Comedy Central Roasts Roseanne Barr: Carrie Fisher Is on Drugs, Roseanne Is Fat

ALTIt wouldn’t be a Comedy Central roast without an offensive race joke — and a rape joke, an incest joke, a sexist joke, a homophobic joke, and so on and so forth. That’s all part of the fun when you sign on for one of the network’s celebrated mean-fests, though it must be noted that they are all filmed in advance so that some of the zingers — like Jeffrey Ross shocker about the recent mass shootings in Aurora, Colo. — can be edited out of the broadcast. This year, the roastee in question was Roseanne Barr, and while the famed comedienne-slash-failed national anthem singer took her fair share of hits ( “You know you’re unattractive when Sara Gilbert is the eye-candy on set”), the overall atmosphere was more “all in good fun” than it was when Charlie Sheen took the hot seat last year. (But that bastard deserved it.)

As we said last week, the most buzzworthy moment happened when Barr’s ex, Tom Arnold, took the stage after 18 years of deliberate separation. The two touchingly made their peace on national television, after Ross, Roast master Jane Lynch, comedienne Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, Katey Sagal, Ellen Barkin, Carrie Fisher, Gilbert Gottfried, Wayne Brady, and Seth Green did their damage.

In an interesting twist of pseudo-premonition, Ross (who came dressed as Joe Paterno) ended his bit with comments on the sad state of comedy today, bemoaning the fact that comedians occasionally have to “second guess their imaginations and apologize for jokes,” undoubtedly referring to the recent incidents involving Dane Cook and Daniel Tosh. Tragic, indeed. Fisher mostly poked fun at herself, while everyone tended to leave Sagal alone. (Might they be afraid of her husband, the infamously outspoken Sons of Anarchy producer Kurt Sutter? Or does everyone just really like her?) You can find the deepest cuts below, organized by topic to make things easier for the kiddies:

Race: “You’re so white that I tried to snort you backstage.” — Fisher, to Brady

“Now, Wayne, you’re going to hear a lot of jokes tonight about how you’re not a real black man, but I just want you to know — I still hid my purse.” — Lynch, to Brady

Weight: “This business can really be tough on women. Many of them develop eating disorders in an effort to be thin. It’s just a suggestion.” — Sagal, to Schumer

“Carrie Fisher make yourself comfortable — chain yourself to Roseanne’s chair.” — Ross to Fisher, calling Barr Jabba the Hutt

“Normally when I roast a pig it has an apple in its mouth.” — Ross to Barr, handing her an apple

Molestation: “You know how everyone has that one weird, creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.” — Jeselnik to Green

“Comedy comes from pain, people, and nobody knows that better than this woman, the legendary Roseanne Barr — who was molested as a child. Ugh, that poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.” — Ross, to Barr, who was actually molested

Drugs: “Carrie, you’ve cut more lines than a crippled kid at Disneyland.” — Schumer, to Fisher

“If I had to come up with one reason why I love you so much, it would have to be because I have done so much dope that I have no idea who the f*** you are or who I am, or where I am.” — Fisher, to Barr (and Fisher)

“Carrie used to be paid a lot to take work as a screenwriter, and now the only ‘scripts she takes are from her friends’ medicine cabinets.” — Green, to Fisher

Age: “You ladies are like the women’s Olympic gymnastics team — tired, overheated, and you don’t get your periods anymore. — Schumer, to every other woman present

“Carrie, you are the only celebrity whose action figure is worth more than you are.” — Brady, to Fisher

Politics: “Mitt Romney sent her flowers for making him the second most hated Mormon in the campaign. — Schumer, to Barr

“I feel honored that you and I broke new ground as TV moms who didn’t cook, didn’t clean, and didn’t make any money. In the ’80s, that made you a bad mom, but today it makes you Mitt Romney’s wife.” — Sagal, to Barr

“I really, really like you, but a lot of people hate you, especially Sarah Palin — because you remind her of what Trig’s going to look like when he’s 40.” — Brady, to Ross, referring to Palin’s disabled son

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[PHOTO CREDIT: Comedy Central]


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