F-bombs and fading stardom … what’s become of you, Christian Bale? Take our 10 pieces of advice — because your career needs it.
1. Select a co-star that won’t steal the movie.
Johnny Depp in Public Enemies? Bad move. Sam Worthington in Terminator Salvation? Right, Bale, you wouldn’t have thought so, but yep, that was his movie, not yours (and he was a no-name! For shame!). Also, witness him opposite Russell Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma, or, better yet, trying to take at least a shred of the spotlight away from Heath Ledger’s Oscar-winning, one-for-the-ages Joker in The Dark Knight. Starring opposite Mark Wahlberg in the forthcoming boxing flick The Fighter feels like a step in the right direction, though if Wahlberg brings the spark-plug inventiveness of his work in The Departed and I Heart Huckabees, all bets are off.
KEEP READING: Just say “It’s Saturday night!”[PAGEBREAK]
2. Host Saturday Night Live.
It’d be awesome if Bale tried to fit into the groove set by the Not Ready for Prime Time Players, like if he “reenacted” his Terminator set tantrum in the monologue. He could also distract Will Forte’s bumbling MacGuyver take-off MacGruber long enough to cause the requisite stock-footage explosion, and play awestruck straight man to the ever-inspired Kristen Wiig in whatever mad comic business she can dream up.
KEEP READING: A tip from Bruno![PAGEBREAK]
3. Engage in a lighthearted photo spread for a major magazine.
Bale doesn’t have to pull a Sacha Baron Cohen and go the full monty while wearing a faux-coy expression (see the latest GQ), though that would certainly please many of his female fans. But imparting a loose, fun-loving vibe in still-photo form would merit some positive blog ink. He could go either the generic route with it (i.e. frolicking in tall grass with an adorable golden-retriever puppy) or in a more imaginative direction (imagine if he posed while imitating some of the great intense characters in film history, like, say, Marlon Brando’s chopper-straddling Johnny in The Wild One, or Malcolm McDowell’s cane-twirling Alex in A Clockwork Orange).
KEEP READING: A tip from Ryan Reynolds![PAGEBREAK]
4. Give the romantic comedy genre a try.
Sure, there are plenty of lazy rom-coms out there that are beneath an actor of Bale’s caliber, but the performer brought so much warmth and tenderness to the role of John Rolfe, Pocahontas’ husband, in The New World that it’s easy to envision him in the kind of quality romantic comedy that’s tinged with bittersweet feeling — a Cameron Crowe-esque genre effort. It’s a shame, then, that Crowe seems to have no plans to work in the near future, though Richard Curtis (Four Weddings and a Funeral) will do in a pinch. A Judd Apatow romantic comedy may demand an uncharacteristic degree of silliness from Bale, though it would be darned interesting to see him try and meet that challenge.
KEEP READING: Oh, Newsies. Sigh.[PAGEBREAK]
5. Give the musical genre another try.
While it’s true that Newsies, the Disney period paperboy musical that Bale starred in while still a teenager, was a major box-office flop, there is a whole generation of twentysomething moviegoers who were at the right, easily-dazzled age when that song-and-dance bomb was released in ’92 and who still harbor fond memories of Bale’s yearning ballad, “Santa Fe.” And when you think about it, the sight of Bale hoofing it up and belting out a tune onscreen is really as far as you can get from the spectacle of him angrily shouting, “What don’t you f–cking understand?” off screen.
KEEP READING: We believe in Papa Bale![PAGEBREAK]
6. Play a father.
An oft-stated truism about the acting game is that there’s nothing less desirable than playing alongside animals and children, but an exception should be made for Bale, who could easily gain audience sympathy by taking on a paternal role. The most positive parental figure Bale has played thus far is the rancher-turned-reluctant-lawman trying to steer his teen son right in 3:10 to Yuma. If Bale chose to play a dad whose offspring was closer in age to the four-year-old daughter he has in real life, it might open up something strikingly personal and emotional within him as actor. But of course, one wouldn’t want this theoretical family drama to be too gooey and sentimental.
KEEP READING: It’s villain time![PAGEBREAK]
7. Play a totally amoral villain.
If Bale has little interest in turning to lighter cinematic fare as a form of shrewd damage control — judging by the moody films that dot his resumé, this is very much a possibility — then it may be wise to harness the anger which many fans and TMZ junkies currently feel towards him and direct it towards an evil, unscrupulous baddie that he could play. That way, audiences can sublimate the boo’s and hisses they want to hurl at Bale, and get them out of their system while watching him inhabit a fiendish foe. A comic-book villain would be ideal, considering the subversive fun that could be had seeing the guy we know as Batman hop to the opposite end of the moral spectrum.
KEEP READING: Save the martyr for the indies![PAGEBREAK]
8. Take on stoic-martyr characters only if they’re in smart indies.
In independent productions such as The Machinist and Rescue Dawn, Bale excels at playing unconventional, obsessive protagonists who find a sort of masochistic ecstasy in extreme suffering. However, when he tries to pull off similar roles in non-Christopher-Nolan-directed studio movies, the results end up lacking the proper gravitas (Terminator being the most obvious example). So if Bale wants to continue his string of crazed, wounded heroes, it would be best for him to focus on films with limited budgets and the creative freedom to go to some genuinely dark places. It would be just about perfect if frequent collaborator Todd Haynes, who got colorful supporting work out of Bale in Velvet Goldmine and I’m Not There, had a leading role for the actor to bite into.
KEEP READING: You need Weight Watchers![PAGEBREAK]
9. Keep the weight steady.
Bale has altered the shape and mass of his body so often for his art that he must be making Robert De Niro green with envy at this point. The skeletal-for-Machinist-then-buff-for-Batman Begins-then-skeletal-for-Rescue Dawn-then-buff-for-Dark Knight carousel of weight loss and gain that he’s subjected himself to has certainly impressed his peers and followers. But if he were to undergo similar physical fluctuations now for a series of diverse roles, then that dedication combined with the personal information about him that’s recently come to light would just lead most people to think of him as a total weirdo, which he clearly doesn’t need. Also, those of us who admire him want him healthy.
KEEP READING: It’s a Batman voice, and that’s all![PAGEBREAK]
10. Save the gravelly Batman voice for, well, Batman.
It was pretty effin’ bizarre to hear Bale’s Batman voice on John Connor.
