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Kazakh Attack: Meet ‘Borat’

Every so often we here at Hollywood.com come across a small little film that might be otherwise overlooked by the general viewing public, movies we find so fascinating we feel compelled to spread the word. One of those films is a riveting documentary by a filmmaker from former Communist country of Kazakhstan that powerfully illuminates the cultural differences between Americans and the members of this little-known nation—and even our common bonds, including struggles with anti-Semitism and an appreciation of Pamela Anderson.

The film is called Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, and we are pleased to introduce you to the charming documentarian himself, Borat Sagdiyev.

Borat: Good evening, good morning, gentleman and prostitutes. A very nice to see so many smiling faces here today.

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Hollywood.com: First question: Can you tell us about yourself?
My name is Borat Sagdiyev. I a son of Asim Balat Sagdiyev and Boltolk the rapist. I am former husband of Osana Sagdiyev who was daughter of Mary Anne Pulakby and Boltolk the rapist. My hobbies is disco dance, table tennis and also taking photographs of ladies doing toilet without their knowledge. Why not? They do not know! I have previous work as icemaker and gypsy catcher. And I was also work in computer maintenance. I was the one who paints the outside and then remove the dead bird from its pipes. You like the birds? I move on. I have three children: Bilalk, Bilam and Hueylewis who is 12 years old. He has a two children: Bilalk who is 13 has American pen friend called Mr. Foley. He say meet in hotel room. Is nice. My sister make my family very proud by being number four prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. She recently received award from Kazakh Minister of Industry for best sex in mouth. I also who have a brother named Bilo. He is a retard with small head, but very strong arms. He has 204 teeth, 201 in mouth and three in nose. My first wife is dead. High five! She was shoot by a hunter who mistake her for a bear because she has much arm on her arms and back. No problem. I have a new wife. But I like cheat.

HW: You recently traveled to Washington to meet with President Bush. What is your opinion of our president?
Borat: We in Kazakhstan very much admire your mighty warlord George Walter Bush. He is a very wise man and also a strong man. But perhaps not as strong as his father Barbara. Next question.

HW: How does Kazakhstan’s political system compare with America’s?
There are small differences between our system of politic. In Kazakh elections, for example, the winner is not the man with the most votes, but candidate who can carry a woman against her will for the furthest distance. Our present leader can manage 4.3 miles. How long can premier Bush? There are other differences too. In America, a woman can vote, but the horse cannot. That is unusual. We say in my country, “To give a woman a vote is like to let the monkey fly the plane.” Very dangerous.

HW: Did you enjoy your time filming here?
I would like say that I liking U, S and A very much. Enjoy your peoples and enjoy your delicious food. First day I here, I go to restaurant named McDonalds, which is so fancy pants, it actually have a separate room for making toilet in. There I eat 17 hamburgers and 600 packets of red soup called ketchup. These did not agree so much with my stomach and the next day my anus was hang loose like the mouth of a tired dog. But, I learn many things that is different than one I expect from your country. For example, I was surprised to learn it is now illegal to shoot at red Indians. Once again, if anyone watching this, I would like to apologize with all my heart to Chief Running Deer at the Potawatomi Casino in Nevada.

HW: What American person or people would you like to meet?
Borat: I would most like to meet some of the new Hollywood starlets. In particular, Elizabeth Taylor [growls]. I would also like to meet fearless anti-Jew warrior Melvin Gibson. We in Kazakhstan agree with his comments that the Jews started all wars and we also have proof that they were responsible for killing off all the dinosaurs. Also, Hurricane Katrina. They did it. It’s a long story. I would also like to have an encounter with American football player, American football hero O.J. Simpsons who is a huge star in my country and has earlier this year visited capital Almaty, where he judged the Ms. Kazakhstan contest. Our ladies very much like this muscular man. One contestant was so crazy on him that she breaked into his hotel room while he was sleeping. She then stab herself to death and covered his clothes in blood. Fanatic!

HW: Was there any specific movies that inspired your film and what films do you admire?
Borat: In Kazakhstan, we are huge fannies of U, S of A movies. And we have shown this by manufacturing pirate DVD’s of many of them. We like movies of funny man Edward Murphy. We in Kazakhstan laugh very much when we see his chocolate face. It is unusual, the color! Other American films we like are RobocopTitanic and the sex comedy The Accused.

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HW: How will the release of your movie affect your life in Kazakhstan?
Borat: You know, I try to stay a normal person. I like to relax like any other married man. I shoot dogs. I receive a open mouth party for my sister and I like to drink fermented horse urine with the boys. I just a regular guy. But, I am proud of my status. I am now the fourth most famous person in all of Kazakhstan. Number three is ex-Olympic gymnast Liliut Zmarkem who now perform in the state circus where she is famous for being able to put one foot in her mouth while the other is in vageen. It’s incredible! Number two is our glorious premier, Nursultan Nzarbayev. And number one is children’s favorite animal actor, Jerry the Monkey, who as you may know was the star of Torotabilski Express and many, many other pornos. But, it’s not just me that has changed. Kazakhstan has improved very much since I return from U, S and A. We recently introduced the death penalty from your country. Great idea! We give it for serious crimes such as murder, cleaning anus with our national flag and baking bagels,

HW: What are your future projects?
Borat: I, eh, not sure exactly when I will next make a movie film, because for the next 18 months my country’s camera is fully booked for make other television shows. This include programs such as Kazakhstan’s Next Top Prostitute and the comedy film about the person who waited very late in his life to make sexy time. It’s called The 4-Year-Old Virgin. Almost five and he never make little explosion.

HW: Has working on a big movie changed your opinion of women? Did you have women on your crew?
Borat: There is no women in Kazakh film industry. We say, “To give a woman a camera is like to give a monkey a gun.” We have stopped doing that ever since the 2003 Almatyi Zoo massacre.

HW: Do you still enjoy watching Baywatch and will Pamela Anderson be at your premiere?
Borat: I must make clear this lady, Pamela, has start to stalk me, as you say. Already this week she has sent me three love messages through her lawyer. Saying sexy things like, “I must not go further than 30 miles from her house, mail her dirty antipants or say on my MySpace bloggings that I want to make romance insider her.” Pamela, if you watch this, leave me alones. Ah, she will not be arrive at the premiere, no.

HW: You have a very prominent page on MySpace. What do you think of the Internet? And have you tried Internet dating?
Borat: I have tried hard on the Internet to meet a nice Western girlies for chitchat and sexy times. My preferences is ladies with yellow hair, plow experience and little or no history of retardation in family. I have even offer television with remote control, a red dress and two strong shoes, all of which I will remove from the body of my late wife. But, in return I insist that they will not cheat on me. I must say I am the second Kazakh man ever on MySpaces. The first was the minister of agriculture, Moorat Sukeyev, but his page was taken down because of a sex crime. It is no problem, he is now posing as Johnny Texas, age 11. He has already received 200 messages from your Mr. Foley.

HW: What do you think about the ad placed in the New York Times by the Kazakh government?
This claims that Kazakhstan is tolerant of religions, treat women equally are all disgusting fabrications perpetrated by the assholes Uzbekistan. Who as we have said, I’ve said before are very nosey people with a bone in the middle in their brain. If there is one more item of Uzbeki propaganda claiming we in Kazakhstan do not drink fermented horse urine, give the death penalty for cleaning anus with flag or export over 300 tons of human pubis every year, then we will be left with no alternative but to commence bombardment of their cities with our catapult.

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HW: What are your plans for the DVD?
Borat: The anti-communist organization Fox will be release a DVD in a spring. We in Kazakhstan will be releasing our own pirate version one month earlier. It will have everything the Fox one has and some special extras including Superman Returns and Da Vinci Code.

HW: Why is your government so angry with Sacha Baron Cohen and have you ever met Mr. Baron Cohen?
Borat: I have said before, I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and I fully support my government’s decision to sue this Jew.

HW: Any last words for your audience?
Borat: Thank you very much, people of US and A. Very nice be here and meet you. A very honored for me to be here and to be welcomed by you. I hope later after junket you can come back my hotel room and we can wrestle totally nude and drink and shoot dogs from the windows. I like you!

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