Suri’s Worst Nightmare Realized: Six Reasons for Suri Cruise to Fear the Royal Fetus


Guest columnist Allie Hagan is the author of the wisecracking blog Suri’s Burn Book and its companion book Suri’s Burn Book: Well-Dressed Commentary from Hollywood’s Little Sweetheart

My faux version of Suri Cruise has feared this week for years, having been guarding her heart against the possibility of a royal baby since long before Prince William married Kate. But what is it about this little heir-to-be that sets him or her apart from the rest of the celebrity baby pack? Here’s a deconstruction of what Suri fears most about the future Royal Highness.

Baby Cambridge will redefine his or her name — regardless of what it is.

Will and Kate won’t need to name their baby Blue Ivy or Zuma Nesta Rock to make him or her stand out. Even if the baby is Elizabeth or James, he or she will already be just about the most famous Elizabeth or James in the world.

Obviously, this baby is a literal prince — or, even scarier for Suri, a princess.

For as enamored as American tabloid readers are with Hollywood celebrity families, there’s something about the royals that garners them a unique kind of attention. The little prince or princess is going to be a media darling the likes of which this era of celeb-obsessed journalism has never seen. Everyone is going to be overshadowed.

This is the first British royal baby born in the modern media.

The concept of a “celebrity baby” is a relatively new one. My theory is that the cultural obsession with baby bumps and obscure celebrity baby names and all things celebrity child came about at the same time as human interest magazines got serious about their websites — and had to fill them with content 24/7. They needed more celebrities, and the children of existing celebs were a natural progression, especially when Shiloh, Suri, Kingston, and Violet were all born within a five-month span. The attention about to be paid to Kate’s baby bump is going to be outrageous.

There’s a fifty-fifty chance this kid is going to get Kate’s hair.

On the flip side, it could also get William’s.

The clothes will be legendary.

Every single outfit this child wears is going to be written about, and every onesie Kate dresses her baby in will sell out lightning-fast. Suri Cruise, Harper Beckham, and the other celebrity child fashionistas (clothesponies, as I call them) are about to be out-outfitted in a big way. And Kate won’t even have to try. There was a rumor going around that Victoria Beckham never dresses Harper in the same clothes twice — but Baby Cambridge’s “fashion sense” will be international “news” no matter what.

It could be twins.

Wouldn’t that be fun?

Follow Suri’s Burn Book author, Allie Hagan, on Twitter @allie_hagan, and check out her personal website here.

[Photo Credit: Thornton/Swarbrick/INFphoto]


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