The animal, the animal! Which Orange Is the New Black character are you based on your horoscope? These Litchfield inmates may be trapped, trapped, trapped, ’til the cage is full, but that doesn’t mean we, as viewers, can’t sometimes see ourselves in them. If anything, being in prison, places a magnifying glass over these women’s individual personalities, so we can better understand what makes them intrinsically them. So are you scatterbrained like Lolly, diplomatic like Piper, or congenial like Poussey?
Find out which OITNB prisoner your horoscope aligns you with!
If you’re a Gemini, you’re Lolly…
Geminis tend to get a bad rap — labeled as “crazy,” or “two-faced.” There may be some truth, in that you never know what you’re going to get with a Gemini. Intrinsically, their personalities wear many hats; since it’s an air sign, Geminis’ most prominent personality traits are very much focused on the mind. They can be fun and playful one minute, brooding, contemplative, and serious the next. Lolly struggles with separating the voices she hears in her head from reality and it’s true with her, you never know which face or which part of her mind you’re going to get.
If you’re an Aries, you’re Taystee…
Taystee is the social butterfly of Litchfield prison and while she sticks to her tribe pretty loyally, she’s also known to make friends outside of her circle. That’s precisely the kind of trait that makes her Aries-esque, as Aries are notoriously energetic and bubbly. They are generally active people who ask a lot of questions. They find a great deal of value in small things, like when Taystee starts working as Mr. Caputo’s personal assistant in season four.
If you’re a Capricorn, you’re Alex Vause…
Capricorns, much like Alex Vause, are practical AF and don’t have much patience for people who don’t think with their brain. They’re massively serious, especially when it comes to business, and they don’t like to be played. Considering AV was a skilled member of the drug-dealing elite in her pre-prison life, she fits the Capricorn bill pretty much to a T. Also like Alex’s personality, Capricorns usually go down with the ship in order to prove they were right about something. Being wrong isn’t generally something they can easily let go…
If you’re a Scorpio, you’re Stella…
Spoiler alert if you haven’t finished season three: Stella kind of SUCKS. Piper kind of sucks too, but let’s face the reality of the matter: Stella robbed her. Therefore, she sucks more than Piper. That’s why it’s nearly impossible to ignore the parallels between Stella and most Scorpios: jealous, passionate, sometimes untrustworthy, motivated, and sometimes shady. Scorpios can’t stand weaknesses like dishonesty, which is kind of ironic based on her own shady factor.
If you’re a Libra, you’re Piper Chapman…
Cooperative, fair, diplomatic… These are all classic descriptors of Libras and Piper Chapman fits into them all. She’s calculated, sometimes conceited, and holds a grudge like no other. She gets confused when things aren’t as diplomatic as they’re “supposed” to be. Also, Libras hate being alone, which fits into Piper’s MO as she’s seldom single throughout the series. She’s either holding onto her thing with Larry, hooking up with Alex, or pining after Stella. But being on her own, acting independent? We’ve yet to see that from her…
If you’re a Pisces, you’re Suzanne AKA “Crazy Eyes…”
Pisces are amicable creatures that can make friends anywhere. They meet a lot of different people, make a lot of different friends, and give without expecting anything in return. Suzanne may have been deemed “Crazy Eyes” in the first season by her fellow prison mates, but throughout the course of the series, she’s proved time and time again that she’s likable. She may not understand love and relationships, but she fiercely loyal, always there, and people like her.
If you’re a Leo, you’re Tiffany Doggett…
The most important quality of a Leo is that they’re strong leaders, which Doggett has proved over and over again is her most prominent trait. In season one, we saw that she acted as a sort of role model to anti-abortion Christians who wrote her letters while she was incarcerated. She led a religious, anti-gay crusade against Piper, too. She’s dramatic, sometimes to a fault, and very passionate about whatever it is at the moment she believes in. It’s also part of personality that it’s nearly impossible to hate her. There’s something that draws you into her and you have to feel for her.
If you’re a Cancer, you’re Sophia Burset…
Cancers are known for being sensitive, emotional, and sometimes distraught over the simplest of things. Sophia Burset is a strong female character on Orange Is the New Black, but that’s not to say that she is not a sensitive soul. Yes, she can stick up for herself. Yes, she can hold her own. And yes, she had a rough past, but all of that strength is only reinforced by her sensitivity. She cares about people and she feels very deeply, as most Cancers do.
If you’re a Sagittarius, you’re Poussey…
The Archers of the world might have a lot going on in their brains — like a whole lot of indecisiveness and random, pulsating thoughts — but their energy positively lights up a room. When Poussey smiled, everybody in the vicinity smiled. Her energy was palpable, like it hung in the air and electrified anyone who walked through it. She was a lover, kind to everyone, and sometimes made rash decisions based on what was easy. She was outgoing and charismatic, but also deeply enjoyed her alone time. She was smart, largely likable, and at times unsure of herself.
If you’re an Aquarius, you’re Brook Soso…
Soso is a textbook Aquarius: both shy and energetic, both helpful and sometimes selfish. In her life before prison, she was a philanthropist who loved helping people. Even while incarcerated, she describes herself as wanting to make new friends. She wants to thrive, not just exist. She’s progressive and has no problem calling out people on their racist comments or thoughts. She’s emotional and sometimes sassy and temperamental, but she’s lovable and some might even describe her as being unable to “hurt a fly.” If you’re an Aquarius, then you’re like Soso in that you have big aspirations for the world and hope to one day see it improve.
If you’re a Taurus, you’re Red…
Red is the ultimate Taurus. If you’re a Taurus, then you might see the following qualities in yourself, strong, thick-headed, reliable, and stable. Red takes ultimate pride in the state of the kitchen, and in having the huge responsibility of feeding everyone in the prison. She views her stature within the prison as her ultimate prize; the fact that Healy trusts her with such a large responsibility is huge to her, as its proof of her importance and the fact that she’s needed and accepted. She does runs through the kitchen, but refuses to touch drugs, which is proof of her strength, as she is always in control of what goes in and out. And lastly, she takes care of her girls, of her prison family, proving her devotion and reliability.
If you’re a Virgo, you’re Norma…
Norma is everybody’s favorite prison mute. Obviously, she’s quiet and thoughtful, but there’s a lot more to Norma than just her lack of verbal communication. A Virgo’s weaknesses include being shy and being very judgmental, which both describe Norma perfectly. Since Virgo is a sign of the earth, they tend to care about organization and don’t like crudeness. By nature, Virgos are tender and deeply sensitive and don’t ever want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Like Norma, Virgos are kind and light-hearted and wish to do good to all.
What’s your horoscope? Which OITNB character do you identify most with? Comment below!
