Hear that ticking? Yes, it’s the sound of another summer bomb about to explode at a theater near you. For every Dark Knight and Iron Man, Hollywood’s popcorn season also has a Love Guru and Speed Racer. These are the big-budget disasters in the making that suffer early from bad buzz and arrive to scathing audience reaction. Hollywood.com’s decided to reassess 10 of the biggest summer bummers to be forced upon us during the past decade. Bombs away!
10. Kingdom of Heaven (2 ½ stars)
Year of Release: 2005
U.S. Box Office Gross: $47.3 million
Reported Budget: $130 million
The Reassessment: Yes, Ridley Scott’s 194-minute director’s cut of this contemplative Crusades-era epic is vastly superior to the shorter version that didn’t satisfy the bloodlust of the Gladiator crowd. Extended and reinserted scenes not only clarify plot developments and previously unexplained relationships, but also provide greater meaning behind many of the characters’ otherwise questionable actions. But some of the theatrical cut’s problems—from its grueling pace to the truncated battle scenes that leave you wanting more—still exist. You never truly get a sense of what this dark moment in history means to Orlando Bloom’s blacksmith turned knight until the end, when he passionately denounces all the suffering that’s been carried out in the name of religion. By then, though, you may have already switched off Kingdom of Heaven to once again cheer on Gladiator.
Photo courtesy of 20th Century Fox
[PAGEBREAK]
9. Eyes Wide Shut (2 stars)
Year of Release: 1999
U.S. Box Office Gross: $55.6 million
Reported Budget: $65 million
The Reassessment: Today, as it did in 1999, Stanley Kubrick’s final film feels like the ramblings of a recluse happily out of touch with the world. The Lolita director would have made a timely and important statement about white middle-class America’s response to the Sexual Revolution had this been released in the 1960s. Despite its ominous tone, strange goings on and shadowy characters, this is one long tease that ultimately equates extramarital sex with death (though Kubrick barely acknowledges the existence of AIDS). Yes, Kubrick draws you into the odd sexual shenanigans that Tom Cruise’s doctor observes. But whenever Cruise comes close to participating to punish his unfaithful wife (Nicole Kidman, then Mrs. Cruise), he runs home. For a director unafraid to break taboos, Kubrick sadly went out with a whimper.
Photo courtesy of Warner Bros.
[PAGEBREAK]
8. The Island (2 stars)
Year of Release: 2005
U.S. Box Office Gross: $35.8 million
Reported Budget: $126 million
The Reassessment: Michael Bay’s first louder-than-bombs extravaganza made without producer Jerry Bruckheimer was also his first outright flop. It’s not hard to see why. This lead-footed tale of two human clones—manufactured for body parts—fleeing their creator is nothing but The Sixth Day by way of Logan’s Run. For all the God-like technology on display, Bay’s depiction of a future world desperate to cheat death is as nondescript as the performances by Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Unlike Gattaca, The Island never concerns itself with the ethical questions raised by human cloning. Or, for that matter, does Bay bother to explore in any depth the existential crisis endured by McGregor’s curious clone. Then again, as a spare-no-expense, ground-to-air chase around L.A. proves, Bay’s only comfortable when he’s causing death and destruction.
Photo courtesy of DreamWorks S.K.G.
[PAGEBREAK]
7. Hulk (2 stars)
Year of Release: 2003
U.S. Box Office Gross: $132.1 million
Reported Budget: $137 million
The Reassessment: Ang Lee deserves respect for trying to transcend the superhero genre before Christopher Nolan succeeded with The Dark Knight. Unfortunately, this ponderous study of the duality of man reveals how not to bring a superhero to life. Hulk looks like the work of someone familiar with the medium—split screens duplicate a comic book’s paneled format—but Lee has no grasp of the material. He so overly intellectualizes Bruce Banner’s transformation from scientist to monstrous powerhouse that you wonder whether he thinks he’s completing a psychology dissertation. He should have concentrated on creating a lifelike computer-generated Hulk. Or reworking the dense script to downplay the film’s father-son estranged relationship to bulk up on scenes of the Hulk on the rampage. Too much brains, not enough brawn makes this Hulk–unlike the recent reboot–incredibly puny.
Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures
[PAGEBREAK]
6. Wild Wild West (2 stars)
Year of Release: 1999
U.S. Box Office Gross: $113.8 million
Reported Budget: $170 million
The Reassessment: Sure, this revival of the 1960s TV series follows the template Will Smith and director Barry Levinson created for Men in Black. A law-enforcement veteran (Kevin Kline) is paired with a young hotshot (Smith) to save a grateful nation from a bad guy armed with all sorts of futuristic weapons, including a giant mechanical spider. And let’s not forget the beautiful sidekick, played by an in-your-face Salma Hayek. Even if Smith and Kline work well together, Wild Wild West is not as much fun as it should have been. Everything feels forced and unapologetically conventional, from our heroes’ supposedly witty repartee to the outlandish special effects that make you forget you’re watching a Western. Steampunk, Big Willie Style—it was a bad idea then, and it’s a bad idea now.
Photo courtesy of Warner Bros.
[PAGEBREAK]
5. Lady in the Water (1 ½ stars)
Year of Release: 2006
U.S. Box Office Gross: $42.2 million
Reported Budget: $70 million
The Reassessment: Who exactly is supposed to curl up at the feet of M. Night Shyamalan and listen to his bedtime story about a narf named Story? This murky tale about a rare water nymph (a blank-faced Bryce Dallas Howard) and the janitor (an inspired Paul Giamatti) who protects her from a monster is too scary and drawn-out even for kids raised on the Brothers Grimm. It’s too silly and uninvolving for their parents. Shyamalan begs us to believe in something magical, but Lady in the Water possesses not one single enchanting moment. And, for his talk about faith and hope, Shyamalan offers no revealing insights into the human condition. All it does is confirm—along with The Village and The Happening—that Shyamalan’s a one-trick pony whose time has come and gone.
Photo courtesy of Warner Bros.
[PAGEBREAK]
4. Catwoman (1 star)
Year of Release: 2004
U.S. Box Office Gross: $40.2 million
Reported Budget: $100 million
The Reassessment: This fur ball isn’t as terrible as Batman and Robin, but only by a whisker. Halle Berry’s Catwoman is a good girl, which unfortunately makes her quite monotonous compared to Batman Return’s conflicted feline seductress. At least Berry’s done the super heroine thing before, so she can kick butt. Too bad Sharon Stone makes for an unworthy adversary. Dressed in leather, with whip in hand, Berry looks more of an S&M dominatrix than a crime fighter. And her constant purring, licking and scratching is silly and embarrassing. Maybe Catwoman would have turned out better had director Pitof settled on a consistent tone. It’s not campy enough to be a guilty pleasure, but it’s too stupid to be taken seriously. In the process, he wastes Catwoman’s nine lives in one go.
Photo courtesy of Warner Bros.
[PAGEBREAK]
3. The Love Guru (1/2 star)
Year of Release: 2008
U.S. Box Office Gross: $31.9 million *
Reported Budget: $62 million
*Through Aug. 10
The Reassessment: Mike Myers’ latest comic creation is just another horny international man of mystery, albeit one cursed to wear a chastity belt. Whereas Austin Powers charmed and disarmed you with his childish fish-out-of-water ways, Hindu motivational master Guru Pitka inspires revulsion. It’s hard to like a charlatan who’s more entertained than concerned by his clients’ suffering. Myers lazily trots out jokes that are older than the Taj Mahal, rehashes his aren’t-dwarfs- amusing? routine with Verne Troyer, and plucks the sitar for several mirthless Bollywood-style musical interludes. By the time Pitka’s free to bed Jessica Alba, you’re confused as to whether Myers is lampooning the self-help industry or lavishing praise on the work done by pal Deepak Chopra. Let’s hope The Love Guru isn’t a sign that Myers has lost his mojo.
* Through July 20.
Photo courtesy of Paramount Pictures
[PAGEBREAK]
2. Gigli (1/2 star)
Year of Release: 2003
U.S. Box Office Gross: $6 million
Reported Budget: $54 million
The Reassessment: Had Halle Berry decided to get Gigli with it, we would have been spared “Bennifer.” Oh, well. Unlike “Brangelina”’s Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Gigli offers no visual evidence that Berry’s replacement Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were falling for each other while shooting this witless, humdrum and clumsily executed black comedy about two low-level assassins and their Rain Man-like kidnap victim. Whether you saw the film in 2003 or last night, you’re left without a doubt that Lopez and Affleck were not meant to be together, on-or off-screen. Lopez isn’t bad, but Affleck humiliates himself trying to channel Vin Diesel. Forget that Gigli’s rhymes with really; it’s gone down in history as code for a predestined box office failure that stars an overexposed Hollywood power couple fated to split.
Photo courtesy of Columbia Pictures
[PAGEBREAK]
1. Battlefield Earth (No stars)
Year of Release: 2000
U.S. Box Office Gross: $21.4 million
Reported Budget: $44 million *
The Reassessment: John Travolta obviously had high hopes for this pathetic Star Wars/Independence Day mashup, as it only covers half of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s book. But instead of making a sequel, Travolta earned just a Razzie for producing this misguided passion project. Looking like the Predator crossbred with Counting Crows’ Adam Duritz, Travolta gets all villainous on us as the alien entrepreneur who’s trained “man-animals”—including resistance fighter Barry Pepper—to mine gold. It’s hard to tell which is worse: Travolta and Forest Whitaker’s hammy performances, the dreadful chitchat about freedom, commerce and spirituality, or the slipshod special effects. Actually, it’s director Roger Christian’s predilection for shooting from tilted camera angles. Watching Battlefield Earth won’t will not just leave you with a migraine—it will literally give you a pain in the neck. Anyone have directions to the nearest Scientology-run massage tent?
* The budget was originally reported to be $75 million, but during a court case against Franchise Pictures, Battlefield Earth was said to cost just $44 million.
Photo courtesy of Warner Bros.
