominations…one for each ending.”
“Lost in Translation–Gov. Schwarzenegger’s favorite film.”
“[Lost in Translation] took 27 days to make…about how long it took Francis [Ford Coppola] to wake up Marlon Brando. And he did it with three little words, ‘Key lime pie.'”
“But Peter Jackson woke up this morning with Seabiscuit’s head in his bed.”
“I’ve appreciated that the Academy has let me come and go as the Oscar host. Kind of like the Texas National Guard.”
“All Hobbit costumes are on sale at the House of DeVito.”
On asking a select group what their favorite films of 2003 were: “Hilary Clinton–Kill Bill; Martha Stewart: Runaway Jury; Rush Limbaugh and Whitney Houston–21 Grams and Saddem Hussein–Holes. And he can stay there.”
“Some good news; they found Nemo. Bad news is they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck’s puffed pastries.”
On letting us know what the celebs in the audience were really thinking:
Sean Penn: “This is a nice place, don’t think I was ever thrown out of here.”
Julie Andrews: “God, this sunburst nipple ring is killing me.”
Sean Connery: “Pussy Galore! I just got it! That’s vulgar.”
Julia Roberts: “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m rich.”
Oprah Winfrey: “You wanna talk rich, girlfriend?”
“It’s official. There’s no one left in New Zealand to thank,” then later, after Lord of the Rings won again, “People are moving to New Zealand, just to be thanked.”
“I want to thank the people of Long Island, while we are thanking people.”
“Now, here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. But first, the president of the Academy. Here he is, the weapon of mass sleep induction…oh, take it easy, would ya please?,” introducing Frank Pierson, president of AMPAS.
“Don’t go, Bill. Don’t go, Bill. It’s O.K. We love you,” to Bill Murray after he lost the Best Actor award to Sean Penn.
How about a little Robin and Billy together?
“The reason for our five second delay, ladies and gentlemen,” Crystal to Robin Williams, as Williams tried to expose his breast.
“We’re a San Francisco wedding cake,” Williams, holding Crystal’s hand, proudly.
“As a French Minnie Mouse, with armpit hair, would say, ‘Eisner, if you lose Pixar, all you’ll have left is a muppet and a water slide!'” Williams presenting the animated feature Oscar, adding, “Freedom fries are from Belgium. I’ll kill you!”
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Of course, there were others
“If you are a person out there who has been abused, there’s no shame in seeking help and council. Only way to stop the violence,” Tim Robbins, on winning the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for playing a victim of abuse in Mystic River.
“That’s a snappy tune,” Tom Hanks, walking out onstage to “Hail to the Chief”
“Up, up! It’s their moment, not yours to pout,” Owen Wilson to Ben Stiller, when Stiller came out dressed as Starsky to plug their movie Starsky & Hutch at Wilson’s suggestion, only to find a dashing, tuxedo-clad Wilson.
“We’re so thankful Lord of the Rings did not qualify in this category,” Denise Robért, producer of The Barbarian Invasions, on accepting the Oscar for Best Foreign Language film.
“Sofia, I always wanted you to be part of the family,” Francis Ford Coppola, to his Oscar-winning daughter Sofia Coppola.
“Four days into shooting, certain members of our Tokyo crew politely asked if they could quit the film. They did not feel the director knew what she was doing. We were politely refused,” Bill Murray, on director Sofia Coppola, as he introduced a clip from the Best Picture nominee Lost in Translation.
“When Barbara Walters once interviewed her and asked her, quite pointedly, ‘Kate, you always wear pants, do you even own a skirt?’ Hepburn replied, ‘I have one, Ms. Walters. I’ll wear it to your funeral,'” Julia Roberts, quoting the late, great Katharine Hepburn.
“I know everyone in New Zealand has been thanked, but I’m going to thank everyone in South Africa, my home country!” Charlize Theron, accepting her award for Best Actress.
“I really thank Clint Eastwood, professionally and humanly, for coming into my life…and Robin [Wright Penn] for being an undying emotional inspiration on this roller coaster I’m learning to enjoy,” Sean Penn, accepting his award for Best Actor.
“This is just unbelievable…Fantasy is the f-word hopefully the five second delay won’t do anything about…thanks to everyone in New Zealand and Billy Crystal is welcome to come and make a film in New Zealand anytime he wants,” Peter Jackson, accepting the Oscar for Best Picture.
And if you didn’t catch them, here are the lyrics to Will Ferrell and Jack Black’s “Time To Get Off the Stage, Your Acceptance Speech Is Too Long” song
This is it.
You’re time is through.
You’re bor-ring!
You’re rambling on…no end in sight
You’re bor-ring!
No need to thank your parakeet!
You’re bor-ring!
Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones, she’s snor-ring!
You could have rushed up to the stage, but you were lollygagging
They’re turning off your microphone…
And cutting to a commercial for Del Taco!
Del Taco!
Del Taco!
Del Taaa-aaa-coo!!!
