Last night it was all about bulges. Yes, Survivor is a family show that even blurs out the top of the butt crack when a contestant’s drawers are saggy, but last night we were focused on everyone’s crotches.
First, there was returning player Philip who was walking around, once again, in his droopy pink pantaloons. How can you not help look at the mooseknuckle he is showing off to the whole world? I can only fixate on his midsection so while he’s scurrying around camp. It’s like the continental breakfast at a bad hotel: all muffin tops, nuts you don’t want to touch, and, ew, is that yogurt? Then Philip started talking about his little Stealth Corp International LLC and I just want to punch him in, well, in the nuts! This is the least stealthy organization in the whole world and giving everyone cheesy nicknames would have been annoying as 11-year-olds on the playground. When it’s coming from a grown man in magenta American Apparel briefs it’s even worse. And, I’m sorry, Philip may be great television, but he is no one’s “favorite,” except for Jeff Probst, because he loves yahoos like this clown.
The next bulge we need to discuss is Malcolm’s because, well, he is a gift sent down from the gods for everyone who enjoys reality television programs and the mostly-naked male form (which is, essentially, Bravo’s target demographic). I don’ t know how my friend Andy at Reality Blurred got a hold of a clip of Malcolm’s bulge in its natural state flopping around in his sloppy boxers, but he did. He was also good enough to share it with the whole wide world. Now these are the snaps of beautiful wild life I like to see, not some creepy Monchhichi devouring a bug or looking at us with scary saucer eyes.
Now finally we must talk about the bulge in Reynold’s pants. It was so huge. He had something in his pants that everyone noticed that he thought would change the game. Oh, but we didn’t get to that until after the challenge for that.
OK, so the challenge was that three people had to get on a raft and three people would haul them out to a platform. They would then dive in the water and pull long pieces of wood out of a cage (seriously, the private part puns really need to stop this week) and release a bunch of rings. They had to take their rings back to the shore where three other people would throw three rings onto three posts and that team would win immunity and some fishing gear. Challenge, challenge, challenge; boring, boring, boring; and the “Favorites” win.
See, here is the problem with Fans vs. “Favorites”: the “Favorites” already know the basics of the game. They know that when it comes to the endurance part of a challenge it’s best to let everyone take turns, like how each person dove in, got out a ring, and then let another team member take a shot. One of the Fans (at this point I can’t distinguish between any of the girls) tried to do all the work and was way too slow. Then, when it comes to the finesse part of the challenge, like throwing the rings, let one person do it. Once he (or she) gets a feel for it, it’s easy to take it all the way home. That is how the “Favorites” won.
The other thing that the Fans need to learn, well, at least four of them do, is that the “cool kid clique” alliance never works. Yes, I’m talking to Reynold, Eddie the Firefighter, Blond #1, and Blond #2. They think that life is high school and that if they can all get together and be pretty and boring together, they can run the game. Thats’ how it works in life, the gifted band together and take over everything from board rooms to the company cafeteria. But Survivor is not life. Here all that matters is numbers and when there is a four/six divide of course the six are going to get together and pick off the four, especially if the six are all misfits looking to get their long-fought-for revenge on the pretty people, and especially if they publicly claime to be a voting bloc. A solid four must be broken up. Period.
But the “Favorites” weren’t all sunshine and unicorns either. They are so complacent that no one has looked for the hidden immunity idol yet. Say what? Usually it’s a returning player who hits the beach and sniffs it out immediately. This season the first to the idol is Reynolds, the heir to the Wrap fortune. He starts digging around for it and finds it in a tree. It’s always in a tree. Or under a tree. Or near some roots. Instead of just hiding it someplace else like every sane person does (they always hide it under a rock), he puts it in his tight pants so that Laura (or maybe Hope? Why do all these boring blonde girls look exactly the same?) see it when he struts his stuff back in camp.
Now the six uglies already decided to vote off Allie (or Aly or Ally or Al E. or however you want to spell it) and though there was some talk from Beard and The Gay about joining the pretty people to vote off Shamar, they decided to stick with the misfits and get rid of one of the pretty people. So Allie is toast.
When talking at Tribal first we all learn that no one knows what their role is and The Gay wants to know who is a pitcher and who is a catcher because, well, without someone telling him on Grindr, he really has no idea. Then the Blonde brings up the bulge while looking right at Reynold and Jeff Probst says “Reynold has it, everyone. He has the Idol!” He admits it (like an idiot) and then says he found it and he’s going to use it tonight because its too dangerous. What a liar! We all knew that it was a lie. First of all he’s too arrogant to actually thing he’s in danger. He’s also too smart to waste it when he thinks he’s not going home. But that was a big mistake. Now everyone knows that’s he’s a liar and a threat when they just mildly suspected it earlier.
So, yeah, he puts the bulge back in his pocket and Allie, one of the pretty people, goes home. She didn’t make much of an impression anyway. Maybe she just needed an idol in her pocket, or to be happy to see us.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo credit: Monty Brinton/CBS]