10 Knife Lessons From Film

Freddy Krueger’s glove with knives for fingers may be iconic, but it’s hardly the only creative use of knives on film. (Why does Freddy have that glove, anyway? Obviously it’s to make him scarier, but does he use it to cut hedges as an alibi? Or just the clothes from children?) So if you’re in some kind of life-threatening scenario or, more likely, just bored and all you’ve got with you is a knife, why not take one of these cinematic life lessons to heart? Nothing bad ever happens to those who imitate movies, right?

Note: Don’t actually try any of these things. I’d rather not be sued because people don’t have a sense of humor.

Knife as Mirror

Ah, the oldest trick in the book. Are you cornered by killers? Need to take a peak under a door? Use that shiny blade as a mirror! The movies tell us they’re always reflective enough to reveal exactly what you want it to with very little need to keep moving it around to find the perfect angle. And as a bonus, if the thing you’re looking happens to be right next to the knife, you can always use it to stab them or, if they’re an alien, cut off their fingers as they reach for you under the door.

As seen in: Signs

Knife as Home Security

Home being invaded? Old chandelier just isn’t heavy enough to do any damage should it fall on someone? Why not rig a bunch of kitchen knives to it? Sure, it’s not the most reliable method of attack (it’s pretty easily foiled by just not walking under the chandelier), but should the circumstances align, not only does the victim get stabbed all over, but he’ll surely die with a very funny, “WTF, are you kidding me?” look on his face.

As seen in: The Collector

Knife as Hands

Sure, Freddy’s gloves has knives on the tips of his fingers, but some people have blades for actual hands. They are a tad more inconvenient to take off than a glove, but the plus side there is that they’re also considerably more functional if you happen to be the bizarre, sheltered experiment of a mad man in a mansion and never learn how to use boring old fingers.

As seen in: Edward Scissorhands, A Nightmare on Elm Street

Knife as Foreplay

We all know that the massive knife slashers use is meant to be a phallic symbol, which would inherently give its wielder a sense of sexual release whenever it thrusts, but one can also cut the sexual tension without actually creating a stab wound. Say, for example, you happen to be a secret hitman and your wife just so happens to be a secret hitwoman and the two of you just so happen to be hired to kill each other. When you’re having your slow, ever-closer tango on the dance floor of a classy restaurant, disarming the other person’s hidden knife is about as much sexual release you’re going to get.

As seen in: Mr. and Mrs. Smith


Knife as Family Bonding

If you’re feeling estranged from your father (who has, unbeknownst to you, but beknownst to us, recently had his face ripped off and transplanted onto the face of the drug kingpin he has been hunting for years, Castor Troy), why not let him give you a nice life lesson on how to maximize the efficiency of a knife by not only stabbing someone, but twisting it in the wound after to prevent healing? Or, if you happen to be a young, undercover superhero without superpowers, why not let your Big Daddy give you a fancy butterfly knife as a present? It’ll be something you two can always share.

As seen in: Face/Off

Knife as Tool of Embarrassment

Any punk can use a knife to intimidate someone else, but it takes a real man to tote around a knife so bag that merely presenting it not only intimidates the other person, but it makes them crap their pants and run away out of embarrassment. Oh, and it helps if you’re Australian. Just keep in mind that if you ever play Knifey-Spoony, you’re the one holding the actual knife, otherwise you’ll be the embarrassed one.

As seen in: Crocodile Dundee

 
Knife as Sex Toy

God damnit, I didn’t even want to bring up this custom dildonic device. Just thinking about it in use makes my skin crawl, but there really is no denying it’s a creative use of a knife. Let’s not dwell on this one…

As seen in: Se7en

Knife as Thumbtack

There’s never a thumbtack around when you need one, is there? It’s cool, if you need to menacingly pin a note to a kitchen counter, just grab a knife and stab it down angrily. It’ll show the intended recipient that you mean business. And if you really want to kick the ‘knife as thumbtack’ use to the next level (and your name is Jason Voorhees), in movieworld knives can also be used to pin grown adults to walls.

As seen in: Friday the 13th, Commando

Knife as Branding Device

Those damned Nazis. When the war is over they can always go home and take off that swastika-bearing uniform, but they definitely cannot take off their shame. Word on the street is that after a while you get pretttty good at it.

As seen in: Inglourious Basterds