‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: Should We Just Break Up?

S2:E19 “I’m bleeding when I use the bathroom.” – Ronnie

If you haven’t been heeding all of Katie Couric’s warnings to care for your colon, then you’re a jerk. Your body is yours. It’s not like your roommate’s sofa that you don’t have to have any respect for because wine has already been spilled on it too many times and it is actually the perfect place to start a Little Shop of Plaster project. No, your insides are sacred, and if you fuck with them too much, they’ll fuck with you back. No joke. They’ll show no mercy and they’ll start holding co-op meetings where they’ll plan the best way to get you back for fucking with them so hard. They’ll wait until you’re at a really great place in your life and that’s when they decide the time is right for you to START BLEEDING FROM YOUR ASSHOLE. Which is exactly what happened with Ronnie last night on Jersey Shore. Everything was great between him and Sammi so he went out one night, drank way too much, and woke up the next morning with blood coming out of his ass. Realizing this was A BIGGER FUCKING PROBLEM than the sudden disappearance of all the Risk game pieces, Sammi took Ronnie to one of those weird doctors that operates out of a building that looks like a house. He poked around places like Ronnie’s “rim” and basically told him to stop drinking so much. Which he did, in addition to begin keeping a crazy tube of cream on his bedside table.

So the whole house was getting along for the first time since, I don’t know, boxerbriefs. They all went to Karma where Snooki met Jeff and Deena met Dario. When they went back to the house, Dario fed Deena enchiladas even though she said she wanted to go to the gym more. He told her she didn’t have to because she was small and in actuality, she could gain weight. She was charmed, but not enough for her to have sex with him so she said they were just going to cuddle. Then, we caught a glimpse of how, when they were in bed together, Dario said that he hadn’t had sex in three months and that it’d be really great if she’d just indulge him. And so she did because she could sense that he was really close to going to Kinkos and making a pie chart to illustrate his inadvertent solidarity. The next day, Snooki hung out with Jeff, and she explained to him that the reason why the ocean was salty was because of all the whale sperm, and Jeff explained to Snooki that he was practically engaged to a virgin before he went to Iraq. HER MIND EXPLODED. This scared Snooki quite severely that she broke it off with him before she had a chance to explore the capabilities of his tongue ring. Idiot.

“We’re going to take the other Escalade to go to the sex store and get games.” – Jenni

Before the guys went out to do their laundry, they asked the girls to clean out the refrigerator. But instead, the girls went to a sex shop. Jenni got some kind of bondage outfit that was so frail the gums of a baby could rip it a part, Deena tried on an angel costume, Snooki purchased a baseball player’s uniform, and Sammi did nothing and just acted like a piece of sea glass in one of their foots that they happened to drag in there with them. So when the boys got back, they realized the girls had not cleaned out the refrigerator and this irritated Ronnie in particular because thought he did everything for Sammi except breathe for her. When the girls made it back to the house with their costumes that would eventually find a spot in their closets next Petco sweaters that each of their dogs got too fat for, Ronnie said it was unfair that the guys had to go food shopping, clean the kitchen, empty the refrigerator (are wrecking balls in there? What’s making this task so excruciating?) and then cook dinner for everyone. Sammi said she had done her duties when she held a bag in front of his mouth to catch his vomit and took him to the doctor when his asshole was bleeding, and I kind of thought she was right. At the dinner table, everything was awkward again because Sammi and Ronnie were not on good terms anymore.