For too long women have been the only accepted authority on their bodies. Just look at the history of culture, entertainment, and politics in this country and around the world since the dawn of time. Men never get a say!
Thankfully, Thomas Blachman is here to save us from ourselves in the year 2013 with his new show about how dudes feel about ladies’ bodies. Blachman is a jazz musician and Danish X-Factor host and he just loves looking at women’s bodies. In fact, he believes it a service of the greater good, these looking skills of his. But Blachman believes that women are not given the real talk they so desperately ask for (without asking because seen, not heard, duh) as to how men feel about the desireability of their form.
So, on his show Blachman (unique title!), he and another male guest have a woman stand in front of them naked in order to be critiqued on the physical attributes about them that are desirable and not. Blachman and his male friends are the real authorities on women, because they spend all day contemplating, objectifying, and probably masturbating to the ideal idea of them. He probably has millions of very attractive and sexually satisfied female relations. And, he is clearly one to talk about ideal body types.
But it’s not just a segment — oh no, the entire show is about the female anatomy. Because men’s opinions on women’s bodies is a subject the world has long been silent on. And no longer will men have to stand in the shadows of their own God-given opinions and right as the superior gender (they have penises, so duh!) — finally, the world shall know them all.
According to an interview with The Daily Mail, Blachman asserts that the “female body thirsts for the words. The words of a man.” The show exists to quench this thirst in a completely tasteful manner by discussing “the aesthetics of a female body without allowing the conversation to become pornographic or politically correct.”
Here are a list of Blachman’s very sophisticated and refined commentary that will finally quench the thirst of male-opinion-hungry ladies, desperate for deep and critical insight on the female body:
– “How’s that p****y working out for you?”
– “Very animated nipples.”
– “I’ve always been an a** man.”
In the end, Blachman stands firm with his show (from his home in New York, where he retreated following the controversy): “Ungratefulness is the only thing that can really wear down the few geniuses who reside in our country. Remember, I am giving you something that you have never seen before. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”
Indeed, we should all be far more thankful for the truly important work that Blachman’s series is doing. His hope is to “revise women’s views of men’s views of women.” I think I can speak factually when I say: mission accomplished, sir.
Check out some very obviously NSFW footage from the show, below. It is in Danish.
We were going to have a man write this story so it would come from an authoritative point of view, but they were too busy being men, so you’ll have to settle for some light female sarcasm. We apologize. Three cheers for men’s rights!
Follow Alicia on Twitter @alicialutes