S2:E9: The villainy, dirtiness, and general whorishness of Angelina continued to be the dominant theme on Jersey Shore last night, as the inimitable “Kim Kardashian of Staten Island” fought valiantly to discredit the unfair stud/slut double standard with her utter shamelessness about hooking up with Vinny last episode whilst dating Jose. It didn’t fly with the housemates. “Everybody knows there is a double standard,” admitted The Situation. “Everybody loves a guy that gets girls. He’s the man. He’s the pimp. And everybody doesn’t like a girl that is a ho. And that is Angelina.” Snooki had a few choice words of her own. “She’s a loosey-goose,” she whined, alluding once again to Vinny’s now mythical size. “Whore! Just saying.”
Still, Angelina managed to hold on to her “friendship” with Sam for just a little while longer (at least until she forgets about that awkward ‘note incident’ and reconciles with JWOWW and Snooks), going on the least appealing double date of all time with Jose and SamRon. Meanwhile, Vinny was back home, still moping about getting stood up by a “dancer” (stripper) he drunkenly met at a club.
When the double daters got home, Ronnie – class act that he is – decided to buy Vinny’s sad, unused flowers, thus managing to humiliate Vinny, make Sammy even more annoying (“These are NOT for me. You didn’t pick these out yourself.”), and perpetuate the World’s Most Tedious Romance all at the same time. As he grabs the flowers off the Smush Bed, he muses that “God only knows what’s on these, they’ve been on the bed for three hours. You’ve got my children on there, Mike’s children… you’ve got Snooki juice.” Ew. This is almost as bad as Snooki describing how she hurt her “coo-ca” running into a house. “I thought I broke my vagina bone!”, she exclaims, foreshadowing even more terrible vaginal imagery to come.
Angelina heads off to bed with Jose, casually rejecting his advances with “I’m tired, wait a minute” instead of the more truthful “I’m on the rag” excuse, leaving poor Jose couched interminably in the ready-to-smoosh big spoon position as she daintily drifts off to sleep. Jose is such a chump.
The next day, JWOWW’s boyfriend Tom – you know, that guy she drunk dials when she needs to whine – appeared in the flesh! He is more than just a disembodied voice on the duck phone. He is a man. And as a man, he has certain rules for his long-distance girlfriend, like ‘don’t take down that one guy’s phone number.’ So naturally, the first thing Tom does when he shows up in Miami is check her phone. And of course, JWOWW has got this guy’s number, because this is ‘Jersey Shore’ and collecting numbers is what these people do. And so Tom made a big show of storming off in a huff, an act he maintained for some ten minutes before allowing Jenni’s charm (read: tits) to win him over. She placed her finger gently in his nose, he put his finger in hers, and the guido ritual of forgiveness was complete.
Meanwhile, Pauly D was having a romantic escapade of his own with Rocio, his cute 20-year-old “Cuban” chick, who dropped by the gelato shop to say ‘hi.’ Pauly deems Rocio “cool” and definitely “not a ho,” though he worries that continuing to interact with her will turn her into a “stalker,” a transformation that seems to plague Pauly whenever he spends time with girls. Seriously, what is it with these chicks who want to talk to Pauly again after sleeping with him? He is just too charming.
Later, the housemates get down to doing what they do best, putting on their finest Ed Hardy t-shirts and getting shit-faced at some Miami club. This is where the action’s at! While Snooki has to put up with an endless stream of non-steroid-enhanced men (yawn), The Situation strikes gold with a Canadian model who is DTF, in the parlance of our day. When he feels the mood is oh-so right, Sitch tries to take his girl into the bathroom, but gets busted by security. In the ensuing chaos, his girl disappears into the night.
However, as luck will have it, Mike’s Canuck model finds his house and leaves a note with her name (Samantha) and number. This inexplicably causes The Situation to begin diligently cleaning the house in anticipation of her arrival, even though he was preparing to do the deed in a club bathroom just a few hours earlier. This is when he discovers (brace yourself) Angelina’s used, dirty tampon on the ground. This is, objectively speaking, disgusting. Naturally, The Sitch ups the ante by picking up the tampon (this just gets worse and worse) and leaving it under Angelina’s pillow. Cue the fighting: “You are the dirtiest girl I’ve ever met!” yells The Situation. “You dirty little hamster.” Angelina’s eyes go wide. “You look like Popeye on crack!” she shoots back. This is actually an apt comparison.
As Angelina’s meaty fists sank clumsily into the side of The Situation’s lumpy face, a second ‘Mike’, a random ‘cutie’ Angelina picked up at the beach, watched on in horror, his dead eyes staring blankly like some scared animal, as two grown adults bitch-slapped each other in front of the camera crew in the living room. “I’ve made a huge mistake,” he must have thought. If I had been in that room, I would be seriously reevaluating my life too.