77th Annual Academy Awards: Chris Rock Show Quotes

As the host with the most, Chris Rock certainly rocked the 77th Annual Academy Awards ceremony. Here are some choice sound bites: “Welcome to the 77th and last Academy Awards.” “We’ve got four black Oscar nominees tonight…It’s like the Def Oscar Jam!” “You go to the Grammy Awards, there’s singin’. You go to the Tony Awards, there’s singin’ and dancin’. You go to the Source Awards, there’s singin’, dancin’ and shootin’. But there’s no acting at the Oscars at all. Can I get a little actin’? A “To Be or Not To Be?” Morgan Freeman doing a shampoo commercial? Maybe the actin’ comes when somebody doesn’t want to show how mad they are when they lose.” “I remember the year Halle Berry won the Oscar…Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won the Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance.” “Have you ever seen a movie so bad, that you question the actor’s finances? I saw Boat Trip the other day. I immediately sent Cuba Gooding Jr. a check for $80.” “The movie studios make movies too fast. If you want Tom Cruise and all you can get is Jude Law, wait. Who is Jude Law anyway? And why has he been in every movie I’ve seen in the last four years? He’s in everything. Even if it’s a movie he’s not acting in, if you look at the credits, he’s made cupcakes or something.” “If you want Russell Crowe and all you can get is Colin Farrell, wait!…I love Russell Crowe, one of the greatest actors of the world. I think all period pieces should star Russell Crowe. If you’re doing a movie about the past, you best to get Russell’s ass, OK? I don’t care if you’re making a movie about three weeks ago, you need to get Russell Crowe. ‘Cause Russell will do the research about three weeks ago. He’ll cut his hair like three weeks ago, he’ll walk like three weeks ago, he’ll talk like three weeks ago. You’ll close your eyes and go, ‘That sounded like three weeks ago!'” “If want Denzel Washington and all you can get is me, WAIT! Denzel is a fine actor. He wouldn’t never do Pootie Tang. After I did Pootie Tang, Cuba Gooding sent me a check for $80.” “Right now, Michael Moore is probably saying, ‘I should have just made Super Size Me…I’ve done the research.'” “[President] Bush basically re-applied for his job this year. But could you imagine applying for your job and while applying for that job there’s a movie in every theater in the country that shows how much you suck at that job?” “When Bush got into the office, there was a surplus of money. Now there’s a $70 trillion deficit. Now, just imagine you work at the Gap. You’re closing out your register, and it’s $70 trillion short. The average person would get into trouble for something like that…” “Then he started a war. That’s cool, support the troops. But imagine if you worked at the Gap. You’re $70 trillion behind on your register and then you start a war with Banana Republic. ‘Cause you say they’ve got toxic tank tops over there. You have the war, people are dying. 1,000 Gap employees are dead, bleeding all over the khakis. You finally take over Banana Republic and find out they never made tank tops to begin with.” “I saw The Passion of the Christ; not that funny.” “A lot of Jewish people were offended by The Passion of the Christ…I can relate ’cause I had to deal with a movie called Soul Plane this year…at least they make movies that white people can enjoy. Movies with plots, with actors, not rappers. With real names, like Saving Private Ryan. Black movies don’t have real names. You get names like Barbershop. That’s not a name, that’s a location! Barbershop, Cookout, Car Wash…you know Laundromat is coming soon. And after that Check Cashing Place.” “So that’s two for The Aviator. If Howard Hughes were here, he wouldn’t shake hands with anyone.” “The only obstacle is that a rich white guy has to spend a lot of money. That he has. How boring is that?”–on The Aviator. “When was the last time a Mexican was nominated for anything? When was the last time you saw a Mexican in a film? And, in this town, you gotta go out of your way not to hire a Mexican.” And a little Robin Williams, added in for good fun… “Animation means to breathe life into something. Experts use to create something vibrant and alive. Men know it better as Viagra. There’s Clint going, ‘Not me.'” “It is the opposite of Botox. Animated characters are becoming more and more expressive, animated and alive. Unlike Joan Rivers. And many of the women in Beverly Hills. Who have that expression of constant surprise. And then go, ‘What are these lumps under my eyes?…Those are your nipples, madam.'” “Also, they tell me Sponge Bob is gay. Square Pants is not gay. Tight Pants, maybe. Sponge Bob, Hot Pants? You go, girl! What about Donald Duck, the sailor top and no pants. Hello? And what about Chip and Dale? Two male chipmunks, sharing a tree trunk and coveting nuts. Hello?” “Don’t feel too bad about the Pixar people, they have iPod stock, they are going to be OK.”