TV is great for two things: when you’re sick, and when you need a break from your family. And since Thanksgiving is the holiday where both of those come into play, it’s important you’re aware how TV can be your ally over the next few days. Whether you eat a few too many soggy cranberries and find yourself bedridden with food poisoning, or if your family is becoming too much to handle and you need a break before you lose it and take a chainsaw to your mother’s prized treadmill because she won’t quit talking about how you could’ve been Bruce Springsteen if you would have just sucked it up and kept taking guitar lessons, take a look at the shows that will be available for your viewing pleasure, starting very early tomorrow. (Their times are E.S.T. Obviously.)
6AM (the 25th) – 3 AM (the 26th): Cake Boss (TLC). What better way to prepare to eat all day than getting up and watching some people in Hoboken make cakes at the crack of dawn?
9AM – 12PM: Thanksgiving Day Parade (CBS, NBC): Obviously a must, but terribly boring. If you’re around little children who want to watch it, count how many of their fantasies you could crush if you wanted to before it’s over.
9AM – 11AM: Kung Fu Panda (FX) This would be a nice compromise between the parade and ESPN.
9AM – 8PM: SportsCenter (ESPN) Ugh. Men.
10AM – 12PM, 3:30 – 8PM: Keeping Up With The Kardashians (E!) For every half hour your boyfriend makes you watch of SportsCenter, he has to watch six and a half hours of this.
11:30 AM – 3:30 PM: The Godfather (AMC)
12PM – 2 PM: National Dog Show (NBC) This is another must. Not only will a fatty lifestyle seem possible after watching someone else prepare the food you’re going to eat, but the dog show will sell you on service animals because then you REALLY won’t have to do anything for yourself.
12PM – 2 PM: Boston College vs. Texas A&M (ESPN2) You might as well go educate your grandmother on factory farming.
12:30 PM – 4 PM: New England Patriots vs. Detroit Lions (CBS)
1PM – 2 PM: Half Ton Teen (Discovery Health) This is what will happen if you keep hitting Thanksgivings this hard.
2PM – 4PM: Miracle on 34th St (NBC) This movie is almost 100 years old.
3:30 PM – 8 PM: The Godfather, Part II (AMC) Great way to kill FIVE AND A HALF HOURS if you can’t smoke a joint without your father demanding his own.
8PM – 9PM: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (ABC) Always good! Literally, always.
8PM – 9PM: Taylor Swift – Speak Now (NBC) Filmed in NYC and Los Angeles, T Swift’s Thanksgiving Day special will show you how she went about making her most recent album, and what it was like to travel cross-country promoting it. (You can watch this OR A Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving. But not both. Both will turn you into Adam Sandler.)
8PM – 10 PM: CNN Heroes: An All Star Tribute (CNN) Anderson Cooper hosts the fourth annual event where everyday people are acknowledged for their acts of kindness. You are, after all, going to need some inspiration if you’re going to make it upstairs into that twin bed your mother has you sleeping in.
10PM – 11:30PM: Roast of David Hasselhoff (Comedy Central) Because you’re so drunk and you want a cheeseburger.