WENN / Food Network / Everett Collection
Every family has its holiday traditions, and celebrities are no different. But since they’re richer, more famous, and more prone to ridiculous and over-the-top behavior than the rest of us are, their traditions are probably a lot more exciting. After all, who wouldn’t want to spend the afternoon gossiping over eggnog with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler or see what elaborate Christmas presents Jay Z and Beyonce have bought for Blue Ivy? It’s got to be better than watching your own relatives hit the carton too hard after they’ve opened whatever last minute gifts your aunt picked up at the airport on her way in.
But what would it really be like to spend the holidays with your favorite celebrity? Would there be tons of glamorous parties? Probably. How about expensive gifts? You bet. And what about the hot cocoa? Even the rich and famous aren’t immune to its warm, chocolatey goodness. In order to help you get through the holidays this year, we’ve come up with what we think some of the biggest celebrities are doing for Christmas this year, along with the perfect gift to earn yourself a spot on their Christmas card list.
Holiday traditions: Bieber probably throws a massive party every year, although his “Christmas” party doesn’t tend to differ too much from any of the numerous other parties he throws throughout the year. However, in an attempt to be festive, he would wear an all-white ensemble that he would accent with red sunglasses and sneakers, and he would recruit someone to make a dubstep remix of his Christmas album, which he would play as the party’s soundtrack. At some point in the night, he would probably have a bit too much to drink, and then he would drunk-dial Selena Gomez and leave her a voicemail of him singing “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. Then, he would return home to his family for the actual holiday, where he would drink cocoa and watch Elf with his baby brother and sister in his pajamas, while his mother wraps the presents he brought home for everyone. At the end of the night, Bieber would make sure that there was plenty of milk and cookies left out for Santa; he would claim it was to preserve the illusion for his siblings, but let’s be real. Bieber totally still believes in Santa.
What he would give you: Sunglasses and sneakers.
What he would get: Bieber probably wants some fancy chains or designer clothes, but we see the Biebs getting some footie pajamas this Christmas. Cool, grown-up footie pajamas, but footie pajamas nonetheless.
Holiday traditions: Clooney, being the sophisticated gentleman that he is, likely hosts a black tie affair at his home every year. Everything would be tastefully accented in gold, waiters would mill about with champagne and finger food, and all of the Academy voters who have been invited would have their every need catered to. After all of Clooney’s A-List guests have finished their awards-season campaigning, Anne Hathaway — who has spent most of the evening hovering around the piano, waiting for someone to ask her to perform — would lead the guests in a sing along that would last about five songs too long. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon would get drunk, and spend much of the evening loudly declaring how much they love everyone at the party, before deciding to wrestle each other and knock over one of Clooney’s impeccably decorated trees in the process. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would spend the whole party cornering innocent bystanders and forcing them to look through photos of their kids, and Leonardo DiCaprio would spend much of the night trying (and failing) to steal one of Clooney’s Oscars.
What he would give you: Clooney would make a donation to a charity in your name, but he would make a really big deal out of it.
What he would get: He would say that, really, he doesn’t want anything, because he already has so much, and he’s running out of space for all of his exotic cars.
Holiday traditions: As a professional basketball player, James spends a lot of time on the road, so for Christmas, he would just want to spend some time with his family and friends. He would spend a lot of time making his guests admire his Championship rings and the exact replicas he had made into tree ornaments so that he can decorate his Christmas tree with victory. Then, James and his teammates Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh would settle in with their kids to bond and play some board games. Unfortunately, with three NBA players, everything would get too competitive, and the kids would wander off to play video games while James, Wade, and Bosh get into a screaming match over Candyland, until one of them flips the game board in a rage. Then, after they calmed down, they would prank call Carmelo Anthony in order to tease him about the Knicks’ current season. Finally, they would all settle down for a massive Christmas feast, after which James would wear the paper crown from his Christmas cracker for far too long, and insist that everyone call him “King James.”
What he would give you: Miami Heat jerseys for the whole family.
What he would get: A festive sweatband to help hide his receding hairline all through the holidays.
Holiday traditions: Nobody does Christmas better than Taylor Swift; after all, she grew up on a Christmas tree farm. She would invite over a few friends for a Christmas tree decorating party, where the dress code would be either “ugly holiday sweater” or “blinding amounts of sparkle.” From there, she would lead her guests in Christmas-themed arts and crafts, building elaborate gingerbread houses that replicated the most iconic scenes in Love, Actually, and serve up cookies so intricately decorated they would make Martha Stewart weep. Then, after a quick wardrobe change, she would lead everyone in some Christmas carols before everyone indulged in some homemade hot cocoa and then participated in a Secret Santa gift exchange. Finally, Swift would cap off the most idyllic Christmas get-together ever with a double feature of It’s a Wonderful Life and White Christmas. Just be careful who you get caught under the mistletoe with, or you might end up as the inspiration for a song on her next album.
What she would give you: Homemade jam or a scarf she knitted herself.
What she would get: Cat ballet flats, red lipstick and lots and lots of glitter.
Holiday traditions: Though West might prefer not to take part in the annual Kardashian Family Khristmas Kard, he would send out one of his own that featured himself, Kim and baby North recreating the Nativity scene, and as one would expect, it would play Christmas songs that he re-wrote and recorded especially for this purpose. Then, outfitted in coordinating custom Givenchy outfits, the Kardashian-Wests would pay a quick visit to the rest of the Kardashians, where they would drop off unbelievably expensive presents tastefully wrapped in a color scheme of black and silver. Then, before they opened their own gifts at home, they would make sure to celebrate Yeezus, who, as we all know, is the real reason for the season. Finally, they would have over their good friends and the First Family of hip hop, Jay Z, Beyonce and Blue Ivy, and they would all enjoy a Christmas dinner catered by the finest vegan restaurants in the country before the men retired to the den to smoke cigars, drink some congac and congratulate each other on how beautiful their significant others are.
What he would give you: A box set of all of his albums.
What he would get: Kanye West would settle for nothing less than his own country.