S3:E26 Last night, about half an hour before the season finale of Jersey Shore, my mom called me. She asked me the usual questions, like how my day at work was, if I went to the gym, and what I was having for dinner. Since she also knows it’s part of my job to watch TV, she asked me if I was watching anything special. I rejoiced and told her that the season of Jersey Shore was on, and that I was especially looking forward to it because we were about to watch Ronnie explode after he learned that Sammi had hooked up with Arvin in the past. Of course this meant nothing to her, so she tried to ask me about why I find the show so appealing. “Will anyone get pregnant in this episode?” she said. I said no. “Will anyone die?” Again, I said no. “Will anyone get voted off?” No. “Then what’s the point?” Now, if this were any other episode from this season, I’d point to my mother and pose the question of what, in fact, is the point of this show? Because it’s a complete waste of time and implants the idea in our heads that one day, we’ll get famous for something stupid, like riding a tricycle through intersections with popcorn kernels covering our eyes. But since last night’s show was so amazing, I cannot make that argument. Instead, I must distance myself from the woman who birthed me via cesarean section and be saddened by how there’s no vaccination for people who love Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
“Sam, we made out.” – Arvin
The episode picked up right where it left off last week, which was when Mike called Arvin and then handed the phone to Ronnie, who was told that Sam and Arvin had made up a couple times. Ronnie handed the phone back to Mike and he went outside onto the porch and told Sammi that Arvin had ousted her, and so she went inside to talk to Arvin. As she was questioning him as to why he was making trouble for her and lying, Mike was walking in circles around the living room like he was watching his scorpion win in a fight against an ant. After the phone conversation ended, Sammi admitted to Ronnie that she hooked up with Arvin when she was 21, which was almost three years ago. Ronnie told her to either make the situation right or walk away from the relationship.
“I could do the worm pretty good. I just didn’t want my cooka to come out.” – Snooki
The next night, Danny (the landlord) threw a party for the entire cast to celebrate the end of the season. Everyone got to invite a few of their friends and family members, and it was a blessed event because we instantly recognized Jenni’s dad as Henry Winkler. Everything was going great: fat guys were doing the worm, Snooki was slapping at the piñata, and Deena’s friend was making the movies on Vinny. But Deena wasn’t too happy with the situation because she knew Snooki would be upset if Vinny hooked up with anyone, and Vinny was pissed because he thought Deena was blocking his cock from the dock. On the other side of the porch, Sammi told Ronnie that she didn’t like how much Mike was interjecting in their business, but Ronnie said he respected Mike’s courage for calling Arvin and that she was just pissed that she got caught in a lie.
“I just thought, like, she wasn’t Angelina.” – Vinny
Back at the house, the fight between Vinny and Deena over who was going to sleep with Deena’s friend, who reminded me of Camilla Parker Bowles because on her own, she’s not that important, but the quarreling around her makes her an important figure. Vinny even told Deena that he wished he knew she was going to act like Angelina when she got there. The whole house stopped consuming their 4 AM meatballs dipped in Fage yogurt and listened as Deena got in Vinny’s face and said she was never going to let something like Vinny hooking up with her best friend happen. Which it didn’t, but it was strange how Deena didn’t even consider that her friend was into the idea, too. Considering how skillfully Vinny established his dominance by extricating those two girls from the house last week, it was curious to see him just sit on the couch and listen to the sounds of Deena yelling at him for moving in on her friend and her cheek piercing knock up against the brim of his hat.
“Yo, Sam. I just want to apologize.” – Mike
The next morning, Mike went up to Sam and said he was sorry for causing such trouble for her. It quickly became apparent that Ronnie had asked Mike to make things right, and Sam was not particularly interested in letting things go so fast. She asked him what she ever did to him to make him hellbent on wrecking her relationship with Ronnie, and Mike said sometimes people just handle things the wrong way. Then Sammi had an aside with the camera where she reminded us, again, of all the things she doesn’t know — like who to trust, what to think, or what to do in the situation. It’s too bad cameras don’t need to be operated by people anymore because this chick would have had a lot of answers a long time ago. At Karma that night, Roger asked Jenni to be his girlfriend, and she said yes because she has great sex with the kid. Then she went around and told all the girls, who started asking when the wedding will be and how many bridesmaids Jenni will have. But they forgot that guys like Roger don’t have ceremonies. They go skydiving and then right to the tattoo parlor, so the veins in their foreheads can get inked and it looks like they have snakes on their faces.
“Whiskey dick is definitely the best sex.” – Snooki
At Karma, Snooki met up with Nick, the guy who explained to her that Italian names end in ‘O,’ and she took him back to the house. She made him grilled cheese and told him he was going to like it unless he was a bitch, and then took him to the smush room, only to meet his whiskey dick. But she wasn’t disappointed! In fact, she said she enjoys whiskey dicks! So she did that on her last night at the shore. Back at Karma, Sammi was flirting with her group of guys, and can you guess if this made Ronnie angry? I know, it’s harder than trying to match the beaver with the beaver in a game of Memory! Anyway, he was pretty pissed, and when Sammi tried to get Ronnie to come over and meet her guy friends, he told her they were each going to stay with their own friends and not mingle like the were at a fundraiser for a fucking congressman who’s rumored to enjoy cockfights. On the way home from the club, Sammi walked next to Ronnie and did that thing where she asks questions in her whispery voice (like she’s the statue in the Garden of Good and Evil) to try and get Ronnie to feel bad about how he treated her. Ronnie got so fed up with her that he speed-walked home and left her to fend for herself. Once home, Sammi and Ronnie fought in the bathroom with each other about who of the two of them was a bigger stubborn bitch. Can you guess who was? You’re right again? They couldn’t agree. Everyone else’s activities stopped so they could listen to Ronnie yell at Sammi while she was sitting on the toilet — Jenni and Roger even waited to consummate their relationship! And Snooki even pushed her whiskey dick to the side so she could listen without being interrupted!
“I feel like, I’m done with you, you’re done with me, this is the end of it.” – Ronnie
The next morning, Sammi pulled Ronnie out onto the porch and, essentially, apologized for everything that happened with them the night before. Sammi gave the same old excuse, that she’s not proud of what she does, and said Ronnie’s her best friend because he makes her happy and miserable at the same time. Ronnie sat there and licked his lips and tried to point out how Sammi never actually shows how she loves him — she says it, but she doesn’t show (going with him to the doctor for his bleeding asshole, notwithstanding). Sammi said she’s just not that “lovey-dovey” of a person, and that’s to account for why she hits him and tells him he’s the biggest regret of her life. She also expressed an interest in staying friends with Ronnie, because it would be uncomfortable for her if she completely lost him. Ronnie said he needed space, and Sammi barely cried.
The episode ended with everybody leaving the house, and Snooki announcing her intentions to run for President in 2012, with Deena alongside her as her Vice President. It won’t be too long before we see them in Italy though, which is sure to be a good time.
