Our favorite fright fest, American Horror Story, has more twists and turns than a game of cat’s cradle in a wind storm. But it’s still made of slightly predictable tropes, some cribbed from traditional genre fare and some all of it’s own. Here’s an accounting of what happened in last night’s episode based on the scariest thing of all: math. The spoiler-phobic should beware.
Dead Bodies: 3 (Dr. Thredson, Wendy, Sister Jude)
Times a Person Was Spanked/Slapped/Hit: 1 (Kit put in a headlock)
Questions We Have about Grace’s Baby: So many we don’t even know where to start.
Middle Fingers: 1 (Lana’s)
Ounces of Milk Served: 8
Awkward Sex Talk: 2 (“Wait until these double D’s come out to play.” “I got a rocking body and a titty full of milk.”)
Inappropriate Things Judy Says at a Grave Site: 3
Fierce Outfits Lana Wears: 3 (Her escape head scarf, The one to kill Thredson, the sunglasses at the mausoleum)
Babies: 3 (there are three!)
Cigarettes Smoked: 4
Hits Dylan McDermott Takes Off a Bowl: 2
Loaves of Bread Kneaded: 2
Sister Jude’s Freakouts: 2 (“pills turn your brains to mush”, the “magic carpet ride to Rome”)
Pepper Freak Outs: 2
Aliens: 3 (the baby, Pepper, whatever impregnated Grace)
Consecutive Weeks with an Escape Attempt: 10
Successful Escape Attempts: 2 (Bad Santa, Lana)
Sex Acts: 2 (Dylan McDermott nursing, Dr. Threadson fucking Wendy)
Flashbacks/Backstories: 28 (Grace’s abduction, burying Wendy, the 20 Lana has when she almost has an abortion, Jude hanging)
Butts: 1 (Grace)
Adam Levine Sightings: 0
Consecutive Weeks Without the Modern Story: 0
Unsanitary Medical Procedures: .5 (Grace’s aborted abortion)
Bad Boston Accents: 5 (Kit’s, the orderly who releases Kit, the cops Lana tells about the people at Briarcliff, the nurse with Lana’s crying baby)
Accents Lost: 1 (Grace’s)
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: FX]
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‘American Horror Story’ By the Numbers: Bad Santa
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