It’s down to the final four couples, which means that tonight’s episode decides who will compete in the Bachelor Pad finale. Which means this is pretty important. “Things are about to get really ugly,” Jaclyn promises in the promo. Can’t wait!
The sun is shining and the birds are chirping on this glorious Bachelor Pad morning. It’s challenge day, and Chris Harrison arrives with his brilliant, unnaturally white smile to brighten the day. Except, today Chris has a shadow in tow. The winner of today’s competition will not get a rose, he reveals, but they will get “a lot of power.” Also — and here’s the womp womp moment — one couple will be sent home immediately, so pack your bags. Guess who gets to pick the losers (hint: the winners).
The couples walk out to the pool, and the viewers at home are treated to slack-jawed, wide-eyed stares. “What is this?” Ed whispers. What is it?! What could have the contestants react with such bafflement? Is it a UFO? Nessie? A happily married couple? Oh, no, it’s a trapeze. Boring. The competition is as follows: One member of each team will sit on a swing suspended above the pool while the other answers Bachelor and Bachelor Pad trivia questions. After three wrong answers, the partner on the swing will be dropped into the pool. Game over, splash.
Tony and Blakeley are the first to be eliminated and Rachel and Nick aren’t far behind. Sarah, a veritable superfreak of Bachelor knowledge, clearly spends eight hours a day watching recorded episodes she keeps under her bed on decaying VHS tapes. That being said, Ed is next to plop into the water, making the dynamic douche-o of Chris and Sarah once again vicious. A regular Hemingway, as always, Chris says, “I have the opportunity to shatter someone’s dreams.” I think you mean obligation, Chris. Or maybe you’re just a huge dick.
Blakeley is prolonging the inevitable by blubbering to the camera about how much she needs the money and therefore can’t be sent home. Since I’ve already heard Blakeley’s “don’t make me be a stripper again” sob story, I’ve stopped listening. I have, however, noticed her finger tattoo for the first time. Is that from her stint in juvie?
Chris and Sarah surprise no one by sending Blakeley and Tony home. Blakely starts shaking like she’s going through withdrawal (like, from drugs), and Tony instantly reverts to dad-with-a-sick-kid mode. He strokes Blakeley’s hair, kisses her forehead, and puts a damp washcloth on her furrowed brow.
As the limo pulls away, Jaclyn whines, “I think we deserve a treat.” But when Chris Harrison arrives a moment later he brings not Rice Krispie treats, but more dark news. No dinner for these crazy kids, it’s off to the limo for another competition.
Levels of anticipation and dread are high as the contestants pull up at the Palladium Theater. They walk inside and are greeted by some terrible cover band playing some terrible slow jam. Oh, nevermind, it’s Night Ranger playing their hit “Sister Christian.” (So I’m not great at ’80s rock, sue me.) Chris has also definitely never heard this song before, as evidenced by his “I’m pretending to know the words” head bob. Chris Harrison tries to explain that the couples will be competing for a spot in the finale by participating in a karaoke contest on crack, but angry hobbit lead singer Jack Blades interrupts him to begin some premature heckling.
After 24 hours of rehearsal – and some vocal training that clearly did little more than shake everyone’s confidence — the curtain rises on our little rock divas. Decked out in their ’80s gear, everyone looks like they just finished a long night of whoring. Except for Rachel; Rachel looks awesome. Speaking of Rachel, she and Nick are up first. Rachel’s voice is adorably crackly and raspy; she doesn’t hit a single right note but she stomps all over the stage like she owns it. Nick, meanwhile, looks like a bonafide sex god rock star. Oof, those leather pants. Basically, Nick and Rachel kill it.
Up next, Ed and Jaclyn. This is a trian wreck. “Can we start over?” Jaclyn asks? And as the band continues playing on without them, things go from bad to worse. Their awkward fumbling of the lyrics quickly degenerates into a strip tease and simulated sex — and now I need to gauge my eyes out with a hot poker.
Last we have Chris and Sarah. Of course, they think they’re awesome. “I think we’re just like really really good at stuff,” Sarah tells the camera. Ed, however, can see things clearly: “Sarah looked like a monkey that was being electrocuted on stage by some sort of thunderbolt coming down on her.” Enough said.
With the performances out of the way, it’s time for Night Ranger to name the winning team. Thank Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, they choose Nick and Rachel. Which means (cue the dramatic music) Nick and Rachel get to choose the other couple to join them in the finale. Is this when the crying starts? This episode hasn’t had enough crying.
For those of you who are new to Bachelor Pad, it’s important to know that the season’s kicked-off contestants return in the finale to vote for the one couple of the final two they want to see win the $250,000. This means Rachel and Nick must strategically decide which couple will pull less votes. This is pretty tricky business, but boils down to:
Picking Chris and Sarah
Pro: They caused tons of drama in the house, meaning people don’t like them and won’t want them to win the money.
Con: They won the last two challenges, which may make the contestants think they “deserve” to win more than Nick and Rachel.
Picking Jaclyn and Ed
Pro: Rachel won’t ruin her friendship with Jaclyn; the other contestants see Ed as a hot mess.
Con: Jaclyn and Ed have a lot of friends.
Nick thinks Chris and Sarah is the obvious choice, Rachel is crying. Who will they chose?! Chris and Sarah. They choose Chris and Sarah.
Rachel is crying, Jaclyn is audibly sobbing, Chris has an a**hole grin on his face. In the limo, Jaclyn goes on a rant about loyal friends. Dude, I repeat for the zillionth time, have you never seen this show?
Before the credits roll, Chris Harrison’s disembodied voice promises, “The most shocking, most disturbing finale of Bachelor Pad ever.” Most disturbing? That’s a new one. Color me intrigued.
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[Photo Credit: ABC]