Break out your biodegradable stockings and your compost trees because Earth Day is upon us! Yes it’s America’s favorite holiday (according to Al Gore) and the time to celebrate has arrived. For one glorious day we all get to pretend that we aren’t trashing our planet throughout the other 364. In honor of this somber time of eco-remembrance, I decided to pay homage to Earth’s most ardent protector.
This man requires little introduction – his actions and his mullet speak louder than words. I speak, of course, about Captain Planet. He is fighting on our planet’s side and though pollution has not technically been taken down to zero, he continues to instill in us the power to save the environment. I began to ponder the prospect of a Captain Planet movie and who its cast might include. Obviously the Captain would play himself for authenticity and logistical reasons, but what of the Planeteers; his trusted minions? What crop of young actors could possibly step into those…rings?
Name: Kwame
Origin: Africa
Power: Earth
Actor: Anthony Mackie
The immediate resistance to this choice would be Mackie’s age. I have to admit I counted him out at first for fear that he may be a bit too old, but while the planeteers were generally considered teenagers, a clearly defined age restriction was absent. Mackie made quite the impression with his turn in The Hurt Locker and as such I think he possesses the leadership qualities necessary to play the unofficial commanding officer of the Planeteers. Yes, Captain Planet is the head honcho, but Kwame always struck me as the most collected, decisive of the bunch.
Name: Wheeler
Origin: North America
Power: Fire
Actor: Chris Pine
Wheeler is a brash, hotheaded American brat and the decision to entrust him with the power of fire always seemed both obvious and misguided. I tremble with geek joy at the thought of Pine brining his Captain Kirk swagger to a far less deserving character. If I have learned anything from observing Chris Pine in Carriers, it’s that he knows the dangers of a mistreated environment. And if we are to glean anything from Just My Luck, it’s that he knows how to match wits with snarling, toxic monsters. What? Lindsay who? Oh.
Name: Gi
Origin: Asia
Power: Water
Actress: Jeeja Yanin
If you haven’t see the Thai martial arts film Chocolate, then for the love of all that is punchy go rent it right this second. It’s about a mentally challenged girl who teaches herself kung fu and proceeds to beat to a bloody pulp all the scumbags in her neighborhood. It is of the high-impact, suspiciously authentic Thai martial arts ilk and the performance/fighting skills of Jeeja demand to be seen. She has no lacking of spunkiness and would only leave a carbon footprint on the faces of the villainous Dr. Blight or Sly Sludge.
Name: Linka
Origin: The (now defunct) Soviet Union
Power: Wind
Actress: Elisha Cuthbert
This is the most emotionally loaded character in the bunch because the cartoon (first aired in 1990) introduced her as being from the Soviet Union. So the actress that plays Linka in a modern film would have been a young child when the Berlin Wall toppled, providing complex fodder for the character’s back-story. Cuthbert may seem a superficial choice, but I actually like her as an actress. I found her guarded vulnerability in The Girl Next Door captivating and a major reason for that film being much better than it had any right to be. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she is gorgeous and I always kind of had a thing for the Russian Planeteer. It remains to be seen whether she can muster a Russian accent but it can’t be any worse than the Boris Badenov lingual hack-job from the cartoon.
Name: Ma-Ti
Origin: South America
Power: Heart
Actor: Shia LaBeouf
It amazes me how Shia got exponentially more annoying as he has aged. He was fantastic in Holes but by the time Transformers 2 rolled around, I wanted to strangle him with piano wire in the hopes that it would end his inane blathering. So I guess you can say that this choice is partially based on the fact that I think he has the right look and would bring a measure of humor to the part, and partially because I want to punish him for Revenge of the Fallen by awarding him the lamest of all power rings. I mean seriously, heart? He has the power heart? Surely no one will trifle with the man that has all the mystical powers and warrior sensibilities of Teddy Ruxpin.
If you’d like to get involved with Earth Day, check out the Earth Day Network
