6:45PM: I have the Super Bowl on TV, with the sound on mute, while I watch Netflix and keep an eye out for signs that Katy is coming. Before she’s even made an appearance, I’ve had tons of questions in anticipation. For instance, will there be whipped cream?
GIPHY/musicvideogifs.tumblr.com
Will we see anyone’s “Peacock” (besides the NBC logo)? Will Beyoncé come out? (To be fair, we ask that last question every time we watch a live event).
7:46PM: The second quarter seems to be winding down (with the Patriots taking a time-out with like 40 seconds left, which in football time means another three hours, right?). Whatever, sports.
7:49PM: There are still sports-related things going on, not really sure why.
7:51PM: I think there was a touchdown or something, and now the team that Tom Brady isn’t on is taking a time-out. Hopefully Katy Perry will come on tonight?
7:57PM: There seem to be endless time-outs and I’ve now accidentally watched over 10 minutes of football.
8:00PM: THE ANNOUNCER JUST SAID “HALF-TIME,” SO LET’S SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES UNTIL THE GOOD PART OF THE SHOW COMES ON!
8:05PM: Now, people are talking about football.
8:10PM: They said Katy Perry is up next!
8:11PM: Alien abductions are taking everyone’s Pepsi and blue wigs. Must be “E.T.” Right? Is it?!
8:11PM: NOPE! “Roar!” And balloons! And a giant tiger! Where can we get some of these balloons? They’re amazing.
8:12PM: Girl’s entrance is rivaling Madonna’s. But is she wearing a Hot Wheels car? Definitely a Hot Wheels car.
Getty Images/Kevin Mazur/Hot Wheels
8:13PM: A very cool chess board just appeared for “Dark Horse,” with tons of shiny chess piece dancers. (You don’t suppose…this is going to be like real wizard’s chess, do you?)
8:13PM: I literally can’t tell what the ground is and who is on it because things keep happening, but I love it.
8:14PM: LENNY KRAVITZ! LENNY KRAVITZ! OMG LENNY KRAVITZ KISSED A GIRL AND HE LIKED IT! Gah, Lenny Kravitz is such an eternal hottie.
8:15PM: Katy just dropped it low on some Kravitz crotch and we’re super jealous but also, like, does anyone remember Miley/Robin Thicke?
GIPHY/juniorfuckinleon.tumblr.com
8:15PM: Katy Perry’s voice has actually never sounded better live. Hashtag-killin’ it.
8:15PM: Giant Beach balls, sharks, and surf boards (#SERFBORT) are dancing around.
8:16PM: Katy Perry just came out with beach ball bra on singing “Teenage Dream” (I think?). Love it when her bras are shaped like things.
8:16PM: These sharks can dance!
8:17PM: “California Gurls” – she’s making the crowd sing, which is lazy if you ask me (kidding). I was already singing along anyway…
8:17PM: She just groped a palm tree. Jealous.
8:18PM: MISSY ELLIOTT?! MISSY WAIT WHAT MISSY ELLIOTT JUST CAME OUT!!!
8:19PM: IT’S MISSY ELLIOTT! I CAN’T BREATHE, “GET UR FREAK ON”
8:19PM: MISSY HAS SOOOO MUCH WEAVE; IT’S AMAZING. AND NOW “WORK IT.” Katy’s kitty claws for “If you a fly girl, get your nails done” just gave. me. life.
8:20PM: “LOSE CONTROL,” BUT I ALREADY LOST CONTROL! AND I DON’T KNOW IF I’M MORE INTO THE LIGHTS AND THE DANCING OR MISSY’S BLINGED OUT MICROPHONE OR ALL OF IT.
8:21PM: Missy looks flawless, like better than she’s ever looked.
8:21PM: Katy just asked if we’ve ever felt like a plastic bag, and like, no I haven’t, but I’ll listen. I think this song is “Firework”
8:22PM: Katy Perry just took off hovering above the field from a shooting star and now fireworks are going everywhere, the shooting star is also sparking while she shoots across the sky-y-y-y
(Which looks a little familiar…doesn’t it, NBC?)
8:22PM: Btw, the balloons from before are back, and I still want my own personal ones (if anyone can help with that).
8:22PM: Soooo many fireworks, holy cow!
8:23PM: It seems she’s been singing into a bedazzled Wii controller this whole time. Don’t you just hate it when your game of Wii bowling is interrupted because you have to go sing at the Super Bowl?
8:24PM: It’s all over. Straight up crushed it. It had fireworks, sharks, Lenny Kravitz, and the greatest surprise guest ever in the history of surprises and guests, because where has Missy Elliott been? Does this mean she’s putting out a new album?
8:26PM: Why is this old man talking about football instead of potential Missy Elliott albums and how beautifully Katy Perry just performed? The Super Bowl needs to re-prioritize.
8:27PM: Okay, the old man just at least said “Katy Perry may have blown us away.” He’s forgiven. Even though that’s an understatement.
9AM: This GIF exists, all is right with the world.