4 Crotch Shots, 13 Tongues: Miley Cyrus’ ‘We Can’t Stop’ By the Numbers

Credit: RCA Records

Let’s just say you drank a gallon of Red Bull, stayed awake for 37 hours, smoked a few grams of an illegal substance, and then decided to start a dream journal. And then you took said journal, set your scribblings to music, and filmed the whole thing. The result would be, we imagine, akin to Miley Cyrus‘ music video for “We Can’t Stop.”

In the video (above), Cyrus’ enthusiastic gyrations and grill-clad smile are the least bizarre things caught on film. There were so many weird things, we decided to count them up. Maybe quantifying the strangeness will be the first step on the (very long) road to understanding it. 

We spied, with our little eyes:

2.5 Instances of Gratuitous Product Placement (it’s arguably obvious that is Wonder Bread)

4 Crotch Shots

11 Simulated Sex Acts

Credit: RCA Records

13 Stuck Out Tongues (1 Non-Miley)

2 Curse Words

13 Individual Stuffed Animals

4 Scenes of Spankings

5 Severed Body Parts

8 Twerks (Twerkings? What’s the noun form of “twerk”?)

4 Strange Uses for Food

Credit: RCA Records

1 Unidentified Liquid

1 Ambiguously Sexual Doll

2 Drug References

And that’s really just the tip of the iceberg. 

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In Defense of Miley Cyrus  
Miley Cyrus Wore a Stupid Pair of Pants  
Miley Cyrus’s New Single ‘We Can’t Stop’ is Scandalous 

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Celebrity Editor Abbey Stone hails from the fair isle of Martha's Vineyard, a lovely, vaguely dinosaur-shaped spot of land located off the coast of Cape Cod, MA, that is best known for exporting preppy salmon-colored pants. But the bright lights of New York City beckoned, and Abbey was lured away from her coastal haven to attend Barnard College. She graduated in 2010 with a degree in English and a much less useful minor in Dance. Abbey has been published in Dance Magazine, The Huffington Post, Time Out New York, and Popstar! magazine (where she learned more than she ever wanted to know about Justin Bieber). Abbey now lives in Brooklyn, where she spends her days watching stupid Internet videos and reading pretentious books.