‘Real Housewives of OC’ Recap: Vicki and Gretchen Throw Down

That’s apparently the rule Slade lives by. After making Vicki and Tamra the butt of his vicious jokes during his standup routine, the retch has the audacity to show up at Tamra’s 80s party. Yes, he was invited, but that was before his routine send shock waves through the housewives. Dear Slade, we get that you’re bored, but you don’t have to keep every invitation when the likelihood of your head being ripped off is at an all-time high. When Vicki finally confronts the mean-hearted househusband about his quip about Vicki resembling Miss Piggy, he provides one simple justification: it’s in the news, so it’s fair game. Yes, for some professional, funny comedian, not the guy who hops from Housewife to Housewife and hasn’t collected his own paycheck in three years. 

At the 80s party that won’t end, Vicki’s confrontation with Slade eventually riles up Gretchen, who swoops in to defend her man-child. Vicki defends her past remarks about Slade, saying he doesn’t pay child support and she can’t support that. One small issue: Vicki’s boyfriend was once in jail for refusing to pay child support. Vicki’s hypocrisy drives Gretchen to tears, but the girl’s got a point. Pot, this is kettle. She’s crying right now, but you guys are very, very similar. Now, we haven’t really seen much of Vicki’s beau, but she’s got a point about Slade. No matter how many characteristics Slade shares with Vicki’s man, he’s worse. Hands down. 

When I said the party wouldn’t end, I meant it. After the Slade drama, Alexis had to take some time to make a fuss. Gretchen mentions that “Lex” is getting a procedure for her nose. While she should have known this would result in Tamra’s gossipy whispers about how Alexis was trying to cover up cosmetic surgery, it wasn’t all that bad. Tamra teased lightly that her “sinus surgery” is just an cover for a big ol’ nose job and being that Heather’s husband is a plastic surgeon, he chimed in noting that the sinuses aren’t actually located in the nose. Sure, it was a little rude, but the girl is getting a nose job and she should own it. Instead, she turns off her brain and starts throwing a tantrum and crying. Hey, sweetheart, it couldn’t have been easy to hear that your paper thin alibi for a nose job ripped open, but if you’re as open about surgery as you claim, why so serious?

Alexis has issues listening and to boot, she can’t see beyond her pre-op nose. After making an already tumultuous party all about herself, Alexis heads to the doctor to fix her “sinus issues.” Once there, she can’t bear to face her totally elective surgery and requires her husband to pray for her and hold her hand until the very end. Meanwhile, somewhere else in Orange County, Vicki’s daughter Briana is facing mandatory surgery so doctors can figure out whether or not she has cancer. Cry all you want, Alexis, no one is going to feel sympathy for fixing the sniffles and a bumpy nose. Especially not when the producers so cleverly place it alongside actual hardship.

Every episode needs its cliffhanger, and Briana’s results are the unsolved mystery this week. But before we can get to the part where they leave us hanging, Vicki manages to provide almost zero support for her daughter as they drive to the hospital. While Briana is going under the knife, she’s the one telling her mother it will be okay. She’s the one calming Vicki’s fears. Mothers are supposed to be worried, but they’re also supposed to hold their kids’ hands and tell them nothing bad is going to happen to them. Briana starts to tell her mother how detrimental her panic is to Briana’s calm state, but opts to parent her parent. Let’s hope next week finds Vicki’s shrill squealing as a reaction to a good announcement instead of a bad one.