‘Real Housewives of New York’ Season Premiere Recap: A Show About Nothing

Real Housewives of NYCBravo

Beyond just sharing a city with Seinfeld, The Real Housewives of New York also shares a theme: it, too, is a show about nothing. There is a lot of sitting in restaurants, talking, and tons of rhetorical questions. What’s the deal with Ramona Singer? If this was any other franchise, Ramona aka Eye-Lander would be laughing maniacally on mountain of empty Pinot Grigio bottles. After all, she is the only one. The last surviving original New York Housewife.

The episode starts off so bland it makes rice cakes jealous. Heather Thomson stops by Carole Radziwill’s photo shoot. The original singer for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem needs an author photo for the book she plugged last season. Heather is serving as her stylist. She also wants to assert her place as the most annoying backseat photographer in history. She annoys the poor photographer so much the woman literally tries to push Heather away. Holla!

Heather is having a birthday party and guess who’s invited? If you guessed the entire secretarial pool from Sean Jean’s 1998 sales team, you’d be right… and bored. Heather has dusted off her Rolodex to remind everyone she worked for P. Diddy. But everyone at the party is so dated and uncool they still call him Puffy. Her party is the first time all the ladies will be in the same room since the reunion.

Sonja Morgan shows up with her new boyfriend, Ben Benalloul. By new we mean 23 years young. Not only is she dating this Pretty Little Liars extra. Mrs. J.P. Morgan is also spending the hours of 2:00 to 2:45 AM with Aviva Drescher’s ex-husband Harry. Ben stumbles right into Kristen Taekman the new housewife. She gets her montage in the sun. She’s a wacky model, an absentee mother, and a trophy wife!

Back at the party, Aviva arrives in a flurry of black smoke. Ramona confesses she couldn’t see it but she felt “black smoke” all of a sudden. If you couldn’t see it… why does it have to be black? Apparently, when Countess LuAnn de Lesseps left the show a part of her soul went into Aviva. It was the horcrux LuAnn never intended to make. That must be why the entire group declared a fatwa on Aviva.

As expected, the Aviva apology tour goes horribly. She says she’s writing a book and asks Carole for help, which evolves into a passive aggressive assumption she’ll do the editing. She apologizes to Sonja and makes peace but Sonja is too drunk she thinks she’s Fran Drescher. Then she punches Ramona in the throat… okay, she doesn’t really, but you can tell that she thought about it. She apologizes to Ramona and references her age as a reason she should forgive Aviva.

The show takes a brief trip to Sonja’s House of Mysteries. How is this house being paid for? How can someone staff their entire house with unpaid interns working for college credit? Who keeps a dog under a red sheet on their mantle? Who is the battiest woman to ever be on Bravo? Sonja has her minions make tea for the girls. The afternoon quickly devolves into dissecting Sonja’s bad hostess skills and the question of how Ramona should handle Aviva. There is nice color commentary by Sonja’s spiritual guide, Ally Sheedy’s twin sister. Hardly Lucid. Apparently, Sonja has embraced a spiritual path since she has no other marketable skills.

Ramona decides to have drinks with Aviva. She tries to dress away the extra years in an outfit she picked up at Forever 21. The two bond over Ramona’s favorite activity: binge drinking. Apparently, “turtle time” is ancient Sanskrit for “alcoholism.” The expression goes back to old cave paintings when early man actually drank out of turtles.

It looks like the season is going to be filled with tons of drama, batty ladies yelling, and Aviva flips her leg!

Cracks 5th Avenue: Best Lines of the Night

“When I see Ramona losing it, I’m like, she gets too Ramotional.” – Sonja’s witty rambling

“For me, age is just a number. I went from 80 to 20 in six seconds. My ex is in his 80s and Ben’s in his 20s. People are ageless to me.” – Sonja doesn’t grasp irony 

“Sonja has as many men as she has interns. And some of them are the same age.” – Heather

“I think I need to write a book called I Love My Kids But This F**king Sucks.” – Model parent Kristen

“What can I say, Big Ben. He’s the Big to my Bang.” – Unused dialogue from Sonja’s toaster oven porno

“I mean, not only is she tall and pretty, but she’s weird. That’s like the hat trick of fun for me.” – Carole about Kristen

“When you’re early I’ll start back up on the b***jobs.” – Kristen’s feminist mission statement

“Aviva is a charmer. She’s suckin’ up my ass big time.” – Ramona mixing metaphors

“The shot wasn’t bad. I’ve swallowed much worse.” – Oh Aviva…