‘Family Guy’ Recap: Stewie, What Do You Think Of These Obscene Fairy Tales?

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In an unusual move, Peter actually spends time with Stewie. Yes, the entire episode features Peter trying to get his son to go to sleep.

The fat man starts off by reading Stewie Jack and the Beanstalk. Naturally, Family Guy puts its own spin and casts its characters in all of the fairy tale roles. In the first tale, Peter is Jack and his wife is played by Lois. She warms Peter not to take magic beans as payment for selling the family cow. Real money. What do you think Peter does?

Peter happily accepts magic beans. After being scolded by Lois, Peter throws the beans in the yard. Overnight, the beanstalk grows all the way to the sky. Perpetual pervert Quagmire plays Rumpleforeskin; he complains that the beanstalk blocks the view of Little Miss Muffet’s tuffet. Peter climbs the beanstalk only to find the goose (Stewie) laying a golden egg. There’s also a giant who lives in the castle (Chris), who won’t let his goose get taken. A chase ensues — Peter climbs down swiftly while Chris, hugely gigantic, plops his way down. Meanwhile, at the bottom, Quagmire saws the beanstalk down. He really needs to see Miss Muffet! Chris falls after the beanstalk tramples. He lands with a thud and worse, the beanstalk crushes him. A lot of blood splatter here.

Fairy tale two is Little Red Riding Hood. Not much happens here other than Red (Stewie) traveling down the path to Grandma’s (Grandma Pewterschmidt) with the Wolf (Brian). They get along just fine. Brian gets to Grandma’s house early, you know, since he has to “surprise” Red. When Stewie walks into the house, he realizes right away that Brian is wearing Grandma’s clothes. Randomly, the Woodsman (Peter) shows up with a chainsaw. He makes a bloody mess of the place, the result of cutting Brian in half. “I’m not sure if that’s our hero or just a lunatic going house to house murdering people,” Stewie says. Peter really does seem crazed with his wild laugh as he chainsaws the life out of people.

Cinderella (Lois) is the final fairy tale. Lois’ awful family (Grandma, Stewie and Meg) rips her dress apart so she can’t go to the ball. Luckily, the Fairy Godmother (Adam West) saves the day. It would have been funny if Adam West donned his 1960s Batman costume instead of a pink dress and magic wand. Brian and Joe provide transportation as horse and carriage (Joe screams that it hurts being transformed into a vehicle). Come to think about it, that probably would hurt like hell. The Prince (Peter) falls in love with Lois at the ball after dancing. She leaves at midnight since, you know the spell wears off.

Seriously, why would you make a spell wear off at midnight? Most parties don’t get good till after 10 p.m. How could Cinderella party for less than two hours? Anyway, Peter matches the glass slipper to Lois. The two don’t live happily ever after: the marriage lasts just seven months and in the end, the two of them don’t even follow each other on Twitter. Not a happy ending, you have to at least follow on Twitter.