S2:E17 “Dad, I woke up in jail. It was phenomenal. I mean a trainwreck.” – Snooki
Last night’s Jersey Shore began with the whole house going to get Snooki out of jail and then driving her back to the house in the Cadillac. It reminded me of Nancy Reagan for some reason. When she got back (still wearing the dress she went out in two nights ago and looking so much like a Whitney Houston mess that I’m sure US Magazine is compiling a photo gallery as we speak), Snooki called her dad and started to explain how awesome jail was. But then caught herself because it really wasn’t that awesome and it was, in fact, totally awful. Snooki’s dad said he was disappointed in her as opposed to being mad because even though she’s in her twenties and was arrested for being so drunk that she didn’t think twice about telling an officer to “fuck off” before she got sand all up in his patrol car, it’ll be such a fun memory that it’ll probably help her over a break-up one day.
“It’s kind of a disease to Snook for love. It’s worse than a staph infection.” – Snooki
After she was let out of jail, Snooki stopped drinking. I mean, she went out the day after she got out of jail and drank because even pregnant women drink pino and if she didn’t, then the terrorists would win and get the idea that they could go back to putting bombs in their underpants again…but she didn’t drink to the point where when she’d have to pee, she’d pee in a ficus. So she drank significantly less. But then the night after that, while straightening her hair on her bed, she admitted to Jenni that she thought she had to drink because it was the only way she could have fun. Obviously that’s a problem, because HELLO, PINBALL MACHINES ARE GOOD, CLEAN FUN! Anyway, so Snooki was really depressed because of the following: her drinking problem, and her lack of a guido gorilla juicehead. It seemed to her that no matter how hard she tried to find a guy, she would always just end up dancing on the boardwalk by herself with a hot dog hanging out of her ass.
“We got to hang out with Ronnie while he’s with Sam!” – Vinny
One of the nights that Snooki stayed home, Deena, Pauly D, Vinny and The Situation went to Karma, or one of those other clubs with the existential names. The guys were surprised with how well Deena stayed out of their way and even sometimes, introduced them to girls who she thought they’d like. Deena didn’t go hungry that night either, as she met a guy named Dean who MVP couldn’t help but continually point out how much he looked like Ronnie. Deena brought him back to the house but before she took him into the hot tub, Vinny and Pauly marched him right up to Sammi and Ronnie’s room and thought it might be fun to put Dean in bed with Sammi and see if she would be able to tell the difference between Dean and her boyfriend. The plan, however, was interrupted with Ronnie rolled over in his bed, recognized Dean from somewhere and greeted him with one of those low high fives that really should’ve never left the era of Guys N’ Dolls. Laughing hysterically, Pauly and Vinny took Dean back downstairs and were totally happy because it was like they were finally getting to spend time with Ronnie again without Sammi picking her eyebrows with boredom in the background waiting for them to finish.
“My hard drive used to be here.” – Jenni
Throughout the past few episodes, Jenni has been having major issues with her boyfriend back in Long Island, Tom. She hasn’t been calling him when she gets home from the clubs, and this drives Tom crazy. Additionally, Jenni’s been hanging out with one particular guy friend of hers named Robert, I think. But don’t let the name fool you – even though he describes himself as “hating Christmas, kids, and being total husband material,” he’s covered in tats and silicone manplants. You can only tell him apart from a narcissistic plastic surgeon if you ask him to direct you to the bathroom. Anyway, Jenni and Robert have been hanging out at the clubs a lot and this made Jenni realize how unhappy she was with Tom so the next time he called her, she told him she wanted space to find her independence again. Once they’d officially broken up, Jenni decided to go back to her house and make sure Tom didn’t take anything when he’d moved out. She took Snooki with her (who was obviously perfect for the role of roadside companion from the way she was PASSED THE FUCK OUT in the passenger’s seat) and was shocked to find that Tom cleaned out her Paypal account (does she sell skeleton candles on ebay? I hear that’s Jay Leno’s private hobby that allows him to continue with his perpetually denim wardrobe), removed her hard drive from it’s drawer, taken her bed, and left her dogs in the house all by themselves to perish. The episode ended with her crying about something relatively insignificant compared to the battle she’s having with him now.
