‘Real Housewives of OC’ Recap: A Grifter’s Revenge


Love and marriage, love and marriage it goes together like a something and something else, neither of which are good. Fish and cheese? Puppies and Princesses? Lindsay Lohan and alcohol (or conversely a Lindsay Lohan and sobriety)? They’re not good, oh no. Neither this love nor this marriage are good at all, at least according to the Real Monkeydumps of Buttinstuff County. Well, actually they all love getting hitched. They love it so much that even when they are hitched they have to get hitched again in some sort of vow renewal. Oh, they love getting married, except when they are and it’s a gigantic mess and they have to get divorced only to fall in love all over again like they’re under some sort of curse to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. They’re all Sisyphus (which Alexis Bellino belives is an STI) being rolled over and over again by the same rock, except the rock is a 10 karat yellow princess cut diamond in a gold setting.

Speaking of marriages, let’s start with…hmm, which one should we start with? Heather? No, let’s start with Tamra. Tamra “Poopypants” Barney who was horribly scarred by her ex-husband, a surly pirate of a man named Purplebeard. Remember when they were in the back of the limo a couple of seasons ago and got in a huge fight because Purplebeard pillaged her plunder one too many times and she just shouted, “I want a fucking divorce” at him right there on camera. Oh, that was a sad and triumphant day, watching a marriage dissolve right there on camera. Tamra was scarred by the whole affair, quite literally. In a last ditch effort to save their marriage, Tamra had “Purplebeard” tattooed on her finger to show her ever lasting devotion.

I’m not going to get into how stupid this is (it is monumentally stupid), but let’s just say that Tamra now has to have Purplebeard’s name surgically removed from her finger by a doctor. Sure it’s the good Dr. Terry, who gives charitable surgeries to all the blonde ladies who have made questionable life choices (you should see the butt implants he gave Tanya Harding!). He gets out his scalpel and slices the past right off her finger. Oh, if it were only so easy to remove the past like that. If Tamra could just cut Purplebeard out of her life forever and never look back and move on as if it never happened. But it did. Those who remove the tattoos of the past are destined to get trampstamps in the future. Seutonius said that, I’m pretty sure.

Later Tamra goes to dinner with her burbling beau Honeybear, who looks like the plastic ursine container that honey comes in, at a restaurant called Wrong Side of the Tracks. They sit down and they start talking about their future together and Eddie is dreaming about having Tamra and her children — Purplebeard Jr., Smee, and Pirate Jenny — move into his landlubber pad and be one big happy family, but Tamra is nervous. She breaks down and lets that real emotion shine through for a change. “I’m afraid that if I expose you to my children that you’ll hate them, and you’ll leave me. Then they’ll make you walk the plank.” Honeybear, to his defense, doesn’t say, “Oh, honey, I’ll love them like they’re my own,” which would be the real easy thing to do. He says, “Well, if I hate it, I hate it and we’ll break up. But I’m willing to try.” That’s what you really want in a partner: Not someone who says the right thing all the time and has all the answers, but someone who loves you enough that he is willing to try.

Then the conversation turns and Tamra says she doesn’t want to try unless she can get a commitment from him and he says he’s not buying her a ring as long as the mark of Purplebeard is still on her finger. “If his name wasn’t on my finger, then you’d give me a ring?” she asks. “Yes,” Honeybear says. “Well, guess what,” she says.

That’s when she does it, she holds her hand up to Honeybear like any expectant bride does to show off her rock to her friends but instead of a ring there is a crown of thorns. There is some sort of Frankenfinger full of stitches, like she’s a machinist who just had her fourth finger reattached in the middle. It’s so f**king gross, and there she is expecting him to be rejoicing, to be kissing it like it’s his salvation when it’s really some barbed wire fence with a few pigeon feathers stuck in it. It’s just f**king gnarly.

Honeybear doesn’t even know what to do, his face makes that cartoon “AAAHHHHH-OOOOOHHHHHGAAAAHHHHHHH” sound and his eyes fell out of his head, plopped onto the tablecloth and rolled out of the door of the restaurant right onto the train tracks when a locomotive came rushing by tooting its horn and his eyes made a crushing sound, like a giant stepping on a grape or a pirate kicking a jellyfish. That is exactly what happened.