Light Mode

Rambo’s Top 10 Movie Pics

[IMG:L]Dear Hollywood.com People,

With my new flick, Rambo, soon coming out, I’m all lonely here back at home in the rainforests of Thailand. Thank the good God, I was able to threaten a pitiful, local nerd into creating a computer out of palm leaves and Indonesian rambutan fruit, so I could give you all my thoughts on what I think makes the perfect action movie. If my Internet doesn’t hold up, I will shoot it with a dozen rounds to hopefully get it back up and running. If that don’t work, then I apologize–it’s tough out here, what else can I do?

Before I get to the Top 10, let me quickly ramble off a few honorable mentions that weren’t able to make the list due to what they tell me is a conflict of interest: First Blood, Rambo: First Blood Part II, and Rambo III. These movies were awesome and I am confident that this year’s Rambo will bring an equal or higher amount of killer action. Also, I’m not sure if they are even considered action movies, but I enjoy Rocky 1–6 and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot a whole lot. Something about that lead actor gets me every time.

- Advertisement -

Now here are my Top 10 action movies:

10. Armageddon 
My old army nickname: This movie’s plot was pretty damn unbelievable, and that’s coming from a guy who once jumped off a cliff and came out with just a couple scratches. I don’t know much about NASA, but something tells me that they would have a problem sending a bunch of goof-offs to outer space with nothing more than a brief training session. Still, this has all the components to a classic action movie–a tough challenge and a hard-assed know-it-all at the front of the surge.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give Armageddon 7.3 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:R]9. Death Proof
My old junior high nickname:
This one was almost too “cool” for this old-fashioned warrior, and it was definitely too heavy on the talkin’, but not even I can deny that Quentin Tarantino’s half of last year’s Grindhouse was a whole new breed of action. The stylized car chases and the way, like in his other quality flick Kill Bill, that he turned the female cast members into cold-blooded bad-asses were things I loved but wasn’t accustomed to.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give Death Proof 7.6 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:L]8. The Bourne Ultimatum
Weak hero, strong movie: I think this trilogy got better with each new part. The guy Damon’s kind of a pretty boy and all, but I know skill when I see it and he delivers the goods.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give The Bourne Ultimatum 8.0 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:R]7. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
This king returns on the 25th: Some people may think it’s a little fancypants for me to dig a fantasy/action movie, but this one, though it’s a little too long (I have a busy killing schedule), made me feel like I was a young Rambo again.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give The Return of the King 8.1 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:L]6. The Matrix
I’m a killer in reality and alternate reality: The first six times I watched this movie, I have to admit that I didn’t get it at all. The pill, the alternate reality, the rebellion–it all kind of flew over my head. But I know a good fight when I see one and some of those scenes blew my mind. It was also great how they got time to slow down while fighting to avoid bullets. I’m still trying to master that trick.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give The Matrix 8.4 blood-soaked bandanas.

- Advertisement -

5. Speed
Bomb only on a bus? Mere child’s play: This one’s kind of straightforward, compared to some of the other picks. There’s a bomb on a bus and the hero’s gotta save the bus and the innocent people on it. Speed is a 90’s classic. Speed 2 on the other hand? Let’s just say I’d rather surrender to a troop of Vietnamese rebels than have to watch that one again.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give Speed 8.8 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:R]4. Raiders of the Lost Ark
Gonna take more than a whip to take me down: Bad guys don’t come anywhere near as evil as the Nazis and in this movie, Indiana Jones takes them all to school. This classic made me feel for the first time that fighting and killing in the jungle was something I definitely wanted to do with my life. I heard there’s a new one on the way this year too. See my movie first, and then see it a couple more times, but feel free to check that out afterwards.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give Raiders 9.1 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:L]3. Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope 
I wonder how zero gravity affects machine guns?: Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those guys who dress up and travel halfway across the world to go to no conventions. But that don’t mean that I can’t enjoy watching Luke, R2D2, and all the rest of those clowns. I was only 29 when this came out in theaters and it was a good escape for me at the time. You see, I was furious with the world at the time, so I took a break for an hour or two to watch Star Wars, and then went back to planning my vengeance right after.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give Star Wars 9.5 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:R]2. Die Hard
Dying, no matter how hard, is a wussy move:
People ask me all the time if there was one guy I wouldn’t want to face in combat who would it be? My answer is always the same—it doesn’t matter who you put in front of me, I’ll kill anybody. But John McClane is definitely one of the guys that may be able to take me to one full round instead of just half a round. He’s just a regular guy, but when faced with a challenge, he always rises to the occasion. I respect that.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give Die Hard 9.7 blood-soaked bandanas.

[IMG:L]1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day 
Just try and judge me: Here we are at number one and it’s Terminator 2, starring who I hear is now a politician in the States. It’s been a long time since I’ve been back home to the U.S., but damn, sounds like things have gotten nutty. Anyway, this movie really stepped up the game when it came to the production of action movies. Arnold’s still no match for John Rambo, not even for Rambo’s grandma, but it’s nice to see that there’s some worthy competition out there. Great movie.
On a scale of 1 to 10: I give T2 9.9 blood-soaked bandanas.

There’s only one movie that can get 10 blood-soaked bandanas, and you’ll know all about it very soon.

- Advertisement -

Chok dee,
John Rambo

- Advertisement -