When it comes to hosting the Oscars, Steve Martin really takes the cake. And no one cuts it–or the celebs–down to size quite like he does.
“Well,” he said, surveying the glammed up crowed, “I’m glad they cut back on all the glitz…. Guess you noticed there was no fancy red carpet tonight. That’ll send ’em a message.”
Then he told the audience he licked all the Oscars, that Mickey Rooney had a bad seat because Vin Diesel was there, and that “Nicole Kidman has worn a fake nose in every movie she’s ever made–except The Hours.” He called Julia Roberts “a close personal fantasy.”
He claimed to be “standing exactly 22 feet away from Halle Berry, in compliance with the court order,” and said that “tonight, Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep made Oscar history. It was backstage and it wasn’t pretty.”
With that kind of material, the host is bound to have the funniest quotes. The winners’ speeches are always fun, too–they’re just not always intelligible. We’ve included the ones we could make out at the bottom of this page, but we lead off our wrapup of bon mots from 75th Annual Academy Awards with some of Martin’s best:
“Jack Nicholson got in a hot tub with Kathy Bates. But, hey. Who hasn’t?”
“Miramax stopped at nothing to make sure Chicago was nominated. Now tell me if you think this is fair: they made a really good movie that everybody likes.”
“Right now, you should do what Tom Cruise does. At the end of each week, he takes a million dollars and he just puts it away, like it’s not even there, whether it’s been a good week or a bad week. And then at the end of the year, you’ve got a little cushion.”
“Oops! Sorry. I thought I saw a non-celebrity.”
“Roman Polanski is here. Get him!”
“What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats…or skinny.”
“There are no losers here tonight, but we’re about to change all that.”
“Next year, I’ll be starring in ‘The Sherwin Williams Story.'”
“It was so sweet backstage, you should see it. The teamsters are helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.”
“When I heard that Richard Gere was not nominated for his great performance in Chicago, I said to myself, ‘Welcome to my world, Richard Gere.'”
And From the Winners…
I’ve invited my fellow documentary nominees onstage with us. They’re here in solidarity with me, because we like non-fiction. We like non-fiction and we live in fictitious times. We live in a time when we have…fictitious election results…and a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons…we are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you. –Michael Moore
Every time an Oscar is given out, an agent gets his wings. –Kathy Bates
Winning the Oscar really improved my sex life. I’d sure like to win another one. –Shirley Jones, in a video montage
There comes a time in life when everything seems to make sense, and this is not one of those times. –Adrien Brody
If it weren’t for the insomnia and those…panic attacks, this has been an amazing journey. –Adrien Brody
Wait, wait, one second, please. I got one shot at this; cut it out. –Adrien Brody
My experience of making this film made me very, very aware of the … repercussions of war. Whatever you believe in–whether it’s God or Allah–may he watch over you, and let us play for a peaceful and swift resolution. I have a friend from Queens who’s a soldier in Kuwait right now…and I hope you make it back real soon. God bless you boys, I love you. –Adrien Brody
I’m proud to live in a country that guarantees every citizen, including artists, the right to sing and say what we believe. –Barbra Streisand
Russell Crowe said, “Don’t cry if you get up there,” and now I’m crying. Sorry! — Nicole Kidman
[People said], “Why do you come to the Academy Awards when the world is in such turmoil?” Because art is important and because you believe in what you do and you want to honor that, and it is a tradition that needs to be upheld. –Nicole Kidman
