E!’s televised deterioration of civilization, better known as Kourtney & Kim Take Miami, kicked off its third season last night and all that soul-crushing scripted drama you’ve known about for months was there to behold. Kim Kardashian‘s doomed cat Mercy! Khloe Kardashian‘s fertility woes! Kourtney Kardashian was there! Help me!
With the Kardashian sisters and the various Kardashian significant others and spawns in tow, they are taking Miami and the deteriorating fabric of human decency by storm! But that’s not the only thing that humble, socially conscious, necessary Kardashian clan took in the Season 3 premiere.
Nope, the 10 other things the Kardashians also took…
Phone Calls From Kanye West: He said ‘I love you!’ This one might be serious, everyone.
Pot Shots At Kris Humphries: The gals not only poo-poohed the outrageous notion that Kim married Kris for the publicity, but Khloe made sure to make fun of her ex-brother-in-law’s a plenty, from his name (“The Humpty Dump”) and general disposition. (“[He] barks for most of his words.”) They even compared him to Kanye, saying that Kim’s new man is “better than Humphries.” Of course, Kim won’t let anyone take pot shots at her. During a confessional, she told those critical jokesters that laugh about the length of her marriage to Humphries that — HAHAHA the joke is on us — she’s actually been married for a year-and-a-half and that’s not short at all!
Foreshadowing: “I can’t believe Kanye surprised me with the cutest little baby ever!” cried Kim. Now, she was of course referring to the kitten that her rapper beau surprised her with, but there was a bevy of soundbites just like that all alluding to Kim’s future pregnancy. “I cannot wait for you to have a baby to see what it’s like,” Kourtney told her sister Kim, who could barely clean up after or keep tabs on her current “baby,” Mercy the cat, which she lost in the span of the first 45 minutes. Have mercy on Kimye’s baby.
Irony: Kim cried repeatedly throughout the episode that not only did she not like drama, but she hated that anyone would talk or scheme behind her back. Mind you, this happened mere moments after she summoned Scott Disick to join them in Miami despite her sister’s wishes and his worries that he would fall off the wagon in Miami. Kim and Kourtney then proceeded to throw the hard-partying lifestyle right in Scott’s face and distracted him from the one reason he was supposed to be down there, his family. Sorry, did I say irony? I meant being generally terrible.
Jekyll & Hyde: In the span of just an hour, Scott Disick transformed from scruffy, marginally likable family man to a Royce-driving Patrick Bateman-inspired nightmare douche who refers to himself as Lord Disick.
Real Estate: Their DASH store location was unkempt and too small, so they cleaned it and now they are moving it to a new location. You can finally sleep again.
Liberties With The English Language: “How could anything sell when the racks are this claustrophobic?” (Oooh, so close. I believe the word you were looking for was cluttered.) “Kourtney thinks I’m uncapable of taking care of a pet.” (Kim fail English? That’s unpossible!)
Shots Of People’s Butts On Miami Beach: Butts everywhere!
PETA: PETA no doubt loved watching Kim mishandle her white Persian cat, snip at it with scissors, let a young child be its primary caretaker, take it out while she was drunk, and lose it within hours of ownership.
YOLO: Those Kardashians sure love their YOLO’ing. Their YOLO pants, their YOLO hats, their general YOLO attitude. (Poor Mercy.)
[Photo credit: E!]