I have a confession to make: before Sunday night, I had never seen an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. So when I was tasked with reviewing the Thanksgiving special that aired last night, I had no idea what I was in for.
Now, I’m well versed in pop culture, so I knew the Boo Boo family was a group like no other, a group many have likened to the end of civilization as we know it. But I had never witnessed the spectacle of it all for myself. What transpired for one hour last night had me in shocked silence, one hand firmly clamped over my mouth for the entire duration of the episode. Eyes wide, I could only watch in fascination at the hijinks unfolding on the screen as one would take in the sight of a car crash. I could not look away, and I could not figure out for the life of me why I was so enthralled with this bunch of loud, messy, ill-mannered, yet close-knit and loving people. And after hours of contemplation and deep thought, I still have no idea how this family has captivated the nation enough to warrant an hour-long reality show. So instead of reviewing the episode as I normally would after watching a TV show, I decided to compile the history and traditions of Thanksgiving, as told by the Honey Boo Boo clan.
Because I honestly still have no idea how I feel about this show. At all. And so, without further ado, I present to you: The History and Traditions of Thanksgiving, As Told by the Honey Boo Boo Clan.
The Most Important Fact About the First Thanksgiving
Mama: What do you know about the first Thanksgiving?
Honey Boo Boo: Turkeys.
Thanksgiving Defined in One Sentence
Honey Boo Boo: The Indians lost everything and just got a crappy meal. And casinos.
How the Pilgrims Arrived in America
Mama: What was the ship named that the Indians and the Pilgrims…
Honey Boo Boo: The Mayship. The Flowership.
Mama: No, the Mayflower ship.
The Location of the First Thanksgiving
Mama: What was the Indians first place where they ate the first Thanksgiving dinner?
Honey Boo Boo: Piedmont Region! Was it… Kribbit’s Rot? Plymouth… Rock.
Mama: Yeah, that’s right.
Jessica: I think Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1942. Ain’t that Thanksgiving?
Mama: Jessica, did you just say 1942? That’s like Pearl Harbor.
Jessica: It’s 1842, right?
Mama: Pilgrims are… people that came over on Plymouth Rock. I don’t know.
The Pilgrims Were Amish
Anna: Pilgrims are Amish people!
Mama: No they’re not.
Anna: Yes they are!
Mama: How do you know that?
Anna: ‘Cuz they’re dressed alike.
Christopher Columbus and Pochahontas
Anna: When Christopher Columbus sailed to the new world in 1930-something, that’s where he met Pochahontas, and then all the Pilgrims…
Jessica: Pochahontas is an Indian!
Mama’s Thanksgiving Dinner
The main course is a Multi Meal: you just take whatever you can find in your cabinets and throw it in a bowl. Mix with your hands – they’re your best utensils! “You don’t have to bother with putting the sides on plates, it all just goes into the bowl,” Mama said. “You corporate the meat, the sides and the sauces: it’s a multi meal! And Thanksgiving is the mega multi meal.”
Anatomy of a Turkey
Turkeys have two heads and four eyes.
The Best Thanksgiving Dish
Honey Boo Boo: Cranberry jelly is just the most perfect food. The food of the gods.
How to Make a Quick Ten Bucks
Eating raw collard greens wrapped in hog jowl until you puke is totally worth 10 bucks.
The Secret Ingredient
Butter makes everything better, so use tubs upon tubs of it. And snot is the special, secret ingredient in the turkey.
Math
1+1+1=4
[Photo Credit: TLC]
Follow Sydney on Twitter @SydneyBucksbaum
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