S2:E23 The episode started with Sammi walking through the door. That’s right! We were finally rewarded for taking a break from writing our personal statements to law school and watching a bunch of tan dudes who are only reminded of what their normal skin color looks like by their stretch marks.
“I think I was just starting to find myself, and she walked through the door and I was like ‘FML.’” – Ronnie
Once Sammi greeted the guys in the kitchen and went upstairs to see the girls, Ronnie went outside to smoke a cigarette and complain that Sammi had come back too soon. The rest of the guys followed him out there to see how he was reacting and they tried to make it clear that just because Sammi was back in the house doesn’t mean they should go back to fighting about stupid shit, like who re-wrapped the paper towels around the cardboard cylinder incorrectly. Ronnie agreed that he was past the fighting, but that mantra quickly dissipated when Sammi told him how pale he looked. Then, Sammi went out onto the porch with Snooki, JWoww and Deena, and they informed her about how depressed Ronnie was when she was home. She was prouder than a mother who watched her second grader read for the very first time.
“I actually named his penis Moby Dick, and I would like to try it again to see if it will work.” – Snooki
Never before have television viewers received such an education about A plots and B plots. This was like, a college lecture for all the people who don’t think twice about how different story lines make up one episode of a show. Usually, they just view an hour-long program as one unit with one plot. One entity. But that’s not so. IT IS NOT SO, YOU PEOPLE WHO KEEP INSISTING OUR PRESIDENT BE WHITE, OLD, AND CATHOLIC! Episodes of shows actually consist of different plots, and they are almost never equal in quality. For instance, when Sammi left, the focus of the show was gone. That meant that the subplots we usually pay no attention to (like the ones about clogged toilets, prank wars, and the disappearance of croc) were highlighted and became important because no fights between Sammi and Ronnie were taking place. We experienced a shift, and it was a bad one. Producers even tried to get us to care about Snooki’s feelings for Vinny, which was another pretty boring plot line, except for when Snooki got frustrated with Vinny because he refused to give in to her advances. So I thought that when Sammi arrived back at the house, the focus of the show would switch back to Ronnie and Sammi, but it didn’t because they kept avoiding each other. So we had no choice but to learn what Snooki the penis that doesn’t even fit inside her.
“Do you think Vinny brought someone home? Because I want to touch Vinny.” – Snooki
Everyone went to Karma that night, but Ronnie was the first one to leave because he was tired of following Sammi around and being humiliated by the way he did not have the right to tell her to fix her dress so that it didn’t expose her bra so much. Snooki kept Sammi company by complaining how much she wanted to have sex with Vinny, while Vinny chatted up some Dominican girls because they had big lips and nice asses and flavor that Italian guys like. Eventually, he and Pauly D left with their girls, and Snooki kept clutching the key hanging around Sammi’s neck that doesn’t open anything and pondering whether or not she was going to smush with Vinny when she got home. When Snooki and Sammi arrived back at the house, they found Vinny making out with a girl and Snooki ran into the other room crying while Sammi stayed in the kitchen, made herself a piece of toast with cream cheese and told Ronnie how bad of a guy he was.
“She’s starting to grow some feelings for you.” – Sammi
Do you see what I was talking about earlier? We’re being told to think that this Snooki and Vinny situation is a good substitute for the Ronnie and Sammi situation, but it’s not. It’s a terrible one. And it was dragged out when at bowling the next day, Sammi asked Vinny why Snooki was so upset with him. Vinny said it was obviously because he brought a girl home last night, but he also said it wasn’t really fair for Snooki to be angry because one time, she’d been with three guys in three days. When they got home from bowling, they decided to deal with their toilet that has been clogged for, I think, two weeks. The plumbers got there, and they were shocked to find that the toilet hadn’t been infested with maggots. Again, you guys. AGAIN WITH THIS SHOW. Eventually, the plumbers pulled out a wifebeater that was covered in shit.
“Me, Snook, and Sam are going to go upstairs and prank his bed.” – Ronnie
For some reason, Snooki, Ronnie and Sammi didn’t want to wake up the next morning with a hangover, so while everyone else went to the club to get drunk, they stayed home and put cheese in The Situation’s bed. OBVIOUSLY, WHEN THIS SHOW WAS CREATED, PRODUCERS DID NOT ANTICIPATE THREE PEOPLE DECIDING TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM ALCOHOL BECAUSE THEY’RE SUDDENLY TIRED OF BEING HUNGOVER ALL THE TIME. But that’s what happened last night, and it was just terrible. Like, what, all of a sudden this is a documentary of how the lactose tolerant kids at fat camp prank the lactose intolerant kids? And what does Sammi think the chili peppers are going to do? She held them up like she was so proud she thought of accompanying the cheese with peppers. I mean yes, the peppers could burn, sure, but if they’re under the sheets and Mike’s skin never touches them, will he feel them? NO. PRANKS ARE DUMB. JUST FUCKING DUMP AN ABANDONED INFANT IN SOMEONE’S ROOM IF YOU WANT TO SEND A MESSAGE. JESUS. When The Situation brought a girl home and brought her to his bed to have sex with her, he couldn’t get aroused because she smelled like cheese. The next morning, The Situation told everyone about how much that poor girl stunk, and then JWoww placed a call to the doctor that’s apparently on-call for these nerds, and asked if a cheesy smell is indicative of a yeast infection. The doctor said it was. So truthfully, the stupid prank of putting cheese in someone’s bed gave way to a much better one, and that’s planting the thought in someone’s head that they’ve contracted an STD. Holy shit, that’s inception.
