Before we get to the biggest issue of the evening, let’s get the housekeeping work out of the way: the boys are going to Bermuda! And someone even gave them scooters! I feel bad for the Production Assistant who had to tail these goons around the island on their little joyride. Good lord, someone save Bermuda.
In any event, Emily Maynard and daughter Ricki have made it to the island, and Emily is all atwitter about her future plans (BABIES!) to travel back to the island with her future family in tow. How sweet or whatever.
Let’s move on to the dates. The one-on-one goes to Doug, even though Alejandro was jonesing for it—being that he is one of the remaining specimens to not have had a one-on-one yet. This is probably because Alejandro looks like he’s Benjamin Button-ing, hardcore. I mean dude looks like he went from 24 to 12 in two weeks! Of course she hasn’t taken him on a one-on-one, he’ll be Ricki’s age by Thursday! Shenanigans.
For the one-on-one, Doug and Emily keep it simple, perusing the local wares, eating and talking about being parents because that is, shockingly enough, the one subject that Emily seems to never tire of. Ever. BABIES!
Doug opens up about his life, and even about an earlier scuffle he had with some of the dudes in the house. But, it’s okay, you know, because he started a charity. And of course he started a charity, because Doug is positioning himself to be this year’s Misunderstood Perfect Guy, which nobody believes because this isn’t a dating show for cyborgs, it is for humans. And Perfect Human is an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp. I think things are going to get pretty ugly for our friend Doug. (See what I did there?!)
Doug is that overeager college senior who wants to be one of those few people that has a job BEFORE graduation (Who are those people? How do they work?), and very pointedly memorizes a series of “weaknesses” that any employer would look at as a great reason to exploit you for little-to-no pay. His answers for his flaws? “Oh, I spend too much time with my son!” “I didn’t wash my ex-girlfriend’s car enough!” WHAT A MONSTER!
We all know those are not actually real flaws or problems, just something that you do with a shoulder shrug and a lopsided smile to actually flaunt just how fantastic you think you are — accidentally on purpose! (I love oxymorons.) Was Doug’s third-person narrative during his interview also accidental? Alicia does not care for Doug’s bulls**t right now.
It is also 1,000,000 percent worth mentioning that when at a wishing well on their date, Emily wished to not be single forever. Because nothing turns a dude on more than Eau De Desperation. So hot.
Next: A pile of dudes on a boat.Group date! On a boat! Our merry band of messpiles clearly do not have their sea legs, as evidenced by the abundance of clamoring around happening on these boats they have no idea how to operate. They are barely in the water about 87 percent of the time. It is a miracle that they aren’t capsizing every 13 seconds. It is terrifying. But! The winning team gets more time with Emily, and the losers must go home, so it’s on, of course. Dudes just get so angry whenever they’re losing something, don’t they? So salty. Yellow team ends up winning and the red team pouts like teeny tiny man babies.
During the group date evening portion, Ryan makes a toast to his trophy wife — meaning Emily. Cute, bro. Also it’s about this point where I notice that Ryan’s neck is like, maybe borderline freakishly thick, you guys. I mean, it’s just a thing I noticed, so, you know, whatever.
And I guess that means it’s time to talk about Ryan. Man, Ryan is totally doing Kalon a solid right now by taking on the d-bag title for this season, huh? I mean, I think we all called it after that “get thee to a gym, fatty!” mentality he exposed with Emily’s girlfriends at the park. But, I mean, he just really dug deep, deep, deep into the whole of misogynistic, sexist, pretentious motherload tonight to remind us that dudes like Ryan are the epitome of terrible. He pushes her — which is Emily speak for, hey man, you’re kinda being a d**k right now and I don’t know where it’s coming from. Later in the evening, Ryan expresses that he has some concerns. Emily has a great responsibility, you know, being on a TV show and Ryan wants to know what she’s going to do with it. Because he’s deep, like a spoon. He wants his women to stay in the spotlight, essentially. He’s here to make an impression, not impress — because didn’t you get the memo? This show is about Ryan, America! Emily at one point brings up the fat comment he made, and he says it was flirtatious. Of course! Because nothing is more flirtatious than being told your man will not love you if you become a total fatty.
“God deigned you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman” is the line that threw me over the edge and straight into the Feminist Firepit I keep by my bedside table in times of emergency such as this. I mean, I cannot even begin to explain to you how f**ked up this is on so many levels. Is it written somewhere in stone that all women are supposed to be beautiful and stay beautiful and do so only for a man?! On the list of the 10 Commandments, is “Be Beautiful, Woman” No. 2 or No. 4? I can’t remember. (Silly me!) He talks in fortune cookies, I swear. Fortune cookies made out of horse s**t.
Ryan’s judgmental side is really starting to bother Emily, because she is a rational human woman. She recognizes that his issue with seeing Arie kissing her in the last episode is totally a double-standard — which, yes! Have you seen The Bachelor? Then you know that the bachelors are CONSTANTLY making out with women in front of the other female contestants on that show. And they just sit there awkwardly and deal because I’m pretty sure there is a line in the contract that says you just have to put up with it on these weird shows. It wouldn’t even be an issue on The Bachelor, but because Emily is a woman, Ryan feels he has a right to get all butthurt about seeing her kiss someone else in front of him. It is ridiculous.
Later, while talking with Michael, Ryan explains that he was “blessed” with romance, heart, athleticism, modesty, really straight hair, and great feet for tennis shoes? He sees there is “great potential” in Emily but that he’s called to something great which may not mean that Emily is the one for him, but it does apparently mean he’s ready to be the next star of The Bachelor? GROSS, Ryan. Get thee to a Bachelor Pad, stat!
Next: Jef With One F becomes a real personArie hates Ryan and so of course I love him even more when he pulls Emily away from Ryan for the explicit purposes of pissing off Herr Ryan De Dooshebahg. Arie continues to be my adorable frontrunner, so there’s not much to say here, but I will include a gratuitous photo of them for you. Because I care about you guys and, ultimately, I want you to be happy.
Next is Jef With One F. Oh Jef With One F. I want to like you. I think maybe you’re just sort of shy and nervous. I guess it’s semi-endearing, except for the stampede of “like” that he throws our way during their downtime together. Jef wants his like, time to like, mean like, something, you know? Like totally, man. Also he made her kiss his boo-boo which I found to be super creepy? I’m trying, Jef With One F, but you’re making it hard for me. From the previews, though, it seems like Jef With One F gets a little more comfortable. I’m interested to see that, because I think that Emily actually really likes him, and I would like to see what she sees in him.
Jef gets the date rose! Everyone is shocked, including Jef.
The two-on-one date is next, featuring John and Nate. I just threw up everywhere because of the saccharine stupidity of “let’s explore this Bermuda LOVE Triangle.” But they’re jumping off cliffs! It’s just like love! I’m falling and breaking all of my bones! Just like love!
Next, they spelunk into a cave! (They don’t really spelunk, but it feels rare the opportunity to say that in its appropriate, less-hilarious, original context. So I went for it.) And inside the cave they find The Legend Of The Awkward Date. Nate just pronounced quinoa wrong, so no one is hungry anymore. There’s really not much more to say about this date other than what’s already been said: It’s painful and awkward and weird and strange. Nate the ghost is sent home, and John gets the rose. Spelunk you stay. Nate… sashay away.
Chris pulls Doug aside at the cocktail party to talk to him and figure out what their issues are. There is thunder and lightning involved because everything on this show is one giant, cliched metaphor. “I just don’t believe you,” Chris cries. “Believe what?” Doug questions. “Believe you in general,” which is actually what Emily was sort of pointing to in her commentary about Doug earlier in the episode, but still. Dude, why do you care so much? Did you miss the memo that this isn’t about you? Why do these dudes forget that this show isn’t about them or how they feel?
And the roses begin. Staying with us to date another day:
Ryan (seuhisudfnzdiundfiug DOES NOT COMPUTE.)
Alejandro (Car breaks screech to a halt. A crash is heard. Say WHAT right now?)
Charlie and Michael are dunzo. Ryan was clearly forced to stay around by producers to cause more drama on the show. I know I joke about that, but at this point I am 100 percent convinced. I mean, Emily was even chatting up Chris Harrison about how much of a total loser she thought Ryan was! It is clearly the only plausible reason for why and how he stayed on another week. Literally. You cannot convince me of anything different.
Next week they’re off to FOGGY LONDONTOWN! Do you think they’ll drink tea and eat crumpets and put on terrible accents while saying “by George, I think he’s got it!” at each other? Fingers crossed!
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes