‘American Horror Story’ By the Numbers: Bad Santa

ALTOur favorite fright fest, American Horror Story, has more twists and turns than a game of cat’s cradle in a wind storm. But it’s still made of slightly predictable tropes, some cribbed from traditional genre fare and some all of it’s own. Here’s an accounting of what happened in last night’s episode based on the scariest thing of all: math. The spoiler-phobic should beware.

Excellent Choices Casting Ian McShane as Killer Santa: 1

Bad Boston Accents: 5 (Opening Santa, kid’s mom, “Star Market” joke, Suzy’s accent wasn’t Bostonian but it was awful, Suzy’s dad, Frank )

Christmas Carols: 9

Pairs of Poop Earrings: 1

Ryan Murphy Shows That Have Referenced Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer‘s Special This Week: 2

Dead Bodies: 6 (Opening Santa, Suzy’s parents, Grace, Frank, Santa)

Times a Person Was Spanked/Slapped/Hit: 10 (Sister Jude by all her canes, Frank and Santa, Dr. Threadson, Sister Jude)

Times We Had to Listen to “Dominique” by the Singing Nun: 0

Cigarettes Smoked: 1

Loaves of Bread Kneaded: 0

Sister Jude’s Freakouts: 3 (Slitting Sister Mary Eunice throat, being hauled out, Rudolph)

Shots of that Creepy Crawly Bug Microchip Thing: 0

Aliens: 1

Consecutive Weeks with an Escape Attempt: 7

Successful Escape Attempts: 0

Sex Acts: 0 (attempted rape doesn’t count)

Puns on the Word “Come”: 1 (sadly it was not about “Come All Ye Faithful”)

Flashbacks/Backstories: 5 (Evil Santa, last Christmas, evil Santa’s gang rape, Kit and Alma, Jude beating Santa) Butts: 0 Adam Levine Sightings: 0 Consecutive Weeks Without the Modern Story: 3 New Monsters: 1 (or is that the same old alien?) Unsanitary Medical Procedures: 0 Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: FX] More: ‘American Horror Story’ By the Numbers: The Origins of Bloody Face ‘American Horror Story’ By the Numbers: Bloody Face Is Revealed ‘American Horror Story’ By the Numbers: Nazi Death Squad