[IMG:L]When Hollywood.com coined the term “Celebrity Spinout” to title our annual recap of the stars’ most scandalous moments a few years back, we had no idea how apt the allusion to automotive anarchy would become in 2007, given how so many of those less-than-stellar incidents took place behind the wheel of a car. Even Helio Castroneves would have a tough time navigating around the smoldering wreckage of celebrity smashups both figurative and literal that littered the Hollywood Fast Lane this year.
So pump up the anthem of the year, Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab,” and join Hollywood.com for a designated drive through the year in movie star mea culpas, TV star tribulations, Hollywood hate-fests, career-making or -breaking skin shots and undeleted expletives.
And one word of advice to the rich and famous who insist on driving themselves: Steer into the skid!
Celebrity Spinout of the Year
[IMG:R]It was the year we heard the phrase “Oops, She Did It Again” more times than when she made her 1999 music video debut, thanks to the never-ending antics of Britney Spears. Once the hottest pop tart on the planet, Brit spent most of 2007 stuck in the toaster, raked over the coals for one Chaotic night on the town after another. The list of her “Toxic” transgressions just keeps piling up, but amid all the rehab-ditching, custody-losing, umbrella-swatting, head-shaving, hit-and-running, clothes-staining, court-date-missing, drug-testing, dress-swapping, loser-smooching and mom-feuding, the glassy-eyed chanteuse managed to zombie-shuffle her way off the MTV VMA stage with no awards but two once seemingly impossible feats to her credit: where once it was the fantasy of many a fan to learn what was under that sexy schoolgirl skirt she wore in her debut, she’s now prompted her public to urge her to keep her panties on; and somehow she made Kevin Federline look like Father of the Year.
[IMG:L]Over 21 and Still Jailbait
Moms across America finally got Exhibits A (alcohol), B (busts) and C (cocaine) in the long-running dinner table debate with their impressionable young daughters over whether the current crop of celebutantes are worthy role models, thanks to Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan proved that there wasn’t a Get Out of Jail Free card amid all the complimentary swag they stuffed into their Louis Vuitton bags.
After a DUI arrest in 2006, Paris was popped by the po-po yet again for driving on a suspended license–without her headlights on, a metaphorically apt occurance–and failing to enter an alcohol education program (we figure she could probably teach the course). The L.A. ensuing media circus threatened to turn the old O.J. debacle into a little more than a carnival sideshow as everyone from TMZ to CNN documented every step of Paris’ trip to the slammer, from her penitent but oh-so-fab appearance at the MTV Movie Awards on the night she was booked to her early release into house arrest to her controversial kickback into stir to serve out her full 45-day sentence. The silliest side effect of her incarceration: the expectation that Hilton would become a humanitarian. The best: a good reason for David Letterman to be rude to his guests once again.[IMG:R]
Meanwhile, the Simple Life was just as complicated for Paris’ cohort/frienemy Nicole “Wrong Way” Richie, whose four-day sentence for her directionally-challenged drive down the 101 Freeway under the admitted influence of pot and Vicodin in 2006 resulted in a marathon 82-minute incarceration, which she served while preggers with the unborn spawn of Good Charlotte’s Joel Madden. No word on whether the fetus’ ultrasound qualifies as a prenatal mugshot.
[IMG:L]And we know who killed Lindsay Lohan’s movie career: the freckled femme fatale herself. After an early-year stint in rehab and AA that didn’t take, Lohan may have been Fully Loaded when she crashed her Mercedes Benz in Beverly Hills–cops reportedly found cocaine in the car. After another trip to Promises, less than a month later (and 22 days after her 21st birthday) an over-the-legal-limit Lohan was arrested in Santa Monica after reportedly engaging in a car chase with the personal assistant that had just left her employ, carrying cocaine along for the ride. She initially protested her innocence, but the the less-than-fashionable alcohol-sensing ankle bracelet she wore told another story and, with acting offers already evaporating, she finally accepted her real-life role as an addict and entered Utah’s Cirque Lodge rehab facility, interrupted only by a one-day stay in lockup. Arguably the most genuinely talented of the skinny-starlets-in-stir, La Lohan seems dedicated to rebuilding her life and career, helped by a strict regimen of retail therapy.
[IMG:R]From Headshots to Mugshots
It wasn’t just the DUI divas who found themselves in unflattering orange jumpsuits designed by the county. In fact, so many stars ran afoul of the law in 2007, we’re thinking of pitching a VH1 reality series called Celebrity Cellblock, gathering all the incarcerated A through D-listers under one iron-barred roof – with more famous faces than you see on an evening at Hyde or an episode of The Surreal Life, we predict it could be a ratings bonanza, especially if Kiefer Sutherland shanked Ray Liotta in general popualtion. Let’s review (and to keep our lawyers happy, let’s remember that for all charges still pending in the courts, the key word here is “allegedly”).
Forget 24: Sutherland’s in for 48 – days in jail, that is – after pleading no contest to a DUI arrest, his second since 2004. Only production delays caused by the Hollywood writers strike kept Mary Lynn Rajskub from becoming the new star of the series. Liotta was a Badfella, too, when he was taken in on DUI charges after crashing his Escalade into a pair of parked cars.
Oft-arrested Scott Weiland wasn’t popped for carrying a Velvet Relvolver – he allegedly crashed his car and was popped for DUI, just a few months after his wife Mary was busted for torching 10 grand worth of his rock star duds in front of their Toluca Lake home. Vivica Fox went from Dancing With the Stars to Dissing With the Cops, allegedly calling CHP officers “racist” when detained in her own DUI dust-up.
[IMG:L]And the police blotter continued to fill up with more names than a major awards show’s list of presenters after their alleged crimes: rapper/actress Eve (DUI after crashing her gold Maserati); The Hoff’s hasseling ex Pamela Bach (hit-and-run after crashing her Mercedes); wrestler Kurt Angle (DUI and careless driving); soap star Shemar Moore (investigation of DUI after speeding); extreme makeover master Ty Pennington (DUI); veteran TV host Gary Collins (DUI after smashing his Ford Explorer into two cars – the 89-year-old driver of one vehicle, who caused the accident by making an illegal turn, later died in the hospital); and actor Daniel Dae Kim (suspicion of drunken driving in Honolulu, having failed to learn the lessons of other Lost alum who were cruising after cocktailing); Sin City’s Mickey Rourke (DUI after making an illegal turn on a Vespa scooter); rapper Busta Rhymes (DUI while awaiting trail on two 2006 assault charges); and Brit pop star George Michael (“driving while unfit through drugs”—even English misdemeanors sound ever so polite—after being found slumped over the wheel of his Range Rover).
Not every Hollywoodite in handcuffs got in trouble behind the wheel. Repeat the magic word with us now: Allegedly, there was newly minted movie superstar Shia LaBeouf (trespassing after refusing to leave a Chicago Walgreen’s while appearing intoxicated – the charges were later dropped); The Hill’s already-in-hot-water hunk Jason Wahler (assault, criminal trespass and a minor exhibiting effects of alcohol in Seattle after scuffling with and unleashing a tirade of racist and homophobic insults on the arresting officers); Girls Gone Wild guru Joe Francis (federal tax evasion charges – he bypassed bail to stay in jail in Reno to avoid extradition to Florida to face charges of sex with a minor there); and Friend of Farrah Ryan O’Neal (assault with a deadly weapon and negligent discharge of a firearm after a late-night scuffle with son Griffin O’Neal – the charges were later dropped).
Several music stars also struck alleged discordant notes with the law, threatening to turn the Grammys into the Slammies: rapper Foxy Brown (obstruction of justice for scuffling with an officer trying to remove her from a Florida beauty shop after she hurled a glue bottle at and spit on an employee, and for felony assault after wacking her New York neighbor’s head with her BlackBerry while on probabtion); “Milkshake” mama Kelis (disorderly conduct after screaming obscenities at prostitutes who turned out to be undercover cops); country songbird Mindy McCready (battery and resisting arrest after a knock-down, drag-out worthy of a Nashville oldie with her mom in Florida); 80s pop leftover Boy George (false imprisonment and assault after chaining a male photo model in his London home against his will); DJ/rocker Uncle Kracker (second-degree forcible sex offense in North Carolina); rapper T.I. (federal weapons charges); and 2005 American Idol castoff Jessica Sierra (twice – once for throwing a glass at someone’s head, and later for disorderly conduct, felony battery and cocaine possession).
[IMG:R]Meanwhile, Kid Rock allegedly displayed some childish behavior, first by getting into a scuffle with the equally arrested adolescent Tommy Lee caught on camera at the MTV Video Music Awards, reportedly over their mutual ex Pamela Anderson (although we like to think they were arguing over the quality of Britney Spears’ comeback performance). Las Vegas police issued a misdemeanor battery citation to Rock for the bitchslap, and what happened in Vegas may return there: impresario Jeff Beacher’s trying to woo Pammy’s exes to settle their score with a live pay-per-view bout in Sin City. Meanwhile, even maple syrup couldn’t sweeten Rock’s disposition: during a post-concert visit to an Atlanta waffle house a month later, the rocker was arrested after another physical altercation with a customer over – surprise – a woman keeping company with Kid.
Also staying in Vegas: O.J. Simpson. Okay, the NFL Hall of Famer/Naked Gun second banana/double homicide acquittee has finally made it back home to Florida, but he’ll be returning to Sin City for Media Cirque du O.J. 2008 when he stands trial for 12 criminal counts associated with armed robbery after a confrontation in the Palace Station hotel/casino over valuable sports memorabilia reportedly stolen from “The Juice.” We’re so glad O.J. will have fodder for his next work of compelling speculative fiction, If I Did That, Too.
And speaking of rap sheets past, the year just wouldn’t feel complete without a new bust from a Celebrity Spinout favorite, whose rap sheet is longer than his greatest hits collection. Bobby Brown was arrested at his daughter’s cheerleading competition in Massachusetts after allegedly failing to pay back child support to his ex Kim Ward. Time for a New Edition of his mugshot!
[IMG:R]Our favorite celebrity brush with authority, however, is one that didn’t result in the fingerprinting of some well-manicured hands. While visiting Japan, Heroes’ Hayden Panettiere paddled out into the ocean with several other surfers to disrupt an annual dolphin hunt and free an imprisoned pod of Flippers, only to be forced from the water by confrontational fisherman (hey, she ain’t invincible in real life, folks).
Skipping quickly to the Osaka airport, Hayden returned to the States and claimed that an arrest warrant has been issued in her name in homeland of Hiro, so let’s just hope the show never has to shoot on location. For being 2007’s only notable famous face who fought the law over an issue of conscience, Hayden’s earned Hollywood.com’s first annual Celebrity Civil Disobedience Award.
More pop pileups ahead…
