‘Big Brother’ Recap: Good Ship and Lollipops

ALTGuys, I don’t even know what to think about the coaches entering the game on Big Brother. I know it happened on Thursday, but, man, I am still thinking about it. Was that even a twist? Didn’t we know that was going to happen all along? Yes, yes we did. And if the coaches say they didn’t, then they are liars. Oh, and it’s BB so there are so many liars and so many twists and so many things to get mad about, and so many things to love.

The house is still reeling about the coachs’ return too. Ashley says that it “blew up my whole game.” Um, which game are you talking about Ashley? The one in which you sit on your back and stare at the ceiling and count imaginary stars, or the one in which you frolic with trolls in the enchanted dell of your own mind? Also, the Who from Whoville, that girl with the crazy red hair that is shaved on one side who hasn’t done anything at all, says, “The game started at zero for me.” That’s because the game is still at zero from when you walked in the house. You haven’t done anything at all. Nothing. Not even one amusing thing.

There was definitely some craziness in the direct aftermath of the announcement. Everyone is lying about pushing the button except Dan. Britney and Janelle say they didn’t push in order to appear like they don’t really want to play the game even though they do. It isn’t the worst strategy, especially for girls who are as good at lying as these two. It sucks for Dan though, who is going to take all the blame for restarting the game. Dan is also taking all the blame for telling Frank and Boogie that Frank was going to be voted out had a vote occurred. That meant Danielle and Wig were lying about keeping him safe. They are pissed. Thankfully, Dan is saved when Danielle wins HoH (spoiler alert!) so there’s nothing Mike and Boogie can do this week, but it definitely is dividing the house between two factions: one comprised of Britney, Danielle, Dan, and Shane, and the other comprised of Mike & Boogie (coming to The CW this fall) with Wig and Janelle as super players trying to work both sides for their own gain. Then there are the floaters. God, floaters, grab a life vest. I’m starting to figure out why everyone in the house hates them so much. I think it’s because they are just boring.

So, last we left our castaways they were taking a three-hour tour on the side of a boat that was rocking back and forth and being pelted with water and randomly squirted with seagull turds. Were those real turds? Was that just like white frosting? Was that the goo that is clogging up Ashley’s brain? Who knows. Slowly all the big guys drop off, because this is a challenge that is really made for little weak people without much body weight to hold up against the boat. Eventually we’re left with Danielle, Britney, and Ian, who finally decides to play the game mostly because he realized what an embarrassment it is to stand in a yellow Lycra jumpsuit for four hours on national television and wanted to take it off. He tries to make a deal with the two of them. Dan overhears and gets up and tells Danielle that she can win and she “sets the deal, she doesn’t take the deal.” It’s the most coaching he’s done all game and he’s not even her coach anymore. But, like the end of every episode of Friday Night Lights, I’m a little bit inspired. Maybe I can be part of Dan’s pirate army too.

Frank and Boogie are still pissed about what happened and they know that their only chance is if Ian wins, which would keep them in the game. They’re all talking about how they have to make sure he stays on the boat, and meanwhile, outside, there is deal-making going on. They’re missing the whole thing! That seems to be the problem with both of their games: Frank and Boogie are so focused on what the two of them are doing, that they’re not bothering to focus on what is happening around them.

Finally Britney, who is always the voice of reason and experience when she’s not making fun of her fellow contestants, says, “Let’s end this now. Ian, you’re safe.” So, he jumps off. She looks at Danielle, “Am I safe?” “Duh,” she replies. And with that Danielle, the most unexpected of all houseguests, wins the pirate challenge. AAAARRRGHHH matey.

And as soon as she falls off and drops into the pool at the bottom of the boat, she hears something across the backyard. It is the galloping of hooves as a tall white steed is approaching her. On top she sees a figure with the flood lights shining behind him, making his face obscure. He jumps off his horse and walks towards her. He is wearing tights on his legs and a cape about his body, which he casts to the side to show a long, glinting sword strapped to his hip. It is Prince Charming, and he is there to save her. “Stay there, Sleeping Beauty, let me arouse you.” He drops down into the pool and plants a firm kiss squarely on her lips. Everyone goes, “Awwwwwwwww.” Or was that, “Ewwwwwwww?” It was one or the other and now everyone knows that Shane and Danielle are going to be doing the sideways showmance in the HoH room all week.

Once everyone is back inside, Dan has to do damage control because of what he told Frank and Boogie about Frank going home. He takes them into the pantry where the only thing on the counter is, like, four gigantic bowls of Fruit Loops. Is this what they live on? Is that the ambrosia that makes Frank’s hair grow like a pile of cotton candy enchanted with pixie dust? And isn’t all of that cereal going to go stale if they don’t put it in some damn Tupperware? Anyway, Dan apologizes and owns up to screwing up. Good for Dan. Finally some taking responsibility.

Now Danielle has to nominate people and she’s decided to put up Frank and Wig. This is only because Dan is still manipulating her and wisely doesn’t want any of the former coaches on the block because he doesn’t want to give everyone else a reason to pay attention to him. But then Danielle remembers that she told Wig he’d be safe if he jumped off the boat and she doesn’t want to make an enemy of his Medusa hair. She’s also afraid that if Boogie plays for veto, he’ll win and take Frank off the block and then she won’t get to evict them. She wants to put up Boogie and Frank, but then changes her mind and Wig goes on the block.

Boogie, of course, is pissed. His ego is so huge that not being seen as the biggest threat in the game wounds him on some substantive level. But I don’t know how big of a threat he really is. What makes Janelle a threat is that she never really seems like a threat. It’s like you could get rid of her at any time, even though that’s not really true. Boogie, on the other hand, makes so much noise about how great he is that everyone thinks he’s a threat, so much so that whenever you want to get rid of him, everyone will vote for him. He’s convinced them he’s a threat, which makes his ouster inevitable. God, can I stop saying “threat.” Next to “in this house” it has to be the most overused word or phrase on this whole show. That and “Boogie.” God, can we stop talking about him too? Soon, maybe. Soon.

Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan

[Photo Credit: CBS]


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