‘American Horror Story’ By the Numbers: A Cut Above the Rest

Our favorite fright fest American Horror Story has more twists and turns than a game of cat’s cradle in a wind storm. But it’s still made of slightly predictable tropes, some cribbed from traditional genre fare and some all of it’s own. Here’s an accounting of what happened in last night’s episode based on the scariest thing of all: math. The spoiler-phobic should beware.

Dead Bodies: 4 (the two fake serial killers at the beginning, that crazy lady Sister Mary Eunice feeds to the zombie monsters, and the dead girl Sister Jude ran over who we had to see again and again and again. Does not include Wendy, who may or may not be dead yet)

Weird Anatomical Allusions: 1 (“rosebud tit”)

Person Spanked/Slapped/Hit: 1 (Sister Mary Eunice)

Times We Had to Listen to “Dominique” by the Singing Nun: 2

Cigarettes Smoked by Dr. Thredson: 3

Loaves of Bread Kneaded: 2

Sister Jude’s Freakouts: 4 (including her intoxication)

Times Sister Jude Says She’s Onto Someone: 1

Creepy Sex Things Dr. Arden Does: 3 (beats Sister Mary Eunice, puts makeup on a statue, tries to rape a patient)

Shots of that Creepy Crawly Bug Microchip Thing: 3

Times Shelley Is Slut-Shamed: 4

Consecutive Weeks with an Escape Attempt: 2

Successful Escape Attempts: 0

Non-Dr. Arden-related Sex Acts: 1 (Shelley blowing Carl the guard)

Scary New Monsters We Only Get a Glimpse Of: 2 (the zombies in the wood and that goblin with claws Sister Jude finds)

Spoiler Alerts: 0 (Thanks, Sister Jude, for telling us everyone dies at the end)

Amputated Limbs: 3 (Both of Shelley’s legs and Adam Levine’s arm, which he’s still using to fight off fake serial killers)

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: FX]

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