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‘The Real Housewives of D.C.’ Recap: The Grape Stomp of Wrath

S1:E4 Over the course of the last four episodes of The Real Housewives of D.C., I find myself wondering a) if producers realize how much of a case study of human development is (which would make sense as to why they keep following housewives from anywhere), b) if these women ever drink beverages that are only made up of hydrogen and oxygen, and c) if anybody else realizes this is exactly what it must be like on “parents go to school night” to meet with the teachers of their second graders.

Also, since a lot of these women talk about things I don’t have (like Burberry scarves, Louboutins, and White House photographer husbands), I’ve just been substituting in the objects that make them act like giddy school children (like in this episode, Mary searches for white chairs WITH NO CUSHIONS to put in her BLACK living room) for what I used to get as excited as they seem to continually be about themselves: and it’s pogs. So every time they got all psyched for a bottle of wine or getting their hair blown dry by a professional, I just thought about how I’d felt if someone was stupid enough to trade me one pog for one “slammer.”

But anyway. This episode was pretty unbalanced: the first part of it was about how Michaele brought all the alcohol for (which apparently in D.C. is called “sponsoring”) Mary’s friend Ted’s salon opening. Mary was very upset when Michaele waltzed in, underfed as usual, and pretended to be best friends with Ted because she knew she was on the precipice of never having to pay for another haircut or styling again. Mary confronted Ted to make sure he knew Mary was the one responsible for working to make the opening so great, and Ted catapulted back to earth and realized the worst thing Michaela could do is make him use her to cut a bagel using her protruding shoulder blades.

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After that, the episode got heated when all the women and their significant others were invited up to the Salahi vineyard, stupidly titled “Oasis.” Lynda declined the opportunity to attend because she’d rather spend time with people she loves and people she actually cares about, which isn’t entirely unreasonable. Everyone else (minus Cat’s husband and Mary’s husband) drove to Virginia in a limo and talked about how the Salahis sneaked into the Congressional Black Congress because they didn’t have invitations. But I wouldn’t think their lack of invitations would’ve been the biggest indicator that they didn’t belong there! (Kidding, white people can go to events hosted by black people. Meet me halfway, though.)

Before they arrived, Tareq called Stacie and said his mother was attempting to breach the perimeter, and asked that they kindly pull up on the right side of the property, because the left side was deemed unsafe by an 85 year old woman with knobbly knuckles and dentures. We saw how the entire property was being patrolled by dobermans and old white guys, and it was pretty clear why Tareq’s mother thought she could sneak in uninvited. Once everyone got there and once Tareq’s mother was escorted into a stable somewhere with the rest of the dying horses, the women did some grape stomping that yielded absolutely no profitable wine.

Everyone sat down to have some dinner, and Mary asked Michaele what she meant when she said at the hair salon opening, “Ask Mary! She likes to talk about people!” Michaele responded she only said that because she heard Mary was talking about her when she and the other women were getting ready to go to Ted’s party (see how every conflict on each and every one of these shows is rooted in them talking about each other?). Mary said she heard that talk going on between Lynda and another one of their male friends, but that she didn’t participate in it. That shut Michaele up enough so Tareq could suggest that Mary’s daughter was doing something illegal that was currently being investigated by the FBI.

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What a way to end a day: grape-stained white pants and learning your daughter’s a sneeze away from committing a crime that John Walsh will be reporting on!

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