Zombies are taking over Hollywood. I’m not referring to the fictional flesh-eaters of Zombieland (pictured, right) either — I mean the real, undead deal. At this very moment, there are zombies prowling around Los Angeles, signing three-picture deals at CAA, picking up Propofol prescriptions at the Mickey Fine Pharmacy, and noshing on the chopped brain salad with puss vinaigrette at Spago (Wolfgang’s specialty!). Don’t believe me? Consider the following examples. (Note: All of the photos used in this article are real and unaltered.)
Recent Credits: Youth in Revolt, G-Force, dozens of independent films of varying quality
Why he might be a zombie: That bloodless countenance, those bulging eyes — Buscemi’s got a face that’s made for art-house cinephiles. Or the undead. (Honestly, it’s tough to tell them apart sometimes.)
Recent credits: Couples Retreat, Four Christmases, Fred Claus
Why he might be a zombie: I love the jovial, wisecracking Vaughn as much as anyone, but sometimes the guy looks as if he hasn’t slept since Swingers.
Recent credits: Balls of Fury, Hairspray, Man of the Year
Why he might be a zombie: Forget the long pauses between words and distinctive staccato delivery — just look at the man. That ain’t human, folks.
Recent credits: Burn After Reading, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Michael Clayton
Why she might be a zombie: Gaunt, severe, blindingly white and oddly ageless. Is she a zombie, or merely British? You tell me.
Recent credits: Mad Money, Batman Begins
Why she might be a zombie: Some say she hasn’t been herself since she married Tom Cruise. I can’t speak to that, but I have noticed that L. Ron Hubbard’s writings are suspiciously mum on the topic of human brain consumption.
Recent credits: Knowing, Bangkok Dangerous, National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Why he might be a zombie: There’s no other way to explain some of his film choices over the last decade. I suspect Cage’s infection took hold sometime during the Leaving Las Vegas shoot. Watch the Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans trailer for a tragic glimpse of a zombie virus in its final, convulsive stages.
Recent credits: Californication, X-Files: I Want to Believe
Why he might be a zombie: Most credit Duchovny’s aloof, cerebral persona to his Ivy League background, but I think he’s absorbed it from the brains of the intellectuals on which he dines. Deadpan? More like undeadpan.
Recent credits: Doubt, Charlie Wilson’s War, Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
Why he might be a zombie: Seems like every time Hoffman shows up at a red carpet or an awards show, he appears somewhat disoriented, with his clothes ruffled, ill-fitting and occasionally stained, as if he just rushed over from some all-you-can-eat zombie buffet.
Recent credits: The Expendables, Rocky Balboa, Rambo
Why he might be a zombie: Speaks in a succession of monosyllabic grunts analogous to the standard zombie vocal cadence. Was detained by Australian authorities in 2007 for allegedly possessing human growth hormone — could human flesh be far behind?
Recent credits: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch
Why he might be a zombie: Has spent much of his recent career sleepwalking through brain-dead romantic comedies. His slow Texas drawl could very well be the product of an infected frontal lobe.
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