‘The Real Housewives of DC’ Recap: Perception Gap

S1:E7 Last night’s Real Housewives of DC began with Cat finishing her book, called Inbox Full, and asking her White House photographer husband (whom she’s now divorced from) to help her come up with a cover. A few episodes back he took pictures of her carrying bags up as she went up and down escalators and pretended to look at the The Day After Tomorrow water wave sized group of messages on her Blackberry. She began instructing him as to where he should put her name and what kind of shading to do, and made the mistake of asking what he was doing for the rest of the day. He responded he was flying to Manhattan to photograph the Peter Jackson, then Bill Clinton, then General Petraeus, then Nancy Pelosi, and then Tim Geitner… so could she kindly cease publishing her book and give the tree husbands back to their grieving and terribly devastated tree wives?

Michaele went over to spend an afternoon with the cheerleaders of the Washington Redskins because she cheered for the team back in the 80s and apparently, the Redskins are the only group who want to have anything to do with their old and bored and hated by their mother-in-laws and liverspotted alumni. But she wasn’t alone that day! A bunch of other 80s Redskins cheerleaders were there, and it was very hard to believe the younger cheerleaders didn’t just school them in cheers and youth and thank them for being the generation who discovered if you smoke too much, your voice changes and morphs into a bus motor. Instead, we got many shots of the same stringy blond hair whirling around in different directions. Michaele was by far the worst cheerleader – she had her hands up when they were supposed to be down, forgot that 8 came after 7, and popped her head up and down like she was a Brady. Finally, the choreographer put her in the back.

Stacie did something really cute and gathered up a bunch of crazy sundae toppings for her kids to make sundaes, and invited Mary, Mary’s kids, Cat’s kids, and Lynda over to enjoy on the ice cream bedazzling. Cat went over to Stacie’s friend Erica and started complaining how she fell over on the way over, and Erica was all like, “so you’re mean AND klutzy?” Cat didn’t like that very much, but her attention was immediately redirected to Jacob, Stacie’s son, who asked who the oldest mommy in the room was. The mothers thought it would be better to let the kids guess, and Cat’s daughters recognized this game IMMEDIATELY and said their mother was the youngest and Mary was the oldest. The septic tank stays vacant once again!

The women left the children to their sundaes and all went into the other room to discuss how terrible a mother Mary is because her daughter quit her job and continues to live at home. Then Erica told Cat that she really doesn’t like her because Cat said a long time ago that she hates Tyra Banks. (Why is Erica even on this show? She’s not one of the five housewives…is she an understudy for the guy who makes the horse noises in Spamalot?) Lynda confusingly stepped in — which was especially surprising because the room wasn’t feng shui at all — and told Erica to stop judging everyone. Cat got up and left, and Erica kept talking about how negative Cat was, and everyone was like, “cut her a break, her husband wants to go take pictures of a general rather than decide how the placement of her name on her book cover is going to negatively affect the sequins of her dress.”

Mary’s daughter sat down with her parents and asked for more time to stay in the house. Her plan was to save up more money and be out of the house by spring or summer or fall, but not winter because it’s too cold to fold a cardboard box in winter. Lolly’s father wants her out of the nest, like now, because little birds have to fly so their wings don’t become vestigial appendages, but Mary didn’t seem to want her to leave at all. I guess she really likes having her clothes stolen, seeing as she’s feeding the burglar and not locking the lock on her closet!

Lynda, Erica, Cat, Stacie and her husband, Mary and Paul went to David Catania’s office, a D.C. Councilmember who’s trying very hard to get the gay marriage bill passed. Right from the beginning, there was immediate tension between Cat and Erica, but it was quickly overshadowed by a disagreement on the subject itself between Mary and everyone else. Mary said the issue didn’t affect her, which was kind of shocking (seeing as all her friends are stylists and own antique shops where chairs are for looking instead of for sitting), as was when Stacie’s husband said he understood civil unions, but believed marriage was between a man and a woman. Oh snap, and Stacie believed that too! Did they forget their hairstylist (Paul Wharton, the guy who had to pay for his own birthday party because the Salahis stiffed him with the bill) had called the meeting in the first place? Paul was very upset once he found out he was friends with three people who didn’t believe in gay marriage.

The Salahis met with one of their business advisors on how they’re going to make a bill that protects wineries become a law? I think that’s what she said? I was listening…but it just sounded so much like history class and I’ve always spent history class trying to spot the place where I burned my nose with a curling iron, so I kind of was thinking more about how everyone else went to a gay marriage meeting and Michaele was off cheerleading. The advisor also said that most wineries cannot make a profit by just being a winery, which means they must really have no money since the winery isn’t even operational anymore. Michaele and Tareq kept talking about how many people the vineyard had made happy, but that seems improbable since the name is stupid and there’s no wine left.

The next Salahi project they did was meet with a writer (who lived in a decidedly un-writerlike house) who was going to help them write a tell-all book about their terrible family woes. The title of it will be, “Wine, War and Roses,” and this sentence (and recap) is over because I’m too discouraged.