After way too long in hiatus Revenge returns tonight to tease us with its final six episodes before ending in a frustrating cliffhanger that we’re going to be arguing with our friends about all summer while in the Hamptons. But before then there are a number of loose ends that Emily Thorne and company need to tie up before taking their time off. Let’s address them now.
Why did Satoshi kill Tyler? Emily Thorne (which, for our purposes, is what we will call the lady played by Emily van Camp that the Graysons and the rest of the world know as Emily Thorne but we know that she is the real Amanda Clark) had her world plunged into chaos when her fiance Daniel was accused of murdering his ex-best friend Tyler on the beach. We know it wasn’t him, it was Emily’s Mr. Miagi, Satoshi. But why did the mysterious man do it? Does he have a larger plan in mind?
Where is Amanda? Amanda, the murderous stripper, was also on the beach that night when Tyler was killed, but she ran off and got in Satoshi’s car and drove off into the night with him. But where did he put her? When is she going to come back? Does she hate Emily now that she knows the extent of her plan? Is she the one who will be taking revenge in season two?
How do Nolan and Satoshi know each other? On the night of the murder, we found out that Nolan sabotaged the security cameras at Grayson Manor (which is not where He-Man gets his powers, btw) and glared at Satoshi when he was at the party. How do these two know each other? Are they in some billionaires club together? Is Tyler in on whatever plot Satoshi is hatching to either destroy the Graysons or destroy Emily or take over the world?
What is up with Satoshi anyway? We know he taught Emily all her evil mastermind skills and that he isn’t happy with the way she’s been handling the Graysons up until now, but when are we going to get some flashbacks and find out who he really is?
Are we supposed to believe that Emily’s black hair in the flashbacks isn’t a cheap wig she bought at Ricky’s? No, seriously, are we? Because worse than looking fake, it looks cheap. No one believes that’s not a wig!
Where is Amber Valletta? One of the campiest and most enjoyable parts of the beginning of the season was watching Amber Valletta barely play the role of Lydia, Conrad’s mistress and the icy frenemy of Victoria. You remember her, the one who got thrown out of a window and then was in a coma and then had amnesia: The three staples of nighttime soaps. What happened to Lydia? Why can’t we bring her back? We must find some more ridiculous situations for her to fall into. Maybe she is really Emily/Amanda’s mother? That would be so awesome.
What is going to happen to Charlotte? Poor Charlotte Grayson knows that her father is David Clark (or is it?) and she is all upset. She’s also working on a serious pill problem. Will they send her away to rehab (or boarding school) because they’re out of things to do to poor Charlotte? Is she going to be the Tina Yothers of this cast and forgotten because there are more important storylines to tend to? Who is going to last longer on the show, her or Ashley, who is totally going to be the next one either murdered or sent to jail?
Where did Erik Van Der Woodsen’s accent go? Jack’s brother Declan started the season with an annoying accent that is not found anywhere in nature. Then it stopped. Did someone finally tell him how ridiculous it sounded?
How many polo shirts is too many? I know the answer to this one. It is two, Nolan. Two polo shirts on top of each other is one (or two) too many.
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