Every week, Hollywood gives us something to whine about, and the week of July 29 was no different. We could make a drinking game out of this week, but that would be too dangerous. Instead, we’ll stick to the usual formula: varying levels of alcoholic respite depending on how bothersome the week’s issues are. Is your biggest complaint this week a flimsy one? How about a light cocktail to take the edge off? Got a real bone to pick with a celeb or entertainment entity this week? Go ahead, grab a drink that’ll put hair on your chest. Here are the week’s entertainment stories that are forcing us to seek a bubbly or boozy refuge. And maybe an idea or two about how you should wash them down.
LIGHTEN UP WITH AN ORANGE WHIP
Megan Fox is pregnant with her second child before we even realize she already has a child. (Seriously, did anybody know?!)
Lana del Rey is starring in a short film. I recommend pairing the viewing with a Pepsi Cola that tastes like…uh…
Denzel Washington was almost cast in Fast & Furious 7, an appropriate choice for a man with former experience in déjà vu.
WASH THIS WEEK DOWN WITH a SINGAPORE SLING
Miley Cyrus covers “On My Own” from Les Misérables, insisting that she loves him and every day she’s learning. If that’s truly the case, I’d start looking for a new singing teacher ASAP.
Pot was found on Justin Bieber’s tour bus ’cause all he needs is a beauty and a bong.
Ke$ha was born with a tail, suddenly giving us new insight into the inspiration for her song “Animal.”
Harry Styles reveals he’s slept with two women, making us wonder if he told them both she was his “last first kiss.”
HIT THE HARDER STUFF WITH A MARTINI (SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED)
Teresa Guidice appeared shockingly calm when slammed with fraud charges, but we know on the inside all she wants to do is flip a table.
Lindsay Lohan leaves rehab, giving us hope that the court will realize she had zero control over the car she crashed and was actually in the VW Beetle from Herbie: Fully Loaded.
Alex Trebek embarasses Newtown boy and himself on national TV, simultaneously answering the Final Jeopardy! question: who’s a jackass?
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More:
Unhappy Hour: Week of July 22
Unhappy Hour: Week of July 13
Unhappy Hour: Week of June 24
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