ABC
It’s that time of year again, a time when celebrities from the worlds of sport, music, and ’90s TV shows come together to create the sparkliest night on television. We are, of course, talking about Dancing with the Stars, which revealed the lineup for its 18th season on Tuesday morning, and the celebrities who will be joining the illustrious ranks of two former members of NSYNC, a handful of reality stars, and more retired football players than the ESPN commentary team. But it wouldn’t be Dancing with the Stars if your ’90s nostalgia didn’t come with a side helping of tween stars and athletes you’ve never heard of, and that’s why we’ve ranked the new dancers from least to most relevant, so that you can tell them all apart when it comes time for them to cha cha. First up…
Cody Simpson
Remember when Justin Bieber first burst onto the scene, bright-eyed and innocent, with the kind of flippy hair that looks great on the walls of tween girls’ lockers? Well, if that version of Bieber were blonde and Australian, you’d have Cody Simpson. Ask your cousin in middle school, she knows who he is.
James Maslow
One fourth of the boy band Big Time Rush and one of the stars of their Nickelodeon show that you probably watched in reruns the last time you were sick. He’s a big deal amongst the teenagers of the world, trust us.
Drew Carey
Once the star of several popular comedies, he’s now best known for being the host of The Price Is Right, which means the majority of his votes are going to come from people who are either over 60 or unemployed.
Diana Nyad
She’s the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida, but other than that, does anyone actually know anything about her? Call us when she’s on The Real Housewives of Miami.
Sean Avery
A former professional hockey player, which apparently makes his presence on DWTS “historic.” Also, he’s friends with Andy Cohen, which bumps him up a spot or two.
Candace Cameron Bure
’90s nostalgia gives DJ Tanner a pretty good spot on this list, but let’s be real: she wasn’t even the best character on her show. Of course, the second she dances to the Full House theme (you know it’s going to happen!) she’ll become everyone’s favorite contestant. Bonus points if her partner, Mark Ballas, dresses up like Uncle Jesse.
Amy Purdy
A snowboarding champ and a double amputee, her spot on DWTS actually is historic. Whether she wins or not, Amy Purdy will end up becoming the biggest star in this cast, and we’re genuinely rooting for her.
Meryl Davis and Charlie White
Partners on the ice and partners on this list, Meryl Davis and Charlie White just won a gold medal for pairs ice dancing at the Winter Olympics, like, a whole three weeks ago. They’re also featured on boxes of Corn Flakes, which everyone knows is the second most important breakfast cereal there is.
Danica McKellar
There is an entire generation that refuses to let go of their first crush, Winnie Cooper, which is why she ranks higher than DJ Tanner. Plus, she’s a mathematician, which makes her the coolest former child star around.
NeNe Leakes
By far the biggest star of the biggest reality television franchise on the air, NeNe Leakes is, whether we like it or not, a pretty big deal. If you like your dancing with a side of drama, this is the contestant for you. She’s already got your mom’s vote, so you might as well give in.
But all of the teenage fans, Olympic gold medals and reality television viewers pale in comparison with the man who is, by far, the biggest get of the season:
Billy Dee Williams
Look, Lando Calrissian is a cinematic icon. He cannot be measured by the same standards of relevance as everyone else on this list; he transcends relevance. He leaves relevance in his dust. Lando Calrissian is the coolest cat on every planet in galaxies both near and far, and soon, he will be smoothest dancer in the universe.
