Lindsay Lohan is Free! But we owe it to her to put a plan in place, a framework that will allow her to thrive. She’s given us so much. Let’s give back a little.
Behold: 25 Ways to Reboot Lindsay Lohan’s Career
25. Drop the Linda Lovelace Project
In fact, drop anything resembling porn. Drop all projects that involve being topless, or center around 1) being molested or 2) A sex object.
24. No More Photo Shoots!
You can’t shake a stick outside without hitting the latest “salacious photos of Lindsay Lohan” magazine cover. All this does is remind people you don’t act anymore.
23. Renounce Georgia Rule
Governments do this all the time. You can’t allow acts of career sabotage to go unchecked, even if they were perpetrated by you, upon yourself.
22. Go See Inception
Seriously, that’s just a good movie.
21. Book an Exclusive Interview with Stephen Colbert
Remember Freaky Friday? Or Herbie: Fully Loaded? You used to be about the funny, before things got weird, before your dad became someone people listen to (for some reason). Yeah, you did a Funny or Die skit, but it wasn’t funny enough. Colbert will make your comedic world right again. He’s got a gift.
20. Then Show Up on Between Two Ferns!
No one brings the awkward like Zach Galifianakis, and awkward is going to be your friend in the very near feature. Anything that distracts from the fact that your last good movie was Bobby is going to help. Speaking of …
19. Send a Copy of Bobby to Paul Thomas Anderson, Quentin Tarantino, Darren Aronofsky, Sam Mendes, Sofia Coppola …
And anyone else you can think of that might help you reclaim your career. The sad part of this equation is that you are talented. You just need the right auteur to tie it all together. Any of the above will work just dandy.
18. Cut All Ties to The Club Life
You’ve had a good run. But at a tender 24 years of age you’re dangerously close to heading into the wrong ladies room for a little extra circular and finding an undercover officer in there. Your quest stands on the edge of a knife. Stray but a little bit … and you will fail.
17. How’s About Starting a Book Club?
Throw up an invitation on CraigsList, maybe read that new Elisabeth Gilbert book. Sure, half the people won’t read the material, but at least you’ll be in bed by midnight!
16. Get a Hobby
Quilting! Or BBQ! Perhaps you’ll really dig breeding champion show dogs? Whatever the case, find a healthy outlet for all that energy that’s previously been channeled to hair dye and hard drinking.
15. Go Back to the Red Hair
It’s your best color. The blonde is too L.A. for the heartland. The brunette makes you look scary. Red for the win!
14. Consider Doing Television, But Quality Television
Weeds, Dexter, maybe even True Blood or 30 Rock. Don’t show up as a judge on American Idol or rock the mic on Glee. You’re not ready for that yet.
13. Give Yourself the Nickname “L Twice”
La Lohan needs to be retired. Permanently.
12. Watch All Five Seasons of The Wire
Seriously, that’s just a good show.
11. Watch All Seven Seasons of The West Wing
Okay, maybe you can skip season five. I’m not here to judge.
10. Consider Doing a Documentary
Joaquin Phoenix seems to be having a good time with it.
9. Find All Copies of Labor Pains
Then destroy them.
8. Quit Dating DJs
It never ends well, people who know music and hang out professionally are going to face too many temptations.
7. Do Some Charity Work
It might do the world some good to have the paparazzi staking out soup kitchens.
6. Host SNL Again
People forget how solid you were as Hermione. Help them remember!
5. No More Music
Word filtered out that you were using your time in the joint to write more of your “music.” Fair enough. Now put it in the same cathartic bonfire you threw Labor Pains into earlier. It’s better this way.
4. Weigh in on This Whole Israel – Iran Dilemma
Seriously, how awesome would it be to see Wolf Blitzer bringing Lindsay Lohan into The Situation Room? That would be must see TV.
3. No More Silly Hats
C’mon, is that how you head out to a job interview?
2. Get a Sponsor
They’ll help you hire your driver, develop your brand, and get you into cool commercials. Matthew McConaughey and beef really works. What about Lindsay going after the lucrative pharmaceutical advertising business? Oh, and get that other type of sponsor too, the kind you lean on when the nights get lonely. We need a motivated team working on you.
1. Two Words: Twitter Haiku
Your first tweet out of the gate felt like a whine. Stow that action, get creative, throw a little 5/7/5 our way. Win our hearts back. We want to believe in you Lindsay. You’ve just got to meet us halfway, much like you did in Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. Let’s do this thing, time’s a wastin’. The ball is in your court, L-Twice. Make us proud.
On that note, I hope you all have a freaky weekend!
Laremy is the lead critic and senior producer for a website named Film.com. He’s also available on Twitter.