Every Lifetime Christmas movie is the same. There’s usually a woman trying to make the perfect Christmas or fall in love right before the holidays or find someone in her life who she never thought she’d fall in love with but does. Santa appears, people kiss under mistletoe, there are hijinks and plucky music. There are faded stars and commercial breaks and everything ends with a log burning in the fire and snow falling on a happy home.
But just because every movie is the same doesn’t mean we don’t want to watch every campy predictable moment. This year the network has 10 (yes 10) new holiday-themed movies that it is trotting out before December 25. One of them you can already watch online for free! Here are all 10 movies and everything you need to know about them. Let your DVR get into the holiday.
Finding Mrs. Claus
Watch It: Sunday, December 2, at 9 PM
Description: Mrs. Claus has lost that loving feeling so she goes to Las Vegas to help a little girl get her Christmas wish. Of course Santa follows her and hijinks ensue.
Nostalgic Stars: Mad TV star Will Sasso and Oscar winner Mira Sorvino. Yes. Oscar.
Likelihood You’ll Cry: About as likely as a coffee commercial.
Will Santa Appear?: Duh.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: I’d bet Vixen on it.
Jesus Quotient: 0
Holly’s Holiday
Watch It: Saturday, December 8, at 8 PM
Description: A woman falls in love with the mannequin in a store window and when she gets knocked out he comes to life and saves her.
Nostalgic Stars: Kim Cattrall. No wait, she’s not in this. She was in Mannequin. This is the same movie with a gender swap.
Likelihood You’ll Cry: Zero.
Will Santa Appear?: Nope.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes, but not with the mannequin, with like her coworker she thought was mean or something.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: No, put plenty of Holly puns.
Jesus Quotient: 0
All About Christmas Eve
Watch It: Sunday, December 9, at 9 PM
Description: Eve is a party planner and she has to choose between throwing a huge party on Christmas Eve or going on a romantical trip with her boyfriend. We see what happens if she chooses each option.
Nostalgic Stars: Gwyneth Paltrow. No wait, she’s not in this. She was in Sliding Doors. This is the same movie but has Haylie Duff and Connie Sellecca.
Likelihood You’ll Cry: About the same as watching a Gwyneth Paltrow movie.
Will Santa Appear?: As slim as Haylie Duff.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes, in both realities.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: No.
Jesus Quotient: 0
The Real St. Nick
Watch It: Saturday, December 15, at 8 PM
Description: A man is admitted to the hospital claiming he’s Father Christmas. A nurse thinks he’s crazy, until they fall in love and she learns to love Christmas too.
Nostalgic Stars: None.
Likelihood You’ll Cry: About the same as at an 8th Grade graduation.
Will Santa Appear?: Certain.
Will True Love Be Found?: Equally certain.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Is Santa’s belly full of jelly?
Jesus Quotient: 0
Merry In-Laws:
Watch It: Sunday, December 16, at 9 PM
Description: Alex is getting married and going to her fiance’s house for Christmas…at the North Pole. Yup, she’s the future Mrs. Claus Jr.
Nostalgic Stars: Shelley Long and George Wendt. Cheers reunion!
Likelihood You’ll Cry: Only for missing Cheers.
Will Santa Appear?: Will he ever.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes, and then lost. And then found again.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Does Shelley Long need more work?
Jesus Quotient: 0
Holiday High School Reunion
Watch It: Saturday, December 8, at 2 PM
Description: A young lady returns home a week before Christmas to try to win back her high school sweetheart.
Nostalgic Stars: Harry Hamlin, Marilu Henner
Likelihood You’ll Cry: Were you bullied in high school? Then good.
Will Santa Appear?: Only in a light up lawn ornament in the front yard.
Will True Love Be Found?: Have you seen Sweet Home Alabama?
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: How sophomoric. (Get it?!)
Jesus Quotient: 0
Holiday Spin
Watch It: Friday, December 21, at 8 PM
Description: 17-year-old Blake’s mother dies on Thanksgiving and he is forced to go live with his long-lost father in Miami. Dad owns a dance studio that will close if Blake and a female student don’t win the annual Holiday Spin dance contest.
Nostalgic Stars: Ralph Macchio
Likelihood You’ll Cry: Depends on how you feel about the cha-cha.
Will Santa Appear?: As a judge of the dance contest.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Probably not, but there will be twinkle toe jokes.
Jesus Quotient: 0
Christmas Consultant
Watch It: Right now!
Description: Maya has to throw an amazing Christmas party to impress her family and land a million dollar account at work, but she doesn’t have any time. She hires a Christmas Consultant to do it everything! What, she doesn’t know a gay?
Nostalgic Stars: David Hasselhoff
Likelihood You’ll Cry: Watch the Hoff’s cheeseburger video. You’ll cry.
Will Santa Appear?: The consultant is Santa. Duh!
Will True Love Be Found?: She already is married, but she’ll love her husband again.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Is Kitt a talking car?
Jesus Quotient: 0
The March Sisters At Christmas
Watch It: Friday, November 30, at 8 PM
Description: It’s a retelling of Little Women where the four sisters have to save their parents house before Christmas.
Nostalgic Stars: None.
Likelihood You’ll Cry: Let us all weep for the lack of Winona Rider in our lives.
Will Santa Appear?: On a sweater.
Will True Love Be Found?: Four times over.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Is Jo a lesbian?
Jesus Quotient: 0
Love at the Christmas Table
Watch It: Saturday, December 1, at 10 PM
Description: A man and a woman have been spending every Christmas at the kid’s table for their entire lives. One year he decides they are destined to be together. Aww. Also, weird.
Nostalgic Stars: Danica McKeller (Winnie Cooper!), Lea Thompson
Likelihood You’ll Cry: Only from creepiness.
Will Santa Appear?: The guy will have to dress as Santa to please the kids.
Will True Love Be Found?: Yes. True, creepy love.
Will There Be Mistletoe Jokes?: Yes.
Jesus Quotient: 0
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Lifetime]
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