Everyone on board the Poseidon (The Poseidon Adventure & Poseidon)
No matter what your NYE plans are, they will not end as disastrously as these people’s. They board a luxury ocean liner heading across the Atlantic Ocean that encounters a rogue wave, capsizing the ship. Water floods through the windows, and most of the ship’s passengers die in the fabulous ballroom where they were partying just moments ago. We bet that $500 open bar is looking pretty good right about now.
Michelle Tanner (Full House)
Queen of Speaking Truths, Michelle Tanner is understandably frustrated as she tries to grasp the appeal of this blasted holiday. Stay up way past your bedtime just to feel alone and make out with your dog? Whhhhyyyy?????
Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones’s Diary)
Bridget may not be having a worse holiday than you are, but she’s at least having one that’s just as bad. Her booze-soaked Celine-Dion-singing evening is exactly how we envision our New Year’s Eve going down (don’t judge!), and for that, we love her. Plus, when your resolution involves losing 20 pounds (obviously), properly discarding last night’s panties, and avoiding romantic attachments to alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts…you’re an ideal NYE BFF.
This sledge hammer (Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest)
Though not technically a person, we still would not trade places with this construction tool under any circumstances imaginable. Only Jenny McCarthy could make us envy the unfortunate sledge hammer Miley licked.
“Little” Bill Thompson (Boogie Nights)
William H. Macy’s character in Paul Thomas Anderson’s Golden Age of Porn drama is often embarrassed by his porn star wife engaging in public sexual acts with other men, usually asking him to just let her do her thing. At a NYE party marking the year 1980, Bill walks in on his wife and her lover, calmly procures a gun, and then shoots both of them before turning the gun on himself. While we may have wanted to “shoot ourselves” from the stress of the night, we think he’s having a much worse night than most of us.
Chandler Bing (Friends)
Your favorite sarcastic Friend, Chandler, is openly desperate where most of us just silently suffer. As midnight rolls around, he so pines for affection and validation that he jumps up and down demanding some action. NYE lesson to be learned: be careful what you wish for.
Ted (Four Rooms)
Tim Roth plays a hotel bellhop on his first night of work as he navigates through four different stories, directed by Allison Anders, Alexandre Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez, and Quentin Tarantino. He deals with witches who need his semen (Anders’ segment), reluctantly becomes a part of a married couple’s hostage fantasy (Rockwell’s), is stabbed with a syringe by children he’s forced to babysit who set the room on fire before discovering a dead prostitute in the bed (Rodriguez’s), and is finally paid to chop off a man’s finger (Tarantino’s). Needless to say, your night is looking a bit better.
Miranda Hobbes and Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City: The Movie)
These usually fabulous ladies had a bummer of a New Year’s Eve. After learning that Steve cheated on Miranda and a disaster of a wedding attempt by Carrie and Big, the ladies opted for a depressing night in, each alone (though Miranda was with one of our best friends, Chinese food, while Carrie as with our other bestie, bed). Their nights may start out depressing, but they helped us realize that you’re never alone as long as you have a best friend and a fiiiieeerce pajama/mink outfit combo.
Monica (200 Cigarettes)
Monica is determined to throw an amazing party, but when nobody shows up at first, she becomes upset and a bit desperate. She does the only logical thing a person can do in that scenario: she gets so drunk that she passes out. Everyone ends up coming to her party, including Elvis Costello. She wakes up with a bunch of strangers on her floor and is thrilled, but her night positively sucked, if we do say so ourselves.
The entire cast of New Year’s Eve
No matter what happens on New Year’s, at least you didn’t star in this awful movie. Just be thankful for that.
