Why, Exactly, Is John Malkovich Staring Down This Tiny Swedish Child?

John Malkovich visits StockholmFameFlynet

You don’t gain the thespian bravado occupied by the likes of John Malkovich without looking at the world as your stage. In between features at the moment, the master of the screen and stage was recently caught on camera during a vacation in Sweden. But for a man whose blood pumps celluloid, you’ve got to imagine that civilian life is nothing but a bore. As such, Malkovich needs to spice things up by adding some dramatic flare to everyday life. So when the Dangerous Liaisons star found himself in the otherwise mundane situation of ambling about in a public square in Stockholm in the company of only a strange toddler, his cinematic mind kicked into action. Oh, the bounty of ideas…

Sleepless in Stockholm
“All right, John,” says Malkovich. “In this scene, you’re playing an insomniac who — still dressed in his pajamas — gathers all of his earthly possessions in a single handbag to make a trip across the Atlantic to meet the Swedish resident he has been chatting with on the Internet… only to realize that she’s only six years old. And… cue disturbed face!”

The Dark Knight, Jr.
Malkovich gears up for another: “Okay, John. Here, you’re the Batman villain The Riddler, stripped of your question marks after a dry spell in riddle-based crimes that has come from an absence of Bruce Waynes to torture. But, lo and behold, you’ve found your new nemesis: Wayne’s illegitimate daughter, the next in line to wear the Bat suit, and she’s already got her eye on the bag of money you’ve stolen from Gotham’s Little Stockholm neighborhood. And… cue enigmatic face!”

Freaky Fredag
And another: “Here we go, Johnny Boy. In this one, you’ve just realized that the wish you made at the famous Gothenberg fountain to switch lives with a plucky young native has come true, and your body is housing the mind and spirit of a 7-year-old girl! As you, in the body of the little lady, try to convince her (in your body) to hand over the briefcase filled with your important business papers, you/she can’t help but delight in the chaotic ordeal. And… cue nanny-nanny-poo-poo face!”

Being John Monkeyvich
One last shot: “Here we go, J-Malk. All bets are off. You know the new Planet of the Apes movies? Well, we’re going to make our own. If Andy Serkis can do mo-cap, so can you. You’re the chimp. Just flail about like a chimp, and they’ll digitize the whole thing later. Here, this ridiculous blue sheet, they can computer animate some ape fur over that. Pretend this handbag is a banana. And that little girl? She’ll be our James Franco. It’s perfect! It’ll make millions! You won’t have to do red 3! And… cue stop-judging-me-I-really-want-that-houseboat face!”

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Staff editor Michael Arbeiter’s natural state of being can best be described as “mild panic attack.” His earliest memories of growing up in Queens, New York, involve nighttime conversations with a voice from his bedroom wall (the jury’s still out on what that was all about) and a love for classic television that spawned from the very first time he was allowed to watch “The Munsters.” Attending college at SUNY Binghamton, a 20-year-old Michael learned two things: that he could center his future on this love for TV and movies, and that dragons never actually existed — he was kind of late in the game on that one.

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