‘The Real Housewives of Miami’ Recap: Adriana Paints The Town

“For me to get dressed, get a gown, show up and be there just for a cocktail, just to kind of say hi is really because I’m just trying to do it in good faith…not because I needed to go to another charity event.”- Cristi

We reunited with the housewives last night and they were still talking about Lea’s gallery from last week. But instead of remarking about how much money people donated to keep people out of prison, the topic of conversation was how Cristi showed up with two friends even though none of them had bought tickets. Lea told Adriana that she planned to bill them anyway, but Cristi told Larsa (who were off in some bar together) that Lea should have paid her to show up because of how insufferable it was for her to be there and not have a place to sit down or any food to eat. But suddenly, because Cristi couldn’t stand five more minutes of Larsa falsely commending her for showing up at all, they all decided to go out into the courtyard and dance together.

“Not only is she late, 30 minutes is cute. An hour and a half is disgusting. She needs to like, start keeping her appointments.” – Larsa

Adriana invited Lea, Alexia and Larsa over to have lunch, but all three of them arrived before Adriana did. While they sipped champagne and pondered how late a person can actually show up to something before it becomes unacceptable, they blamed Brazil for instilling this kind of behavior in its people. Lea got on the phone with Adriana, who said that she was running late because first, she had to help her crying son with his homework. That made her late to her hair appointment, which made her late to her make-up appointment, which meant she missed the exit she was supposed to take on the highway, which meant she had to turn around and got stuck in traffic. So to kill the time, Larsa, Alexia and Lea continued to talk about Adriana, and Larsa told Lea how she went out with Adriana one night last week and she was dancing with all these different guys that weren’t her boyfriend (who was kind enough to pick up her son when she had forgotten to). That all made Lea suspicious about how much Adriana actually cares about her boyfriend, and then she went on a rant about consequences, which I’m sure was the exact same speech her husband gave to Joe Francis after he got him out of jail.

“You’re such a great boyfriend, you really are.” –Alexia

Alexia woke up her son early to have breakfast with him outside, and she asked him if he wanted to have a graduation party. He said he did, but that the DJ he wanted to have would cost $10,000 for two hours. Alexia said that wasn’t going to happen, and then told us about how much her son knows the value of money. Alexia explained to her son how when she got his credit card statement, she saw a charge on it that was from a jewelry store. Her son admitted that it was a gift for his girlfriend who he’d been with for 10 months, and that he purchased a ring for her. Alexia was surprised that it was a ring because earlier, her son told her it was a charm for a bracelet, and Alexia was also surprised to learn that he paid $300 in cash and put the other $300 on his credit card. After the kid tried to explain how he didn’t see why it was a big deal because he paid for half of it with his own money, Alexia reminded him that that “his own money” came from some tickets that she had bought from him, so technically, Alexia paid for the bracelet in full. But instead of being upset that she was the one paying for a ring for another woman, or about the fact that her 17 year old kid was giving a $600 ring to his high school girlfriend, OR about the fact that her 17 year old kid thought hiring a DJ for $10,000 for two hours was doable, she just told him to make sure his girlfriend knew how good of a boyfriend he was.

“No, you didn’t work during the day. During the day you were farting around.” – Adriana

Adriana was set to open her gallery in two days, but her artist, Marco, was proving to be slower in accomplishing the task than a plumber whose mother just died. She had commissioned him for 37 paintings, and the day before the gallery was supposed to open, he still had about half of them to start and finish. So when she walked into her space to find Marcos walking around aimlessly, she criticized him profusely and said she didn’t understand how nothing had been finished in the three months she had given him. Marcos said his process was important, and while Adriana might have understood that a month ago (OR IF SOMEONE HAD BEEN LATE TO A LUNCH WITH HER), the showing was tomorrow and everything still had to be stretched and hung because otherwise, there was REALLY going to be no chance of people buying the portraits of themselves that they had not posed for.

“Ay Marisol. I didn’t come to this country to have paper flowers. You two are so ignorant.” – Marysol’s mother

Marysol brought her French boyfriend, Philippe, to meet her mother because Marysol wanted to get a new opinion on him. The first thing her mother complimented him on was his shirt, which she said she liked because she saw Michael Jackson wearing something similar, and that she thought there was nothing sexier than a man who dressed like a woman. Then she complained about how cold it was in Miami, and how troubling it was to be the kind of person who can wear a nightgown outside and look ready to go to any kind of event. When Marysol’s mother was finally able to pry her jaba lips away from the wine she was drinking from a margarita glass, she asked if they liked the flowers that were on her table and Marysol asked if they were fake. Her mother said they were real, actually, and that she was also a real witch, too. Philippe went to go wash his hands and Marysol took that as a sign of them having to leave in whatever amount of time is sooner than immediately.

“This is Yves Clement. He flew in straight from Paris this morning and we’re going to watch him paint.” – Adriana

When Adriana finally arrived at her own event, she was pleased to see that nobody really cared about how Marcos only produced half of the paintings he was supposed to. So to kind of stick it to him and to get everyone excited for her next event, she asked the painter who she’d just commissioned for art to paint on a canvas right there in front of everyone AND Marcus. While we watched Yves drip paint onto a canvas and create people’s heads, we were provided with dialog of Marcus talking to his friend Tommy about how offensive it was to feature another artist at what was supposed to be a night to show off his artwork. So unable to control himself anymore, Tommy went up to Adriana and expressed how outraged he was. Adriana shoved him out of her gallery, but on the way out, he stepped on Yves’ still-wet painting. Adriana was furious, but probably not as furious as the artist who had to paint spiral-y pictures of her friends from memory,

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